Tag: film

The Conjuring: Last Rites

The Conjuring: Last Rights is basically the perfect example of how to not make a AAA horror movie. As I do every year around my birthday, I crashed at @torstenvblog house, ordered pizza, and we watched movies. Nine this year to be exact, and I am sure you will be reading about the rest soon enough from him. This one, however, I insisted on writing about myself.

The movie itself mostly revolves around the Warren family and how Ed and Lorrain had a daughter, Judy. They had stopped their investigations for years by the time the Smurl family haunting had taken place, and they were focusing on Judy’s upcoming wedding.

This obviously has nothing to do with the Smurl house, but they did shoehorn Judy having visions and whatnot into this about the Smurl house and the demon that is haunting the family; they came from a mirror shown earlier in the movie connecting the Warrens and Smurls. This never happened in real life, by the way.

In fact, the entire movie never even bothers to make you care about the Smurl family. You spend very little time with them. The little kids are mostly shown running around, playing. The older kids scream a bit about how they can’t keep living like this, but outside of a few scenes, they never really show what this even is. We do get a couple of great scenes towards the end where one daughter finds a video from her birthday and is chased by a crazy ghost with an axe, and this is the same night we see the father molested by one. This, however, is after she screams about living like this; what was going on before then is very little that is even mentioned.

Even ignoring that I come from the same area as this Smurl house (I’ve literally driven past it more than once in my travels) and shared emails with people who lived there while working on a book and helping a friend with a podcast (decades of people who lived there have denied anything happening there, going all the way back to the 1980s) and even ignoring the fact I personally think the Warrens are probably frauds, the potental for this to be a good movie exist. The first two Conjuring movies are good. This movie, however, does everything wrong, and nobody should ever watch this pile of garbage. Best wishes, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022) Review

Christmas Bloody Christmas by writer/director Joe Begos, is a very odd slasher flick for me. It has all the staples of a slasher movie you would want: gory kills, campy acting that isn’t over the top, and a story that makes just enough sense to suspend disbelief but isn’t so far out there to make me just want to turn it off.

The story goes like this: a music store owner named Tori, played by the talented Riley Dandy, is convinced by her long-time employee, Robbie (the equally gifted Sam Delich), to blow off a Tinder date to drink and hang out with him instead. After a quick stop at the local toy store to visit some friends who have decided to stay late for a drunken sex filled night after hours at the store, they are off to the bar. The thing is, the toy store is where they are shown a somewhat creepy electronic Santa that is very popular because it does all the stuff a normal store Santa does, except it isn’t a real person. Personally, I took this as a shot at unfettered capitalism and how companies would rather get rid of an employee and use (quite literally in this case) repurposed military equipment to save money than hire an old man to play Santa.

At the bar, you can hear on the TV that there has been a recall on these Santas because some of them have been reverting back to their original programming. This obviously can’t mean anything bad for our drunk sex fiend friends back at the store, right? Yeah, they are about to get killed mid-coiatis. Tori and Robbie are leaving the bar around this time on their way back to Tori’s house, and assume they are just having a great time.

This, of course, leads to the eventual sex between our main characters, and this is where I need to give a shout-out to Joe. Movies like this tend to take sex scenes and turn them into an excuse to just show a ton of nudity for the sake of having nudity, and this is done quite well. Very little actual nudity ( and this is assuming you consider a thong nudity)

My only real issue comes down to the massive amount of false finishes with the villain. They start at around halfway through the movie, and I completely understand the concept of building suspense and building to a climax and building hope, etc. There does come a point when you are no longer building anything, and you are simply killing momentum for an audience.

I can only watch Mecha Santa get hit by so many cars or take so many shotgun blasts that “kill him” so many times before I don’t care if he gets up or not, and by the time Tori actually kills him, I didn’t care who died as long as the movie ended. I went from rooting for Tori to rooting for the movie to just end. I started out enjoying the movie, but by the end, I simply didn’t care. It isn’t the acting or even the story; it is simply a matter of how they chose to play it out. More deaths and fewer false deaths for Santa would have gone a long way. Best wishes, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Cobweb (2023) Review

Cobweb (2023) is one of those movies where I love pretty much every person in the movie. Lizzy Caplan has been great in every movie I have ever seen her in, and Antony Starr speaks for himself. The young Woody Norman is their son, Peter, who does his best as their awkward homebody son, but none of this can save the film.

Let’s rewind a bit first. Lizzy playsCarol, a neurotic and overprotective mother of Peter, and who can blame her. It is almost Halloween, and they live in a town where, right down the street, a young girl went missing. never to be found. Antony plays Mark, a seemingly normal, loving man just doing what is best for his family.

Peter is their 8-year-old son who just wants to go trick-or-treating like every other kid in school, in hopes that maybe he will stop being a social outcast and maybe get the other kids to stop picking on him. This isn’t gonna happen though, since his parents aren’t fans of the holiday. They do oddly have a massive crop of pumpkins in the backyard.

Yes, there’s a body buried here somewhere.

If you think there is a body buried somewhere in the pumpkin patch, you are right. The movie tells you that for free with no guesswork involved. See, Peter quickly starts hearing a weird tapping in the wall that his parents quickly tell him isn’t real. Mark later tells him it must be rats, so they set out some rat poison. I am aware this makes no real sense; it’s just foreshadowing for the sake of a plot point later. Usually, this sort of thing serves a purpose and is hinted at, like there would be some sign of rats. Maybe they would have been eating the pumpkins, but no, they have their own issue. Rot, so they bury some.

This is the kind of writing that detracts from what should have been a great movie. Don’t get me wrong, the movie isn’t a dumpster fire; it’s enjoyable and fun for a quick watch. But what should be a movie we talk about as a movie that proves we can rehash concepts and still make quality, amazing movies, instead comes across as lazy. Best wishes, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.