torstenvblog

Destroy all humans

destroy all humans

I love old time sci fi movies so being able to play in one was kinda great, the raunchy humor and cool weapons and powers just so happened to be icing on the cake. The game is simple really. We play as Cypto, an alien from the planet Furon who comes to 1950s America to kill humanity after a botched incident involving Area 51. Armed with a array of alien weapons, a flying saucer, and the power to use telepathy, hologram disguises, and telekinesis we set off against the cops, military, and Majestic Agents that want to take you down.

First I’m going to say this game is fun. There’s a lot of variety in you’re methods of destruction. Disguise yourself and start throwing cars with telekinesis? Sure. Run through the suburbs of brainless men and scandalous housewives guns blazing while shooting people with you handy dandy anal probe- yes you actually get a anal probe and it is amazing. Guns and powers work really good and fluid for there time. A favorite pastime I have is simply reading the minds of the people around me and hearing the crazy or just plain hilarious and often politically incorrect they are thinking. The spoof of 50’s culture is perhaps my favorite aspect of the game. Realistically though I do have problems. I feel you die awfully easy in either on foot or in your ship; actually weirdly enough I feel you can take more damage on foot than you can in your ship. The saucer I feel could have have used a bit more agility to help avoid damage; the controls for it do feel a bit clunky. It aged decently well from its PS2 era release and it’s definitely a good pick up on the current generation. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Ted 2

ted 2

I will never think of Trix cereal or John William’s iconic Jurassic Park theme the same ever again. And because of this movie, Savior and I will get kicked out of a Improv house someday.

So we begin on Ted’s wedding day to Tammi Lyn as we see John saddened by his divorce from now ex wife Lori. Ted urges him to get back in the dating game while soon Ted’s marriage is in jeopardy. But they find a solution: just have a baby. This however isn’t a easy task since Ted is a toy and not capable of reproducing, leading to adoption and the core dilemma of the film: the government cracks down on Ted for being essentially a stuffed animal, not alive, and soon his rights are being systematically taken away. So it’s up to John and Ted to team up with a fresh young, cute lawyer named Sam L. Jackson and prove to the world Ted is alive. Oh and that creepy ass weirdo from the first movie is back too.

I’m going to call this movie subjective: you’ll either love it or hate it. In fact I think it’s funnier than the first. There’s a lot more outrageous humor and crazier cameos in this movie. The performances are great all around and the story is actually pretty deep. I know comedy sequels especially have a reputation for sucking but I recommend checking it out. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Ted

ted

Ya ever just need a feel good movie when life sucks ass? Two of my favorites are the Ted movies. For my thunder buddy Savior, I figured why not…

Ted is the story of a kid named John Bennett whose teddy bear comes to life after making a wish on a star. The world freaks out and overnight Ted becomes famous for a time, but through fame and fall, twenty years later him and John are still best friends, mainly cracking jokes and getting high together, but there is a problem. John’s girlfriend Lori wants John to grow up and make Ted move out. Now Ted has to get a job and a place and avoid the creepy son of a bitch following him in the background of this strange, outrageous tale narrated by Sir Patrick Stewart because…reasons.

It’s quite rare a movie makes me almost piss myself laughing but also bring on the feels. Ted achieves this extremely well. Speaking of which, the effects on Ted himself are really damn good and Seth McFarlene brings this A game here as writer, directer, and as a voice actor.Him and Mark Wahlberg have a great chemistry together. I will say, if you aren’t a fan of Family Guy or that type of humor, this movie isn’t for you but I had a awesome time with it. May the gaming gods bring you glory and a thunder buddy.

Happy Birthday Savior

ted bday shot

I told Savior for his birthday I’d review the Ted movies not just because they’re amazing but because at the end of the day, Savior is my thunder buddy. We hang out, eat pizza, go on adventures, and fight with toy lightsabers in my living room even though were getting too old for that shit. He’s there for the good, for the bad, and for those random times I get drunk and need to tell someone Fuck the Man at 3 o clock in the morning. He taught me how to drive, how to throw knives and tell your landlord those scratches came with the cabinet, and how to do half this blog stuff…ok most of it…ok all of it, and that streaming Elite Dangerous for 14 hours is hard as hell. Most of all, he is a good, honest loyal friend I’m gad to call a battle buddy, a boss, and a brother. Oh by the way, if you follow him on Twitch on Savior699, don’t say the phase “Meat Paste” on the chat. That being said, love ya bro, and thank all of you guys reading our stuff for the love and support.

