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Alice, sweet Alice

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I heard a few years back that this strange ass movie was getting a remake and felt saddened; is nothing sacred anymore? I originally saw this listed towards the bottom of Bravo’s 100 scariest movie moments and like everything on that list, I wanted to see for myself to better myself at the craft that is horror.

Alice, sweet Alice (or Communion as it is sometimes referred to) is a 70’s mystery slasher set around Catherine Spages and her two young daughters Karen (Brooke Shields film debut) and Alice. Alice is jealous of her beautiful, sweet sister that everyone adores. Alice is a weird duck, always wearing hearing her strange translucent drag queen mask and going off by herself. Catherine and there church’s priest Father Tom are fussing over Karen’s debut at there big Communion ceremony; Alice is fed up with it all. Moments before the ceremony is about to begin, Karen is killed by a figure in a yellow raincoat, drag queen mask, and white gloves; her body dropped into a hamper and burned which brings the ceremony to a screeching halt. Annie, Catherine’s sister, suspects Alice was responsible for her sister’s demise on the merits of jealous rage but Catherine won’t believe her. The girl’s estranged father returns for the funeral. We’re introduced to the perverted, obese landlord of there apartment who tries to get fresh with Alice. Soon Annie is attacked by the same figure that killed Karen, screaming in the rain it was Alice. Alice is taken away to a home but the deaths continue by the same figure, making us ask whether it was her until the very end…

So I have to say, I really enjoy this movie. It’s filmed to have a dreamy quality made vintage by the film and clothes, while the music is a creepy, childish singing. The acting is on the verge of over the top but it works given everything else. There isn’t much gore but the figure is damn unsettling enough to carry the movie. The killer’s identity is clever but somethings when thought about at great length don’t make a lot of sense but it ain’t overwhelming. If you can find it, it’s worth a watch and may the gaming gods never give us a remake.

Team America: World Police

team america

Well friends, when life brings you down, just remember AMERICA, F#$K YEAH… I was asked to keep this Pg-13, when the theme song for Team America is involved that becomes harder than any Dark Souls boss.

So Team America is another messed up satire by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone about an elite group of American specialists who have to save the world from Kim Jung Il and Alec Baldwin and the whole Screen Actors Guild…in puppets. I’m not shitting you one bit. This movie is made by marionette puppetry and models. So basically we follow famous actor, Gary, as he is recruited by Spotswood to aid Team America in there mission to infiltrate Alqueda. When the responsibilty gets too much Gary abandons the team, and goes on a soul search while the team gets there asses kicked so Gary has to man up and become a bad ass to save his friends…AND AMERICA! I promise that won’t get old.

I have seen some crazy ass things on screen. I’ve watched infamous exploitation pictures like Cannibal Holocaust and Salo: the 120 days of Sodam, so you know I’ve seen some shit. Team America hit me in that strange pit inside. I should be horrified at some of the places this movie goes, and downright offended but I’m not. On the contrary, I’ve nearly pissed myself laughing during this movie. It’s insane, it’s clever, it has a bitchin theme song and somehow in 2017 feels more at home than 2004. If you can get past the puppets, controversal topics and the way Parker and Stone address them, you’ll find a epic cult classic that will having you sing with Kim Jung Il, waving your arms in the air, and asking questions about yourself when you and your friends roar in laughter and amazement at the puppet sex scene…don’t judge me and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

South park movie

Do you guys remember the 90’s? So as a kid South Park was all the rage in my elementary school because of the foul language, crude humor, adult subtexts,but beyond all else it pissed our parents off. As a matter of fact, my school had PTA meetings devoted to discouraging kids from South Park and oddly enough, the same parents that crusaded against the cartoon secretly laughed at it in the privacy of there homes. So it only fit we got a 100 minute full length feature film, fully uncut.

