Category: Retro Review

Tomb Raider (2013)

Remember that time when everyone ran out of ideas in the late 00s, mid 010’s and we kept getting gritty remakes no one asked for? Torsten remembers. The Tomb Raider reboot found it’s way into my staggering backlog as did its sequels and I haven’t played them mainly because I assumed they would be Uncharted knockoffs- but edgy! Was I wrong?

Young archaeologist Lara Croft is part of an expedition to a island in search for relics about an ancient sun princess. A freak storm destroys her her ship, leaving her and her crewmates stranded on a island full of militarized zealots aiming to resurrect the princess. Can Lara overcome the odds, save her friends and escape?

Ok, let me be frank, I wasn’t invested in the characters or plot worth a damn. The game wanted me to take it seriously but I couldn’t. Mostly because of the gratuitous, over the top action scenes that made me wonder if this rendition of Lara Croft was a Kryptonian or was a X mutant the whole time. On top of that, some of Lara’s facial expressions during the few scenes that are supposed to be heavy or intense are unintentionally funny as hell. The characters are ok, nothing special, though Mathias, the main antagonist is a cookie cutter villain. I wasn’t expecting an unforgettable villain like Dutch from Red Dead Redemption 2 or Vas from Far Cry 3 but I wanted something more than his generic ass.

Speaking of Far Cry, the game feels like Far Cry, Uncharted, and a lil bit of The Last of Us gameplay went into a blender with a Michael Bay movie. The game is fun. Combat is smooth but simple. Platforming is pretty well done except some of the set pieces caused a few bullshit deaths. The survival instincts holds your hand bigtime when it comes to combat, puzzles, item finding, and platforming. Its a nice palette cleanser after weeks playing SystemShock. My biggest grievance with the gameplay is this game feels like a time capsule of every PS3 era gaming trope I can think of: QTEs galore, forced multiplayer, COD health regeneration, gritty paintjob on a existing IP, voice and motion controls no one asked for, blood splatter all over the screen after each stealth kill, and hunting akin to Assassin’s Creed 3 without purpose.

In the end, the Tomb Raider reboot is a fun product of its time. It’s not great but a fun, disposable playthrough worth checking out if you find it on sale. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

System Shock (2023)

We begin our story as a hacker getting busted by the Trioptimum Corporation after failing to steal tech. Edward Diego, the man in charge, offers us a deal: face the wraith of the company or do disable the safety protocols on Shodan, the AI for Citadel Station. After disabling the AI, we find ourselves on Citadel. Shodan has gone insane. Most of the crew is slaughtered, many reconfigured into cybernetic monstrosities, the machines have gone rogue, and genetic experiments are running amok. Can you escape the wrathful clutches of a wannabe god?

The original System Shock is a pioneer of immersive sims, heavily inspiring games like Bioshock and Prey. I was thrilled when the remake dropped, having never been able to experience the original.

First, Shodan is easily my favorite part of the game. Terry Brosius is absolutely iconic with her cold, hateful delivery. Shodan has become one of my all time favorite game villains. She is a all encompassing presence on Citadel with multiple Doomsday schemes to eradicate humanity. The game is a lot more eerie and unsettling than I thought it’d be, even more so having Shodan’s face following you, and her cameras eyeing your every step. The enemies themselves are haunting. I love he game’s overall cyberpunk sci-fi horror aesthetic.

Gameplay is very old school in some of the best and worst ways. This game does not hold your hand. You had better pay attention, take some notes, and be ready to dig through every nook and cranny for audio logs and data sticks for what the hell to do and where to go. Like the horror games of old, there’s a hell of a lot of back tracking but I found it fun. The environment tells a story and every floor I found either something fascinating or terrifying. Most of the combat is FPS which is solid, even awesome at times. It was pretty awesome beheading Temu Borg with a laser sword or setting mutants on fire with dragon breath shotgun rounds. There are plenty of puzzles and the cyberspace segments which give me a retro Star Fox meets 80’s space shooter vibe.