A sincere and sappy message from Torsten V

The Last Jedi (second opinion)

last jedi

For Savior’s birthday, he had a dream: he wanted to see a debut of a Star Wars movie and well, dreams come true. I have thing if anyone hasn’t noticed that I don’t include the episodes in the title, frankly I save that for the ugh films in the series, and by the title of this blog, this is one of the greats.

Directly after Awakens, the Resistance is in some pretty deep shit as the First Order barrels down on them. The bulk of both sides find themselves at all out war in space and the Resistance forces are dying off quickly and with Leia out of commission, against the will of her replacement and time ticking down before all will be lost, its up to Finn, Poe, BB-8, and a technician named Rose to carry out a secret mission to save the Resistance. We also join Rey as she finds a very gruff and broken Luke Skywalker in his self imposed isolation. Through time and persistence he agrees to teach her the ways of the force, but also why the Jedi deserve to be gone. In this journey as Rey’s power grows she begins forming a connection with the last person she would have ever expected…Kylo Ren, who is still dealing with the conflict of light and dark burning inside him, and with that comes the horrible truth of why Ben Solo turned to the dark side.

The Last Jedi was a movie that took chances and I have a lot of respect for that. It makes us ask a lot of questions about what we knew before as well as answers many of what we were left with in Awakens. There is a lot of bold choices and may I say this maybe the darkest Star Wars movie to date, but it was balanced with some funny moments. Luke and Leia were amazing, R.I.P Carrie Fischer, and Rey and Kylo stepped up there game a lot but overall the performances were great. It is a beautiful movie visually as well and holy shit there is a lot of really epic scenes. One scene in particular near the end maybe in my top 3 favorite Star Wars fights. There are pacing issues with the Finn and Rose side plot and sometimes the movie did feel longer than it should have but overall since I rated the others, I’ll give it a solid A. Here are links for the rest of my reviews for the series I’ve covered and may the force be with you.

Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back Return of the Jedi The Force Awakens

Star wars: Rogue One

The Force Awakens

force awakens

Thank the force we got a course correction for Star Wars after an ass load of (shiver) at the prequels. Yes, in many ways Awakens is a soft remake of the original classic but in no way a shot for shot remake.

After the fall of the Empire, a much more cruel force has started overtaking the galaxy in there wake. They call themselves the First Order and immediately we notice there dedication to the former Empire with the reinstatement of Stormtroopers equipped heavier and trained to exterminate Jedi, led by a figure in black named Kylo Ren tasked with killing off the Resistance led by a much older Leia. During an attack on Jakku, one stormtrooper sees the evil of Ren and the order first hand and decides to escape with a pilot named Poe they captured, crashing back on Jakku alone, finding a young woman named Rey who found Poe’s droid BB-8, who’s carrying plans for a new devastating weapon. Now named Finn, him and Rey journey to find the Resistance to return BB-8, coming across Han Solo who takes them to Leia as we see it was not truly a happy ever after in the years after Jedi. Luke had tried rebuilding the Jedi but there own son Ben Solo, Kylo Ren, had turned to the dark side much like his grandfather had, breaking Luke as well Han and Leia’s marriage. Finn and Rey are scared as hell, especially Rey who keeps having feelings she can’t explain, doing things she can’t explain, and having visions when she gets to touch the lightsaber that once belonged to both Anakin and Luke. But the question remains, where did Luke Skywalker go?

I have to say the only real flaw I have with this movie is that it does feel very much like the classic film but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. I hated what Star Wars had become after the prequels, remasters, and overabundance of cartoons, comics, games, and shit that never captured the feeling right. Awakens does for me. I love where the old characters stand as well as got invested in the new characters. I love the darker feeling, but that Finn, Poe, and Han added some levity. The movie is a good blend of practical and CGI unlike the prequels and thank god we didn’t get a over embellished, super fast, over choreographed lightsaber duel at the end. Kylo Ren feels similar to Darth Vader but I like his lack of composure and his depth, plus I love his lightsaber. Overall, I thought it was a great movie that put the series back on track and in regards to the originals I give it a A-. May the force be with you all.