Our favorite strangely animated youngsters of South Park are off to see the latest big screen movie staring there flatulent heroes Terrence and Philip. Problem- it’s R rated. They pay a homeless guy to get them in. The Film is titled Asses of Fire and features the wonderful “children’s song” “Uncle Fucker” (the quotations were meant to be sarcastic, nothing in this movie is for children). Asses of fire is a hit with the children of South Park, who use and abuse the shit out of it’s colorful vocabulary. Kyle’s mom goes on a tirade as per usual that escalates when Kenny dies (for the hundredth so time) imitating a stunt from the movie and before we know it Kenny’s in hell with Satan and his gay lover Saddam Hussein, Stan is fighting for Wendy’s affection from a rebellious, intellect named Gregory with a terrific singing voice, and America and Canada have begun WW3 over a R rated kids movie and its up to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman to stop WW3 and Saddam and save Terrence and Phillip from execution.

First, I must say I’m not usually a fan of musicals unless they’re of the screwed up variety. This qualifies. The musical numbers are vulgar but also deep and well choreographed. The story is South Park at it’s best, deranged, crass, damn right bizarre with a rich plume of wisdom under it’s layers. As a kid this movie blew my mind, and my dad Duke’s I think too, and as an adult, well I sing the songs out loud in public and if you don’t like it you…I can’t quote that here lol. Overall, I highly recommend this movie, young or old, because life’s short and good laughs are in short supply.

It trailer review

We got our third trailer for the much anticipated It remake coming September 8th. So far a lot of the reaction has been all over the place, ranging from it looks scary as hell to Pennywise looks like a Hot Topic Ronald McDonald. I personally was on the fence myself. I like the cinematography and the darker, polished atmosphere the trailers create (mostly); the actors all around have potential. Many of the visuals are frightening like Pennywise hiding under the water like a crocodile, to lunge out, eyes black and teeth monstrous teeth extended or his first reveal from the rain gutter. In this third trailer we finally get to here him speak which disappointed me a little bit. It was fine but intentionally menacing, which a problem I personally have with this iteration of Pennywise the dancing clown. He is meant to look unsettling and creepy, whereas part of Tim Curry’s look and performance (which was close to the source material by the way) was that of a normal clown. Curry came off as a party clown that accidentally found his way down the sewer and could be in any kids birthday party without raising an eyebrow, Bill Skarsgard comes off as something no kid in his right mind would go anywhere near, although I can see that approach being effective in it’s own right. Besides the voice reveal we got more complete setups instead of little bites and the scares look promising. I will say two things for Skarsgard, he is a menacing presence and his appearance films much better than in stills which is rare but happens. All the same, I’m looking foreward to It, I’m not expecting greatness but I’m expecting it to be a solid horror flick.

Resident Evil (movie 2002)

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So I’m going to piss a lot of people off possibly because as a Resident Evil fan, I actually enjoyed the movie. It’s not a masterpiece and yes, it’s not really a faithful adaptation but its got spirit. Paul W.S. Anderson gave us this first installment to the movie series with an intention of sort of a prequel to the game, using stylistic directions from the classic game and familiar locales from the game. In interviews he discussed how he knew of all of the dedicated fans of Resident Evil 1 and 2 their were and how he didn’t want to retell a half ass version of either game on screen. That I can believe and respect.

The film starts with an outbreak of the T-Virus in the underground laboratory facility called the Hive, miles under a remote mansion miles from Raccoon City. Once loose, the Hive’s security A.I, the Red Queen, acts and kills everyone in the Hive to stop any chance of a containment breach. Inside the mansion, a woman we only know as Alice wakes up foggy and disoriented with no memory why she’s there. Suddenly she’s found by commandos who crash through the windows, apprehending another man in the mansion. The mystery unfolds as the head commando reveals to Alice the Red Queen released a gas above that caused her memory loss. They venture into the depths of the Hive to reprogram the Red Queen, finding the poor corpses, until soon they come to life and a dire experiment is on the loose…

