Well, I talked about the good, here comes the dung parade, 5 of the crappiest horror remakes that ruined them for everyone, that took great movies and took a massive dump on them. In no particular order, let’s begin with a movie I watched instead of going to prom…
1. Prom Night- yep, this was my real life prom experience, watching this gaudy dog turd. First sign something wasn’t right- a Pg-13 remake of a R rated movie. We get all the preppy teen drama of a crappy teen movie and no gore of a tension-less slasher pic where the killer is a dude in a baseball cap and sport coat. Shit, I shoulda just went to prom.
2. House on Haunted Hill- This hurt a little less than the next one but it hurt pretty damn hard. Vincent Price was a legend…having some dude with a pornstar stash pretending to be Vincent Price was infuriating. I remember watching it with my parents as a kid, loving the original, and thinking this movie was stupid.
3. House of wax- oh this pissed me off. Turning a perverse, eerie classic staring on of the greatest horror icons of all time into a lame ass Friday the 13th knock off with famous cover celebs to play the “Teens”. And the house of wax has little to jack shit to do with the actual movie. Plus, Paris Hilton is a main character…enough said.
4. A Nightmare on Elm Street- you know that saying “if everyone else jumped off of a cliff, would you jump too?”. Well, they sure as hell did. Lame effects, a miscast Freddy, and a really crappy “was Freddy actually innocent?” side plot that turns out bogus anyway killed this remake. The scariest part is wasn’t a dream, it’s real.
5. Halloween- It’s rare when a remake misses the point of the original so badly as Rob Zombie did Halloween. There are no likable characters, Michael Myers’s is no longer an enigma but rather a “no shit” scenario why he turned, and Zombie’s usual penchant for vulgarity, brutality, and gross porn dialogue kill a simple classic. Granted, there are a couple things I like about the remake but still doesn’t assuage the pain of this crapper.
As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.