Return of the Jedi

return of the jedi

Jedi blew my mind and to this day this remains my favorite trilogy ender and damn you whoever was responsible for adding in all the bullshit that killed this movie in the remaster.

Again, not too much longer after Empire, the rebels are in a really crappy place. Jabba got Han Solo by means of ridiculously overrated bounty hunter Boba Fett at the end of Empire, the Empire is building a second Death Star with Vader’s master the Emperor overseeing it’s construction personally, and after getting his hand chopped off by Vader, his faith in his mentors crushed by Vader’s revelation he is indeed Anakin Skywalker, and his lightsaber gone, Luke is M.I.A to finish his training to become a Jedi. Leia and Lando try rescuing Han but to no avail and suddenly all of Han’s friends are caught in Jabba’s grasp. Suddenly, a somber Luke arrives all in black with a new lightsaber and his powers great, to save the day. Before reuniting with the rebels, he returns to Yoda who dies of old age before telling him to become a Jedi he must confront Vader and that there is another Skywalker- his twin sister Leia. As the rebels begin a finally assault on the second Death Star led by Lando, it’s up to our heroes to destroy the shield to it on Endor, banning together with the Ewoks, as Luke gives himself to Vader and a final clash to save his father and save the galaxy…

Ok, so I seriously have to say the versions ratings are going to split hard on this.

Pre 97: A-

Post 97: C

Overall, the characters again are done very well again, with great music and truly epic battles that lead into a satisfying conclusion. Originally I got teary eyed watching Vader’s final moments with Luke. This being said, the remaster fucked up the immersion a lot with some really ridiculous CGI scenes like a goofy musical number in Jabba’s palace or the Scarlac’s stupid CGI beak. On top of that they try really hard at the end to wrap the whole saga up with views of places you don’t even hear about in the original trilogy and even edited out Anakin’s original force ghost at the end with his prequel actor Hayden Christensen (shiver). Also they substitute the jubilant celebration music at the end for something less memorable and more somber. AND TO REALLY PISS ME OFF, because it helped so much at the end of Revenge of the Sith, Darth Vader once again bellows NOOOO before throwing the Emperor. I loved the original and damn Luke’s debut with the emerald green lightsaber was amazing but try not to watch the newer version if you can help it. May the force be with you and let the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Empire Strikes Back

empire strikes back

Hands down in my opinion Empire is my favorite sequel of all time, and thankfully the damn remaster didn’t really touch it. So after the awesome first entry, how can you really top it?

Picking up after not long after Star Wars ended, the rebels are getting there asses kicked by the Empire, bad and are laying low on the ice planet Hoth. Leia is trying to run too much by herself, Han broke her heart because shit’s getting too real for him and he wants to bail- again- and Luke is about to freeze to death or get eaten alive by a space yeti while getting cryptic messages from the ghost of Obi wan to find something on Dagobah called Yoda. Also, Vader is pissed and comes back with a vengeance. After a really epic battle on Hoth, the rebels flee and our heroes split. Han, Leia, Chewbacca, and C3PO have the Empire on there ass as they flee to Han’s friend Lando who runs Cloud City while Luke searches out Yoda, a Jedi master who once trained Obi wan to finish his training. Vader commissions a group of bounty hunters to track down Solo, but Solo isn’t his true target. He plans to try and bring Luke to the dark side with him. Luke has visions of his friends and while his training is far from complete he rushes to go save them, falling into a trap set by Vader, luring Luke into a fight and the truth of what really happened to his father…

Wow, everything pretty much improved in this. The characters not only progressed since the first, but also we learned more about them. The dialogue is great, combined with great music, great effects, and a amazing sense of tense, eerie, nuance at the very end with the Luke and Vader fight. I’m glad to say there isn’t major changes, the effects they used blend right in. Either way I give this movie a A+ easy and absolutely check it out. May the force be with you, always.