While there’s so much of this game I love, I’d be lying if I said this game didn’t piss me off at times. Their were times the game’s objectives are too abstract and for the second half I had to lean real heavy on Youtube to finish the game. Much like Dark Souls dying has big consequences. Autosave is unpredictable and more than I want to admit, it made my life way harder so save often. I also love the game’s retro approach but dammit a few small quality of life improvements would’ve done wonders like having your total ammo on your HUD, not just what’s in the clip. Automatically reloading would be nice too. Like every game, there are pain in the ass part, System Shock’s are FromSoft levels of brutal. I played the game on all the easiest difficulties possible and still took me 36 hours because of the back tracking and difficulty spikes. It wasn’t always fun but it was fulfilling much like my time with Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice.

In the end, I loved the System Shock remake and I’m willing to say it’s up their with Resident Evil 2 (2019) and Dead Space (2023) as far as horror game remakes go. It’s absolutely not a game for everyone, its hard as hell but well worth a play. May the gaming gods bring you glory, insect.

Psychonauts

Hasn’t everybody wanted to be a superhero at least once in there lives? Raz has big dreams of becoming a Psychonaut, even going so far as to sneak into the Whispering Heights Camp for young Psychonauts in training. He was only a few days at the camp before his parents come for him, leaving him precious time to master his powers and uncover a dark mystery threatening the campers and instructors and maybe even the world. Will Raz rise to the occasion?

If any game deserved a modern day facelift or remake, it’s this precious gem. I absolutely love the insane mix of shockingly deep psychological storytelling and dark humor in a pretty complex and creative platformer. This game is a giant acid trip and I love it. Raz is a interesting kid amongst other weird, funny, tragic, or damn creepy characters- seriously the Milkman creeped me out more than most modern horror monsters. The worldbuilding is fantastic and I was really invested in the lore. It was so cool being able to jump into other characters brains, exploring entirely new universes, including bosses.

Unfortunately this game has some deep drawbacks. While extremely creative, that partially leads to how obtuse a lot of the goals and pathfinding are. Way to often I found myself relying on walkthroughs, scratching my head when seeing where I was supposed to go or what the hell I needed. Another big issue I had was items cost too damn much. In the Milkman section, if you don’t have a certain tool, get ready for the game to come to a stop and you have to grind to afford it. The powers are a mixed bag but when they are a blast, they are awesome.

In the end, I highly recommend it but I urge you to stay patient. Originally this game came from PS2/ original X Box era so a lot of the modern gaming comforts aren’t there, and like all platformers, there’s going to be some frustration. Stick around and you will be rewarded with a cool world of memorable characters and one of the most unique games I might’ve ever played. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Star Wars Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy

Remember when you got hyped seeing the iconic headline “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away,” followed by the legendary boom of John William’s score that promised adventure, new worlds, and the unforgettable yet simple clash of good vs evil? Depressed yet? I went back to the good old days to experience a classic (before the dark times, before the real Empire came) for the first time.

We play as Jaden, one of many young force sensitives on our way to Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Academy. As an upcoming Jedi, we go across the galaxy in various missions fighting the last remnants of the Empire as well as the looming threat of a Sith cult trying to revive a ancient god-level, forging our own path as either a Guardian of peace or weapon of the dark side. What will you choose?

I’ve lost lost count how many people have told me either Academy or Jedi Outcast were their favorite Star Wars games and honestly, I can see why. The game is peak Star Wars in so many ways, full of the characters, weapons, locations and music we love. The story isn’t too complicated but effective with diverging paths I appreciated for some replayability. Most of the gameplay holds up remarkably well in places. The FPS features hold up very well and combining guns with force powers can be a blast at time. The saber combat definitely takes some getting used to but it does become intoxicating once you do. Academy and Outcast walked so Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order could run. I do also appreciate you getting to customize not only your lightsaber but your style, whether single, dual wield, or double bladed (I went green and orange dual wield).