So this movie is not perfect by any means but it ain’t garbage like the other films would become. The acting is so so but the creature and zombie effects are sweet for the time. The Red Queen is creepy and kind of a dick but delivers a truly great “your fucked” speech. The score is a cool fusion of Marco Beltrami and Marilyn Manson which comes off as unique, eerie, or just plain bad ass. The ending is bleak but satisfying. There are some hoky moments and the characters can be kind of wooden but has the texture of a decent horror movie in it. Definitely check it out for cheap and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Resident Evil (remake)

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Resident Evil changed the world of horror gaming back in the 90’s when it came out for PlayStation with it’s tight, eerie corridors, creative monsters and brilliant sound designs just to name a few reasons this game kicked ass. But it did not age well. So in 2002 we got one hell of a upgrade for the Nintendo GameCube. Better graphics, hugely improved voice acting, new story pieces that include Lisa Trevors (creepy ass poor thing) and better handling. So for those of us that are new to the series, Resident Evil is the story of the unfortunate S.T.A.R.S team who were investigating a string of murders in the Arklay Mountains. There is a ambush and the remaining members fall back to a mansion hidden in the woods. Albert Wesker, Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, and Barry Burton are all that seem to be left. You play as either Chris or Jill, each character has there own unique advantages; Chris can take more damage and does more damage with the combat knife while Jill is quicker and has a lock pick which helps get through the mansion faster. As they venture through the mansion, they discover the horrible experiments being done inside its walls through letters and files and the Umbrella Corporation’s dastardly underground facility where the T-virus has been let loose.

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My favorite addition to the game was the story of Lisa Trevor, as seen above, the unkillable giant who had been taken from her parents and experimented on by Umbrella. She slumps after you, moaning for her dead mother. If you come across her, run like hell and don’t look back. Also, another addition is the new variation of zombies called Crimson Heads- twice as fast, three times stronger, and armed with giant claws that come from zombies you didn’t either decapitate or burn, which adds to the survival aspect of the game. And of course what bad ass horror game wouldn’t be complete without a giant zombie shark boss! The game is still effective and even made me jump a few times. Some of the puzzles are convoluted as hell but thank god for YouTube. Seriously pick this game up because word is Resident Evil 2 is being remade so may the gaming gods bring you glory and stay away from windows.

New Moon

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So the horror continues in the next hair raising adventure of Bella Swan with Twilight’s inevitable sequel, New Moon. Again my friends, full disclaimer, I was 18 years old going through a major emo phase. And oh this book is freaking emo. So this story picks up 6 months after Twilight left off, with Bella turning 18 and anxious about aging because Edward never does. She has a nightmare about becoming her grandma while Edward remained the same. So she mopes through the day, leading to a birthday party for Bella at the Cullen house. A paper cut throws the name into chaos, Jasper goes into a frenzy trying to maul Bella but the family stops him (damn those meddling vampires). Edward feels responsible for vampire shit and putting Bella in danger, breaks up with Bella…after walking her miles into the woods…with no one around for miles…so he could go back to her place take all the shit from her that had anything to do with him (cuz that ain’t messed up at all) and not have to deal with her. So catatonic, she wonders in the dead of night until a buff shirtless Native American dude named Sam found her and brought her back to the search party I’m pretty damn positive Edward didn’t send. Months go by and Bella’s still catatonic, waking up randomly screaming. Bitch has issues. Then to shut her dad up she goes into the city with a friend she doesn’t really give a shit about and puts herself in a situation she may get raped…because she starts to see and hear Edward. Elated by this, Bella finds a couple of crappy motor bikes and goes to buff, dorky, Native American boytoy Jacob Black to fix them. Jacob gets a boner for Bella as they become friends; Bella just wants to trip balls on Edward. They see a bunch of buff shirtless Native American teen boys with Sam cliff jumping and this gives Bella ideas, while Jacob tells her he thinks Sam’s a cult leader. Oh and people are scared of bears, forgot to mention that. So after a night at the movies with Jacob and his whiney Mike got that gets broken up by a stomach virus, Jacob disappears. Weeks later he’s a spitting image of Sam, and this is one of the last times Jacob wears a damn shirt. So pretty much with no friend to lean on, Bella goes to the meadow her and Edward used to sit and oogle each other at and almost gets mauled by a vampire that tells her James’s pissed off ex girlfriend Victoria wants to kill Bella. When Bella’s about to get mauled, she’s saved by a pack of massive moose sized wolves….ok, so Jacob’s a werewolf. So’s Sam and a bunch of the other shirtless buff kids. Bella still wants Edward though Jacob’s got badass wolf stuff. She jumps off a cliff and almost drowns and Jacob saves her. Alice, Edward’s sister comes back, Edward wants to off himself by letting himself get killed by the Volturi- royal family of super vampires…

