Emoji Movie (2017)

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So the other day I am sitting at home the other day and @torstenvblog shoots me a message and says “Hey the worst movie of 2017 hit Netflix you want to cover it or should I?” So I asked him which one he meant and he replies “Emoji movie” The problem is this was about 3 hours after I had already watched the movie. He also seemed very upset when I said I didn’t think the movie was as bad as people said. In his words, “I wanted a real fucking dumpster fire” anyway on to the review.

This movie got OBLITERATED in many reviews. A lot of people hated this movie, hell you can look up many reviews and read them. But if you go to Rotten Tomatoes or even metacritc you can see an underlining thread to many many MANY of the reviews. A lot of the reviews seem to be quite pissed off that this is a movie made to be watched by a child with its parent. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying the movie is great or even perfect or even great.

The story is about a meh emoji that lives inside of a smart phone that has many emotions and because of this the original emoji, smiley, decides to have the anti virus erase it to save them all from being deleted when Alex factory resets his phone. Gene, the meh emji then goes on a trip to get into the cloud so he can be hacked to get rid of his other emotions. The story is just a kind of cute story about being true to yourself and simply being who you are.

As I said the movie and story aren’t perfect, in fact most adults will in fact hate the movie. However it actually isn’t badly done, it is just meant for kids. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Assassin’s Creed 2

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I say this right now: Assassin’s Creed 2 is the very definition of a superior sequel in every freaking way I can think of. Better game play, better story, more varied combat, a much more interesting, likable character, and a hell of a lot more to do. Plus, it’s my favorite time period covered in the series so far.

Desmond and Lucy escape Abstergo after Desmond discovers he acquired Eagle Vision and we quickly discover he has learned a bit of fighting prowess from his ancestor. The Bleeding Effect is taking place- where the skills of his ancestors is being transmitted through him via the Animus. He connects with a group connected with modern day Assassins, who want to take down the Templars running Abstergo. There plan is to relaunch Desmond into the Animus and have him relive the early days of another ancestor and gather training as he himself learns how to be an Assassin. This ancestor is Ezio Auditorie de Firenze. Ezio’s had the perfect life until his father is betrayed, his father and brothers hung for treason, family broken and wanted and Ezio left hapless until his uncle Mario (yes, they do make a joke about Mario) gives them refuge and helps Ezio discover a family secret and we see Ezio’s transformation from carefree playboy to badass Assassin…

As I said in the intro, this is a superior sequel in every way. Ezio is a much more deeper character with a lot more personality than Altair. Fighting mechanics royally improved; water doesn’t kill you anymore. Graphics are hugely improved and the Italian Renaissance is  gorgeously rendered. For side missions, we can carry separate contracts, do courier  missions, beat up cheating bastards, solve fascinating glyph puzzles, traverse hidden area puzzles for rare armor or just pimp your homestead. I loved being able to use Da Vinci’s inventions as well, that was so epic. I seriously recommend this as your first entry into the series and it is worth buying again. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Extract (2009)

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Extract is a rather odd movie. First it takes place mostly in a factory dedicated to making extract flavoring. Not exactly your usual movie setting. Joel our main character is trying to sell his business, but a freak accident is about to make that damn near impossible. By freak accident I mean extract gets spilled, a forklift spills stuff thigns get knocked off an oxygen tank gets shot like a torpedo and a guys balls get blown off. Yes as in his testicles.

Enter Mila Kunis, a less than moral money hungry woman trying to get a piece of the pie in this lawsuit. The movie has a few funny moments and the story is interesting enough, but to be honest I normally expect more from this cast. The movie isn’t bad but there are better movies out there. By all means check it out, but don’t expect a 5 star event. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Assassin’s Creed

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“Nothing is known, but everything is permitted.”- the Assassin’s Creed.