Unfortunately, this game does show its age in many ways. The game has some really unpredictable difficulty spikes. There’s moments towards the end that pissed me off because dirty enemy placement, obtuse pathfinding, or bullshit environmental deaths. You’d better get used to manually saving because their are checkpoints, but they’re sporadic and sometimes dying means a hell of a fall back and a long stretch of progress gone. Younger gamers will also hate that there’s no map, waypoints, autosaves, tutorials, and a loose reminder of your current objective. There’s one mission though that absolutely killed the entire game for me- the damn speeder bike mission. It’s nearly unplayable. The bike is nearly uncontrollable, the game clips out between speed and slow- mo, there’s a jump that killed me too many times. I almost rage-quit the whole game because of that one level alone.

In the end, Jedi Academy is a fun blast from the past for Star Wars fans. A nice reminder of better times, before the era of the Mouse set in. It definitely has it’s faults and shows its 20+ year age but with patience, a little help from Youtube, and your favorite booze for that damn speeder bike level, you’ll get through. I recommend picking it up for a good time overall. May the Force be with you and the gaming gods bring you glory.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (sn1)

During an exploration on the moon, a strange object was found. A space dumpster. Inside the long sealed empress of evil, Rita Repulsa, is unleashed to conquer Earth. Zordon, an ancient alien wizard, and his trusty robot servant Alpha 5 spring into action. Zordon has Alpha find five teenagers with attitude from the nearby city of Angel Grove. Jason, Zack, Trini, Billy, and Kimberly were chosen to become the Power Rangers, the only heroes mighty enough to stop the forces of evil…

If you grew up as a 90’s kid as Savior and I did, this show is peak nostaglia as you can get. Fighting, monsters, a colorful giant robot fighting said giant monsters- what else can any kid ask for? Hell, I was a Power Ranger for Halloween the years I wasn’t Batman. The first season with the classic 6 rangers is lightning in a bottle. The core 6 had good chemistry and for the first 60-episode season, it is it cool seeing the characters grow. For example, Billy starts as a weak, stereotypical nerd who gradually becomes the team’s tech wizard as well as a competent, confident fighter. The show’s structure is aligned with self-contained episodes but the multi-part arcs are some of the show’s highlights. The evil Green Ranger arc that introduces the legendary Tommy into the group is still awesome all these years later. The original Zords are iconic: the Mastodon, Triceratops, Pterodactyl, Sabre-Tooth Tiger, Tyrannosaurus, and the Dragon Zord. The theme is one of my all-time favorites and I still smile each time I hear it; the music all around kicks ass.

Like many show’s there’s some dull episodes here and there. Because of the use of Japanese footage, there is quite a bit of repetition to the Ranger and Zord scenes. This show looks goofy and over the top, but to a charming degree. A couple of times in the first season, plotlines do repeat, just slightly altered. As a kid I remember thinking Bulk and Skull, the comic relief bullies, were annoying, and they are, but they grew on me. Rita is a goofball villain with a shrill voice and neither her or her lackeys are competent, but damn if it isn’t funny.

In the end, Power Rangers is a fun, goofy, kids show but it’s still plenty of fun. Whether you’re riffing it with friends, or getting hyped whenever you hear “It’s Morphin Time!”, the first season of Power Rangers is a good, light-hearted time in our dreary world I recommend. May the power protect you.

The Beyond

What do a rundown hotel, a blind woman, a bleak old painting, and a brainwave machine have in common? Eliza is in the midst of renovating the old, dilapidated 7 Gates Hotel in Louisiana when strange things begin to happen. Dangerous, deadly accidents and the appearance of a mysterious blind woman named Emily, who is seeking Eliza. Her message is clear: leave the hotel. Desperate, Eliza refuses only to discover the true horror of the hotel- it was built on one of the seven gates to Hell itself.