New Moon, like the first book has cool ideas laced in it but on a whole it kind of bites. There is more action than the first book but damn does it come off whiney. Bella’s whining about Edward; Edward is whining about missing Bella; Jacob whines he can’t have Bella. Jacob is sympathetic to a degree but after a while he starts to come off as a jealous dick; Edward really becomes a creeper and a emotionally abusive dick; and Bella flat out uses Jacob’s ass. There is interesting lore and plot threads littered throughout but the focus is on the love triangle of bad people. It’s eh on first read, not the worst Twilight has to offer but dear god don’t watch the movie. But oh my friends, the horror of Bella Swan ain’t finished yet, til next time.

Salem’s Lot

Salems lot

Ah welcome to best and worst of Vampires part 2 (see my Dracula and Twilight reviews for part 1.) So as I said in my Cujo review, I was going to be covering a little more Stephen King and since the Dark Tower movie approaches, I thought this would be a great time to hit up Salem’s Lot, which comes into play towards the end of the series with Don Callahan, one of our main characters.

Salem’s Lot was Stephen King’s second novel after his huge success with Carrie, about how the quiet town of Jerusalem’s Lot, Maine is quietly taken over by a Vampire named Kurt Barlow and his assistant Straker who move into the “haunted” Marsten House. You notice how I kind of emphasized the word quiet? Well, Salem’s Lot is a quiet book. Do not read this if you are expecting a bloodbath, rich emo kids that sparkle, or vampires that turn into giant bat creatures and fight werewolves for the fate of the universe or some shit like that. Hell, King’s vampires in this are pretty typical. Pale, fangs, lure you to let them in, crosses, holy water, sunlight, and only come out at night- the classic vampire mold. And that’s not a bad thing, because we are given relatable characters and a simple setting many of us either live in or can picture and how it can be creepy or unsettling.

The story centers around Ben Mears, a famous writer who grew up in the lot and returned to it after twenty five years to write about the Marsten House that scared him as a kid. He becomes friends with old Matt Burke, a teacher, and gets the hots for Susan Norton, a young college grad who’s a fan of his. Ben finds out a man named Barlow bought the old Marsten house for his antique furniture business but no one has seen him, just his partner Richard Straker. Not soon after, people start disappearing and others start dying but don’t stay that way. Soon it’s up to Ben, Matt, Sue, young Mark Petrie, Dr. Jim Cody, and struggling father Don Callahan to ban together and finish the undead crisis weeping through quiet little Jerusalem’s Lot before they become next in Barlow’s horde.

Movies have been made about this book and/ or mini series but you’re better off just reading it. It’s a decent vampire story that’s well written, has some genuine chills in it. If you want a decent adaptation that frankly ain’t a adaptation, I recommend checking out the anime Shiki. Both are pretty damn similar but Shiki gives you some darker pathos and a six episode slaughter-fest at the end, but as one of my favorite high school teachers used to say, I digress. Definately check out Salem’s Lot if you’re a Stephen King fan or want a good classic vampire story without the goth romance tropes that have become commonplace in vampire fiction (and anime fans, check out Shiki).

Cujo

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So with Stephen King movies returning to the spotlight of the silver screen after way too long with the long anticipated Dark Tower movie in August and the equally anticipated remake of It in September, I’ll cover some King on the way. I’ve heard it confirmed that Cujo will have a cameo in the Dark Tower film (before his turn I imagine, I’d like to think a rabid St. Bernard wouldn’t get too far in New York City.) so I figured why not not start with this underrated King classic.