Star Wars

Let’s talk about a film trilogy that shaped 9 out of 10 childhoods, changed the way people look at fantasy and sci fi forever, and that came from left field and kicked major ass. It will always be Star Wars to me, such as the sequels will always be Empire, Jedi, and Awakens to me because Star Wars meant a grand epic story full of intrigue, great characters, cool settings and hope for punk ass nobodies like myself that maybe we aren’t nothing in the grand scheme of things, that everybody, no matter how small can make a difference.

I’m sure most of us know the story but for those who don’t, I’m truly sorry because I’ll get to that at the end but I’m going to rectify that a bit. Luke Skywalker is a bored teen living on the desert planet of Tatooine, farming moisture with his aunt and uncle, wishing he was off fighting the far off rebellion against the Galactic Empire. One day he finds two droids, C3PO and R2D2, who are secretly carrying a message from Princess Leia for a old Jedi master named Obi wan Kenobi to help her. Luke knows a mysterious old hermit named Ben Kenobi that is indeed Obi Wan, and tells Luke about the Jedi Knights of old days and hands Luke his father’s old lightsaber. Obi wan offers to train Luke in the ways of the force, to become a Jedi like his father, but Luke is bound to his aunt and uncle- until the Empire came looking for the droids and murdered his family. Alone with old Obi wan, it’s up to Lukeand two scoundrels, Han Solo and Chewbacca, to save Leia from the clutches of the Empire and their dark, menacing enforcer Darth Vader and destroy there humongous moon sized super weapon called the Death Star that blows up planets…

So, obviously I love the shit out of this movie but now for the original trilogy I have to do things a little differently. I’m going to give the original and “remasters” a rating from A to F to show you an idea how much it kills the experience and tarnishes these masterpieces.

Pre 97: A

Post 97: B+

So why did I drop it a grade between versions? True some of the effects are touched up, the lightsabers look better and the Death Star run at the end looks better BUT other things they added were invasive as hell to say the least. Like they add a scene wwith Jabba the Hut that adds nothing but fluff and looks off with the CGI. You can tell it was added way later. And speaking of Solo, his encounter with bounty hunter Greedo in the Cantina was altered so Greedo shot first instead of Han. This is stupid for two reasons. First, it looks half assed how they added Greedo’s first shot. And more importantly, originally it shows Han to be more of a cool lonely badass who finds a heart through the trilogy and a cause to fight for than a already good guy that want him to be. Honestly, you can easily fast forward the Jabba scene with a click but the stuff makes you groan a little bit but doesn’t destroy the movie’s immersion. In the end, I highly recommend Star Wars if you never saw or did, it’s a great time. May the force be with you, always, my friends.

South Park Xmas specials

mr hankey

Do I enjoy Christmas- No. If you saw how Torsten makes a living, you’d understand why I hate holidays of pretty much any kind but me and the legendary Duke would get warm and snug and watch some true family friendly Xmas programming: South Park. I shit you not, pun intended, we did eat a assload of fiber one Xmas eve so we’d get visited by Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. So I’d like to recommend a few episodes for you and you’re loved ones this holiday season, in no particular order, here we go…

5. Red Sleigh Down (s6, ep17)- Santa gets kidnapped by terrorists in the middle east and it’s Cartman’s bright idea to save him so he can win a spot on the nice list. So wrong, but so damn funny.

4. Merry Christmas Charlie Manson (s2, ep16)- The gang travels to Nebraska to visit Cartman’s family and while there his uncle busts out of jail with none other than Charles Manson, who slowly learns the value of Christmas.

3. Mr Hankey’s Christmas Classics (s3, ep 15)- a various collection of of our favorite characters singing songs for the holiday. May I recommend “Christmas time in hell” by Satan and Hitler?

2. Woodland Critter Christmas (s8, ep14)- ok, in high school this episode scared the shit out of me. Stan finds a lovable group of talking critters that are friggin Devil worshippers and want to birth the Antichrist. I recommend for the dark humored at heart like myself or Savior.

1. Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo (s1, ep9)- the one and only talking piece of poop that brings you presents if you’re good and have a lot of fiber in your diet. There is a lot of heart as the center of it revolves around Kyle feeling isolated because he’s Jewish on Xmas and relevance on the political correct war on Xmas. Definately my top pick of the group and a must see this holiday. Best wishes and may you all get a visit from Mr. Hankey this holiday season.