Fant4stic

f4 3

Ah shit. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to be that guy that saw the redeeming quality in this flaming, apocalyptic train wreck wrapped in a dumpster fire. Sorry, I ain’t that guy today.

This iteration of Marvel’s first family goes more of the Ultimate Marvel approach, going with the Ultimate origin…kinda. Reed Richards is a young misunderstood genius who believes he can crack open another dimension to another world. Recruited to the Baxter Building, which is a government/military think tank by Dr. Storm, he’s paired with his adopted daughter, reckless son, and pain in the ass prodigy Victor Von Doom. Ugh. So they create the device but the military says thanks and takes it. In a drunken bit of brilliance Reed calls his BFF Ben and the for boys go dimension hopping while Sue plays lookout. Shit goes wrong. Victor falls into a green, volcanic crack; Johnny gets set on fire in his pod; Ben gets crushed by molten rocks; Sue gets flashed by excess energy; and Reed’s body gets really wrapped. Seriously, this shit is graphic. Well, our “heroes” change only now they really have no control and have to wear there super suits 24/7, except Thing who’s fucking nude and thank god ain’t got a boner in rock form. Reed runs and abandons them and for 20 minutes of run time the other three and the government are trying to track him down. Oh and Doom comes back…looking like a a rubber sex dummy coated in glow stick goo and wearing a trash bag poncho with more generic random ass powers than last time.

This movie is ass cheese. I can’t even say that as a Fantastic 4 fan. I liked the idea of making it a bit more grittier and and more dark sci-fi but this either went way too far overboard or just looks shitty. As a movie, the actors seem bored and disinterested, the pacing is garbage, the final act is rushed and pointless and there’s 4 times less action than the 2005 film. I’ve heard horror stories about the making of this movie and I’m glad the actors involved didn’t have there reputations scarred by this travesty of hero films and should be the moldy crap waffle dropped in cinema’s toilet. Friends don’t let friends Fant4stic.

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Author: torstenvblog

Writer of the strange and everything; lover of horror, literature, comics, and the alien is my spirit animal

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