Cujo is a simple, confined story of a mother and son trapped in there busted down car in the middle of a empty farmhouse at the mercy of the blazing summer and a massive, diseased St. Bernard gone insane after getting bitten on the nose by a rabid bat. The Trenton family, mom-Donna, dad-Vic, and young son Tad are a reasonably happy young family living in the small burg of Castle Rock, Maine, at least at first. Donna had an affair with tennis player, furniture fixer uper, and total douchebag Steve Kemp. On top of dealing with Donna’s infidelity and his Ford Pinto breaking down all the time, Vic’s small advertising business is caught up in a scare involving defective breakfast cereal and the backlash of legal weight accompanying it, putting everything Vic worked so hard for and his family’s lively hood at stake. Vic has to go away to try to save his business, leaving Donna to go to the town mechanic’s house in a last ditch effort to save that dying Pinto with her son. Joe Cambers is the town mechanic, and a abusive alcholic; Charity, Joe’s wife, wins a small lotto pool and tries to use the money to take herself and there son Brett up to her well to do sister’s place and disappear from Joe’s assholery. He agrees to let her go, planning on going into town with his buddy and scoring some hookers and booze while the wife and kid’s away. This just leaves us to the most tragic character, the lovable St. Bernard Cujo. He’s kind and loves his family but sadly chased the wrong rabbit, ramming his head into the wrong hole where the fateful bats lurked. Cujo slowly loses his mind, his slow, loving nature deteriorates into relentless crimson hate and a lust for blood. When Donna and Tad venture up to the Cambers house on the outskirts of town, Cujo has already slaughtered Joe Chambers and his buddy and will not stop until he kills the Trentons.

So, for the most part the book and movie are similar, though I will recommend the book over the movie for two critical reasons. The first being Cujo’s change which King hauntingly narrates through the big dog’s perspective, being both tragic but also more frightening as the dog almost comes to symbolize the devil coming to make Donna pay for her lustful sins. The second reason is the ending to the book is more heartbreaking but more harrowing than the movie’s. In the movie, Donna pulls a unconscious, dehydrated, and overexposed Tad into the house, giving him CPR desperately until Cujo appears where she finds Joe’s shotgun and blows Cujo’s filthy, bloody ass away, Tad wakes up, happy ending. Well, the book says F you happy ending. Donna has had several severe infected wounds from the mutt; Tad never wakes up and dies scared wanting his daddy; Donna beats Cujo to death in the hot sun until Vic and the police pull her off of him. By no means is the movie bad, it’s actually a solid movie and the imagery of the dog is terrifying as hell.

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There is a flaw either way: it drags a bit either in book or film. The book handles it a little better. I’d suggest shortening it but it’s already a little over 350 pages which is short as hell for any Stephen King story. I have to say, I hope the rumors of a remake are false because a lot of this story would be null in void if told in our modern day (one cell phone call- end of story in twenty minutes.) Definately pick up the book or catch the movie on netflix and may the gaming gods bring you glory and don’t send Cujo on your asses.

Laserlife

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Ok, so I admit I first bought this because it was 3 bucks during a PlayStation sale and it reminded me of a weird music game I got with a P.O.D CD back in 2004. Laserlife revolves around the skeleton of a spaceman floating around the cosmos. We play as two streams of consciousness as we reconnect his memories and learn more about the spaceman through various psychedelic mini games. I cannot lie, this game is a beautiful, vibrant acid trip and a half. You control each stream with your control stick and essentially fly them through pretty colored clusters or avoid pix elated memory blocks. It is fun, simple but more challenging than you would think at times, testing your hand-eye coordination pretty intensely each memory. It’s a calming change of pace from most common games nowadays but it is short. If you find it on sale, go for it, but I discourage paying the full $20 price tag for it.