Green Lantern: Agent Orange

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Agent Orange is our last story before Blackest Night, and it’s introduction to the Gollum of the DC universe in Larfleeze. Larfleeze is the a oddity in the world of Lanterns in that he’s the only flesh and blood lantern in his Corps, the orange light steals the likeness of all Larfleeze kills so he almost has a never ending army at his disposal. At the core of this story is a set up for Blackest Night, leaving off where Rage left off with the Green Lantern Corp still dealing with Sinestro and Atrocitus as Hal Jordan deals with the blue ring bonded to his hand. It may have broken the spell of the red ring but the blue continuously asks him what he hopes for, inhibiting his ability to use his own green ring, although his blue ring is keeping his fimiliar ring charged because a new threat is coming… ancient former accomplices of the Guardians stumble upon a hidden evil bearing an orange lantern. A trap is sprung and the trespassers are slaughtered by Larfleeze. Larfleeze, set upon revenge for a treaty broken, begins hunting the Green Lanterns. Larfleeze easily overpowers them, absorbing there green light, until he becomes transfixed with the new light emulating from Jordan’s other fist. The Guardians are even overpowered by Larfleeze’s hosting greed; consumed by the secret biting them in the ass. Long ago, Larfleeze and a band of thieves uncovered the orange lantern, unleashing it’s horrible power that couldn’t be contained by them, forcing them to comprise with the remaining thieves: they can keep the power but they would be banished to the Vega Sector. Both running on nearly unlimited energy, Jordan and Larfleeze clash until Hal learns the power of the blue ring and is able to subdue him. The Guardians make another deal with Larfleeze; with the blue ring spent off of Jordan, the Guardians reveal the homeworld of the blue lanterns, led by two of there own. And as the story concludes, all the Corps are at war and the Blackest Night begins…

Probably the shortest Green Lantern story I’ve read to date, it is a good character piece on Larfleeze and Hal Jordan. Larfleeze is a creepy, wretched beast that is bad ass; it’s cool to see Jordan’s take on hope. It’s also a good representation of how imperfect the Guardians of the universe are, feeling jealousy over the new power Sayd and Ganthet unlocked and the fear they continue to try to hide while the universe falls to shit around them. Overall it’s a fine, well written story about greed vs hope and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Alice, sweet Alice

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I heard a few years back that this strange ass movie was getting a remake and felt saddened; is nothing sacred anymore? I originally saw this listed towards the bottom of Bravo’s 100 scariest movie moments and like everything on that list, I wanted to see for myself to better myself at the craft that is horror.

Alice, sweet Alice (or Communion as it is sometimes referred to) is a 70’s mystery slasher set around Catherine Spages and her two young daughters Karen (Brooke Shields film debut) and Alice. Alice is jealous of her beautiful, sweet sister that everyone adores. Alice is a weird duck, always wearing hearing her strange translucent drag queen mask and going off by herself. Catherine and there church’s priest Father Tom are fussing over Karen’s debut at there big Communion ceremony; Alice is fed up with it all. Moments before the ceremony is about to begin, Karen is killed by a figure in a yellow raincoat, drag queen mask, and white gloves; her body dropped into a hamper and burned which brings the ceremony to a screeching halt. Annie,  Catherine’s sister, suspects Alice was responsible for her sister’s demise on the merits of jealous rage but Catherine won’t believe her. The girl’s estranged father returns for the funeral. We’re introduced to the perverted, obese landlord of there apartment who tries to get fresh with Alice. Soon Annie is attacked by the same figure that killed Karen, screaming in the rain it was Alice. Alice is taken away to a home but the deaths continue by the same figure, making us ask whether it was her until the very end…

So I have to say, I really enjoy this movie. It’s filmed to have a dreamy quality made vintage by the film and clothes, while the music is a creepy, childish singing. The acting is on the verge of over the top but it works given everything else. There isn’t much gore but the figure is damn unsettling enough to carry the movie. The killer’s identity is clever but somethings when thought about at great length don’t make a lot of sense but it ain’t overwhelming. If you can find it, it’s worth a watch and may the gaming gods never give us a remake.

