South Park Xmas specials

mr hankey

Do I enjoy Christmas- No. If you saw how Torsten makes a living, you’d understand why I hate holidays of pretty much any kind but me and the legendary Duke would get warm and snug and watch some true family friendly Xmas programming: South Park. I shit you not, pun intended, we did eat a assload of fiber one Xmas eve so we’d get visited by Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. So I’d like to recommend a few episodes for you and you’re loved ones this holiday season, in no particular order, here we go…

5. Red Sleigh Down (s6, ep17)- Santa gets kidnapped by terrorists in the middle east and it’s Cartman’s bright idea to save him so he can win a spot on the nice list. So wrong, but so damn funny.

4. Merry Christmas Charlie Manson (s2, ep16)-  The gang travels to Nebraska to visit Cartman’s family and while there his uncle busts out of jail with none other than Charles Manson, who slowly learns the value of Christmas.

3. Mr Hankey’s Christmas Classics (s3, ep 15)- a various collection of of our favorite characters singing songs for the holiday. May I recommend “Christmas time in hell” by Satan and Hitler?

2. Woodland Critter Christmas (s8, ep14)- ok, in high school this episode scared the shit out of me. Stan finds a lovable group of talking critters that are friggin Devil worshippers and want to birth the Antichrist. I recommend for the dark humored at heart like myself or Savior.

1. Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo (s1, ep9)- the one and only talking piece of poop that brings you presents if you’re good and have a lot of fiber in your diet. There is a lot of heart as the center of it revolves around Kyle feeling isolated because he’s Jewish on Xmas and relevance on the political correct war on Xmas. Definately my top pick of the group and a must see this holiday. Best wishes and may you all get a visit from Mr. Hankey this holiday season.

All American Christmas Carol (2013)

download (1)

I appreciate what this movie was attempting to do. A modern, trailer park version of the classic Christmas story, a Christmas Carol. Actually expected this to be hilarious. It is basically the three expected ghost visiting a white trash mom that thinks work is for suckers to show her the error of her ways and save her family and Christmas. Honestly it starts off pretty well on its way. One of her kids dads (there are many) is a semi professional paint ball player that dies when he gets shot in the eye playing and not wearing his safety glasses. While this in itself isn’t funny, his funeral is at the paintball range and there is beer in the coffin, but only sixer.

Sadly the movie pretty much fails to ever take off. The humor is all about stereotypes but is never actually funny about it, for example one character is a redneck named rat tail that has, you guessed it, a rat tail. He owns a motorcycle and is a professional wrestler. That is it. Outside of being a semi love interest he serves no actual purpose.

The ghost themselves consist of a girl from high school that died during an accident with a donkey, draw your own conclusion, a dead rock star and the main characters mom, none of which are all that memorable. This movie is best avoided. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)

download (1)

This is another movie I saw and just said to myself, self, you are watching this movie. So I popped it on. If you like outrageous B movies with a ridiculous plot just look at the title of the damn movie. It is exactly what it sounds like. A small mining town trying to get some iridium accidentally finds something else. Dinosaurs.  First a few small ones come out, kill some swimmers in bikinis because hey, every B movie has that scene.

Eventually our “paranoid” single survivor of the mine is proven right as dinosaurs run rampant on the town. Of course this is a town of country cowboys so everyone has a gun. By the end of the movie there are bullets and dinosaurs everywhere. As the bodies get stacked high on both sides a daring plan to finish the problem once and for all is hatched. This movie isn’t for everyone, but for B movie fanatics its worth watching. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

san andreas

There hasn’t been a game that made my jaw drop or make me laugh like GTA: San Andreas until I played Borderlands 2.

San Andreas is the story of Carl, a young man returning to the old neighborhood after his mom dies and discovers his old crew is being wiped out by the cops and rival gangs so it’s up to Carl to get the Grove Street Gang back together and retake there hood from shit going down, but in true GTA fashion, is it ever that simple?

While not perfect, the game is pretty damn good and in a lot of ways holds up pretty up well over a decade later. Driving feels really solid and as an open world game it was seriously ground breaking at the time. I love being able to go to the gym and working out to upgrade you’re body and increase you’re stamina, sex appeal with the ladies, and get stronger or eat a bunch of crap and become a fat bastard, that was a awesome feature. The gunplay is hugely improved from the older games. The characters are some of my favorites of gaming, being memorable and also damn right funny at times. Samuel L. Jackson is awesome as Officer Tenpenny.

Overall, it’s a great classic that recommend picking up on sale. May the gaming gods bring you glory and “all you had to do was follow the damn train CJ”

Reefer Madness

reefer madness

Holidays got ya down and need a free laugh? Don’t buy reefer, watch Reefer Madness.

This infamous 1930’s anti-pot film recounts a hilarious downfall a group of American youths at the allure of a couple who get them addicted to marijuana. When I say hilarious, I do mean hilarious from over the top acting, a clear ignorance to the nature of the shit, goofy old time dialogue, whacky scenes that are attempting to be serious you can’t help but laugh your ass off. There’s a scene where after toking a joint a kid guns his car at like 80 miles and hits an old guy crossing the street, but the dude literally just lays on the ground and you can tell the car is being sped up on film. There’s scenes of teens wildly dancing the Charleston while getting high and the guy in the business suit laughing Joker style at nothing. Also, apparently pot makes you go insane and makes you prone to rape, murder, and random violence. Okay doky. This is some shit that has to be seen to be believed and thankfully it’s on YouTube for free in perfect quality so I highly recommend it for a good laugh this holiday season. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Mickey’s Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse (2001)

images

Oh Mickey you and that contemptible damn duck Donald. Wait this isn’t Kingdom Hearts so the duck is cool. Seriously watching this sense me into flashbacks of him not healing me when he was supposed to so I died. They better make him not a useless jackass in KH 3 or I will be upset.

Anyway on to this movie. It is essentially a series of short Christmas stories for the kids…..that  I watched without my kids. My favorite of course was their version of A Christmas Carol. My capitalistic hero Scrooge and those pesky ghost ruining his life stealing all his cash.

Now that I think about it that wasn’t how A Christmas Carol went, but I am sure someone out there thinks Scrooge was the victim here. The movie is about an hour long and is full of Disney characters from what people my age consider the golden era of Disney when everything was pretty much hand drawn. Cameos galore, over dramatic dancing. Its a great nostalgic blast from the past that everyone should take this Christmas. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Bad Santa 2 (2016)

download

Its hard to believe there is a 13 year gap between the two movies, but here we are. Thankfully this time around parents seemed to have been smart enough to realize an R rated movie called “Bad Santa 2” was not good for kids. Maybe that 13 year gap was long enough for those kids to have kids and remember oh shit  Santa’s elf punched a kid in the nuts lets not bring my kid to see this one.

Anyway this time around our elf is out of jail and is back with Santa for one last job, and this time mom is here. Mom is played by Kathy Bates and I have to say Billy Bob, her and Tony Cox work amazing together. Not to be out done Brett Kelly once again plays his role perfectly.

The plan this time? To rob a charity of millions of dollars by pretending to be Santa once again. Having recently watched the first Bad Santa again I can’t say this one is as funny as the first, but it is as good of a movie. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is hilarious and it is now on my list of movies I will watch every Christmas. This is easily one of those must see Christmas movies. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.