A long time ago I talked about House by the Cemetary , the third part of Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. The Beyond is the middle entry, the most renowned of the trilogy, and for damn good reason. The Beyond is just short of a horror masterpiece. The cinematography is both breathtaking and uncanny, which makes you feel unsettled throughout. The music is haunting and even operatic, compounding the surrealness of the whole movie. The gore is absolutely disgusting without ever feeling comedically overboard. The english dub is pretty good, but I do give the actors a lot of credit; their expressions add to the terror. While I deeply love the movie, their’s some flaws that make you scratch you’re head and don’t make sense. Eliza knows someone, somehow you never see her interact with; the one dude might be possessed or something and randomly vanishes at the end; clearly fake spiders on string at one point. The movie isn’t perfect but it is pretty ambiguous with some reality-bending. The ending is bleak as hell and a perfect fit. The Beyond ain’t for everyone- the gore alone will deter a lot of people- but I seriously recommend this Italian horror classic. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengence

How in the hell did we get a sequel? Normally, I’d start with a synopsis, but truth be told, there isn’t much of one. Marshall and Washington reunite begrudgingly to take on a new syndicate and Tommy Wiseau. I just explained the movie and saved you a lot of boredom.

Samurai Cop 2 misses a lot of what made the first great. There is bad acting and garish effects but nothing that reaches into the legendary WTF territory as the first. The pacing is atrocious. Halfway through Savior and I kept asking when it would be over. Tommy Wiseau was…Tommy Wiseau and though he’s the final villain, he is too annoying to be funny. There are a lot of callbacks that don’t go anywhere. In the end , forget this movie exists and stay with the original. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Samurai Cop

When the violent Katana Gang goes too far, it’s up to 2 mispaired cops to bring them down: the laid back Frank Washington and his partner Joe Marshall, the Samurai Cop, trained in Japan… ok let’s stop there.

Samurai Cop absolutely earned its legendary status in B movie culture. It’s got everything a bad movie can ask for: Godzilla-style dubbing, random sex scenes, hilariously bad fight scenes, WTF dialogue, porno level level line deliveries and hair that is clearly a wig. This movie is a laugh riot that thankfully doesn’t try to take itself seriously. Savior and I had a blast reciting lines from it between laughing our asses off at the bad fights and the mankini scenes. There’s not much to say for this Lethal Weapon knock off except it’s a damn fun time with friends that lives up to B movie legend. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Mafia 2

Vito Scarletta and his best friend Joe are out to make a name for themselves in 1940’s Empire City. Both grew up poor, witnessing the destitution of the Great Depression and the riches of the made men in there midsts. After Vito returns from WW2, he finds himself getting involved with a local mob head only to be sent to prison. After a shortened sentence him and Joe are back at with a new family, new opportunities and a bright future. But at what cost?

I have a weird relationship with this series that I mostly love. 2 is actually the final game of the trilogy I played, the 3rd and least loved game being my first foray into the series, then the 1st, and now 2, which many have told me is the series’s peak. In many ways, I can see why.

The game, like the other two, is great at making you feel like you’re in the time period from the clothes, to the cars, to the guns. I will warn you, there are some raunchy scenes and a fair bit of racism involved, understandable given the time period. I loved Vito’s story and I was invested in the other characters. The driving feels solid and I do appreciate being able to tune up and customize your cars as well as save them in your garages. The gunplay is solid and challenging at points, sometimes too challenging. Sometimes I’ve died out of nowhere and the checkpoints can be unmerciful as the later, more intense missions come out. The fighting damn right annoyed the hell out of me and I tried avoiding it whenever possible. The police can be a major pain in the ass, either forgetting you exist instantly or clinging to you like herpes over the dumbest crap- I had to outrun them once for 15 minutes straight just because I checked my guns on the sidewalk. In the end, Mafia 2 is a damn good game despite some annoyances and some harmless bugs but well worth checking out. May the gaming gods bring you glory.