Team America: World Police

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Well friends, when life brings you down, just remember AMERICA, F#$K YEAH… I was asked to keep this Pg-13, when the theme song for Team America is involved that becomes harder than any Dark Souls boss.

So Team America is another messed up satire by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone about an elite group of American specialists who have to save the world from Kim Jung Il and Alec Baldwin and the whole Screen Actors Guild…in puppets. I’m not shitting you one bit. This movie is made by marionette puppetry and models. So basically we follow famous actor, Gary, as he is recruited by Spotswood to aid Team America in there mission to infiltrate Alqueda. When the responsibilty gets too much Gary abandons the team, and goes on a soul search while the team gets there asses kicked so Gary has to man up and become a bad ass to save his friends…AND AMERICA! I promise that won’t get old.

I have seen some crazy ass things on screen. I’ve watched infamous exploitation pictures like Cannibal Holocaust and Salo: the 120 days of Sodam, so you know I’ve seen some shit. Team America hit me in that strange pit inside. I should be horrified at some of the places this movie goes, and downright offended but I’m not.  On the contrary, I’ve nearly pissed myself laughing during this movie. It’s insane, it’s clever, it has a bitchin theme song and somehow in 2017 feels more at home than 2004. If you can get past the puppets, controversal topics and the way Parker and Stone address them, you’ll find a epic cult classic that will having you sing with Kim Jung Il, waving your arms in the air, and asking questions about yourself when you and your friends roar in laughter and amazement at the puppet sex scene…don’t judge me and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

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Do you guys remember the 90’s? So as a kid South Park was all the rage in my elementary school because of the foul language, crude humor, adult subtexts,but  beyond all else it pissed our parents off. As a matter of fact, my school had PTA meetings devoted to discouraging kids from South Park and oddly enough, the same parents that crusaded against the cartoon secretly laughed at it in the privacy of there homes. So it only fit we got a 100 minute full length feature film, fully uncut.

Our favorite strangely animated youngsters of South Park are off to see the latest big screen movie staring there flatulent heroes Terrence and Philip. Problem- it’s R rated. They pay a homeless guy to get them in. The Film is titled Asses of Fire and features the wonderful “children’s song” “Uncle Fucker” (the quotations were meant to be sarcastic, nothing in this movie is for children). Asses of fire is a hit with the children of South Park, who use and abuse the shit out of it’s colorful vocabulary. Kyle’s mom goes on a tirade as per usual that escalates when Kenny dies (for the hundredth so time) imitating a stunt from the movie and before we know it Kenny’s in hell with Satan and his gay lover Saddam Hussein, Stan is fighting for Wendy’s affection from a rebellious, intellect named Gregory with a terrific singing voice, and America and Canada have begun WW3 over a R rated kids movie and its up to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman to stop WW3 and Saddam and save Terrence and Phillip from execution.

First, I must say I’m not usually a fan of musicals unless they’re of the screwed up variety. This qualifies. The musical numbers are vulgar but also deep and well choreographed. The story is South Park at it’s best, deranged, crass, damn right bizarre with a rich plume of wisdom under it’s layers. As a kid this movie blew my mind, and my dad Duke’s I think too, and as an adult, well I sing the songs out loud in public and if you don’t like it you…I can’t quote that here lol. Overall, I highly recommend this movie, young or old, because life’s short and good laughs are in short supply.

It trailer review

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We got our third trailer for the much anticipated It remake coming September 8th. So far a lot of the reaction has been all over the place, ranging from it looks scary as hell to Pennywise looks like a Hot Topic Ronald McDonald. I personally was on the fence myself. I like the cinematography and the darker, polished atmosphere the trailers create (mostly); the actors all around have potential. Many of the visuals are frightening like Pennywise hiding under the water like a crocodile, to lunge out, eyes black and teeth monstrous teeth extended or his first reveal from the rain gutter. In this third trailer we finally get to here him speak which disappointed me a little bit. It was fine but intentionally menacing, which a problem I personally have with this iteration of Pennywise the dancing clown. He is meant to look unsettling and creepy, whereas part of Tim Curry’s look and performance (which was close to the source material by the way) was that of a normal clown. Curry came off as a party clown that accidentally found his way down the sewer and could be in any kids birthday party without raising an eyebrow, Bill Skarsgard comes off as something no kid in his right mind would go anywhere near, although I can see that approach being effective in it’s own right. Besides the voice reveal we got more complete setups instead of little bites and the scares look promising. I will say two things for Skarsgard, he is a menacing presence and his appearance films much better than in stills which is rare but happens.  All the same, I’m looking foreward to It, I’m not expecting greatness but I’m expecting it to be a solid horror flick.