So a bit over a decade ago, the world was taken by storm over a pretty damn imperfect game with a premise so awesome people could forget how kinda crappy the actual game was. For ages a secret feud has brewed between Assassins and Templars and in the present (or very near future, I forget which) we find a nothing, average dude named Desmond who is abducted by almighty corporation Abstergo and placed in a device called a Animus to have him relive the memories of his ancestors, because they want to find the almighty Apple of Eden.  For most of the game we play as Desmond’s ancestor, Altair during The Crusades as he has to rediscover what being an Assassin really means as he slays the corrupt…

Awesome premise right? Well yeah. The story was LITERALLY the only thing that kept me going through this. It’s intriguing. But my god this damn game repeats itself more than that one family member we all have that won’t shut he hell up. Literally, you get an assignment, travel to the target, get info on target, kill target sloppily, get out, rinse and repeat like 8 times. There is rarely such a thing as a perfect kill. Either the guy is in a crowd of annoying, obnoxious civilians- which by the way fail your mission if kill them on accident- or circumstances don’t align perfectly. Combat isn’t great and rather bland. Graphics are solid. Desmond is OK as a character but the rest of the characters are just bland, especially Altair. Also, fair warning, I had a shit ton of glitches with it on PS3 but I didn’t have internet then so maybe patches were released; another fair warning, falling in water equals instant death. One of them damn games. In the end, I personally can’t recommend it, start with 2, which does a decent job recapping it anyway without the hours of bastard glitches and repetition. May the gaming gods bring you glory and best wishes.

 

Radius (2017)

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Radius is an interesting movie. A man gets into a car accident, wakes up with no memory at all, and discovers that everything around him that comes within a certain distance of him inexplicably drops dead. Humans, birds doesn’t matter. Actually quite a few birds, P.E.T.A. must hate this movie.

The acting is pretty nice and the story has its ups and downs. It will waste no time getting into whats going on. The movie will start out right at him waking up which is a very good reason. The movie revolves around trying to figure out who he is, and why a mystery woman can be in his presence without dying.

The movie has very few twist and turns or anything surprising in it, except the ending. In retrospect probably should have seen it coming but somehow I did not. It is worth watching tho, best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Spider-man: the animated series

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In the 90’s we got a tri-fecta of awesome cartoon superheroes with Batman: the animated series and X-Men the animated series , concluding with Spider-man’s turn. The show told the tales of Peter Parker taking on villains like Shocker, Scorpion, Rhino, Doc Ock, as well as favorites Green Goblin and Venom as well as a huge host of others. What made this show really cool was how much of Marvel it opened up to a lot of us as kids with appearances from Blade, Daredevil, Punisher, Dr. Strange, War Machine, Captain America, the Fantastic Four, and the damn X men just to name a few. Like X men, there are a lot of sagas that are pretty well done but one huge flaw I have is this show is safe as hell. There isn’t any real violence or grit but it’s still enjoyable and worth checking it out. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Is there a best Star Trek Series?

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After doing all the Star Trek movies a long time ago, I considered reviewing all the t.v. series, which hey I suppose if you guys want I can still work on. But the real question is, is there a universally best?  My father for example would swear up and down the original series was the way to go. Don’t worry, i’m not here to bash any of them. I loved them all, except the new discovery which I haven’t seen because I refuse to subscribe to another service and I hate the idea of  simply stealing it.

The original series is just that, the original. It was a bit rough at times. Plenty of over acting the special effects were primitive, but for its time it was pretty damn original. The next generation however has everything the original did, but did it better and by many is considered the best of the t.v. shows.

Deep Space Nine however took us off the enterprise and on to the space station of, you guessed it, Deep Space Nine This one actually took a different approach where the story was less from episode to episode and had a more traditional approach with an over all story. DS9 also took place at the same time as TNG, in fact many of the characters make cameos in both shows and O’Brien and worf actually become permanent parts of DS9.

Next we have Voyager which honestly was pretty much Lost in Space. Do to some jack ass species of alien the ship gets ripped to the opposite side of the galaxy and they journey home. While doing this they will run into new species, some hostile some friendly, and discover new things about the Borg.

Last but not least we have Enterprise. This show is about the early days of Earth exploration, before the Federation even existed. This show was quite interesting but for many reasons never seemed to take off.

But was there an objectively best? I don’t think so. I truly think it comes down to the old fashioned age argument. Older people love the original because they saw it first and it was new. Others in between saw it in reruns but fell in love with TNG, others may love the over all stories of DS9 and Voyager. But at the end of the day it comes down to people loving the world itself. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.