Resident Evil (movie 2002)

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So I’m going to piss a lot of people off possibly because as a Resident Evil fan, I actually enjoyed the movie. It’s not a masterpiece and yes, it’s not really a faithful adaptation but its got spirit. Paul W.S. Anderson gave us this first installment to the movie series with an intention of sort of a prequel to the game, using stylistic directions from the classic game and familiar locales from the game. In interviews he discussed how he knew of all of the dedicated fans of Resident Evil 1 and 2 their were and how he didn’t want to retell a half ass version of either game on screen. That I can believe and respect.

The film starts with an outbreak of the T-Virus in the underground laboratory facility called the Hive, miles under a remote mansion miles from Raccoon City. Once loose, the Hive’s security A.I, the Red Queen, acts and kills everyone in the Hive to stop any chance of a containment breach. Inside the mansion, a woman we only know as Alice wakes up foggy and disoriented with no memory why she’s there. Suddenly she’s found by commandos who crash through the windows, apprehending another man in the mansion. The mystery unfolds as the head commando reveals to Alice the Red Queen released a gas above that caused her memory loss. They venture into the depths of the Hive to reprogram the Red Queen, finding the poor corpses, until soon they come to life and a dire experiment is on the loose…

So this movie is not perfect by any means but it ain’t garbage like the other films would become. The acting is so so but the creature and zombie effects are sweet for the time. The Red Queen is creepy and kind of a dick but delivers a truly great “your fucked” speech. The score is a cool fusion of Marco Beltrami and Marilyn Manson which comes off as unique, eerie, or just plain bad ass. The ending is bleak but satisfying. There are some hoky moments and the characters can be kind of wooden but has the texture of a decent horror movie in it. Definitely check it out for cheap and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Resident Evil (remake)

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Resident Evil changed the world of horror gaming back in the 90’s when it came out for PlayStation with it’s tight, eerie corridors, creative monsters and brilliant sound designs just to name a few reasons this game kicked ass. But it did not age well. So in 2002 we got one hell of a upgrade for the Nintendo GameCube. Better graphics, hugely improved voice acting, new story pieces that include Lisa Trevors (creepy ass poor thing) and better handling. So for those of us that are new to the series, Resident Evil is the story of the unfortunate S.T.A.R.S team who were investigating a string of murders in the Arklay Mountains. There is a ambush and the remaining members fall back to a mansion hidden in the woods. Albert Wesker, Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, and Barry Burton are all that seem to be left. You play as either Chris or Jill, each character has there own unique advantages; Chris can take more damage and does more damage with the combat knife while Jill is quicker and has a lock pick which helps get through the mansion faster. As they venture through the mansion, they discover the horrible experiments being done inside its walls through letters and files and the Umbrella Corporation’s dastardly underground facility where the T-virus has been let loose.

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My favorite addition to the game was the story of Lisa Trevor, as seen above, the unkillable giant who had been taken from her parents and experimented on by Umbrella. She slumps after you, moaning for her dead mother. If you come across her, run like hell and don’t look back. Also, another addition is the new variation of zombies called Crimson Heads- twice as fast, three times stronger, and armed with giant claws that come from zombies you didn’t either decapitate or burn, which adds to the survival aspect of the game. And of course what bad ass horror game wouldn’t be complete without a giant zombie shark boss! The game is still effective and even made me jump a few times. Some of the puzzles are convoluted as hell but thank god for YouTube.  Seriously pick this game up because word is Resident Evil 2 is being remade so may the gaming gods bring you glory and stay away from windows.