Author: torstenvblog

Well, I talked about the good, here comes the dung parade, 5 of the crappiest horror remakes that ruined them for everyone, that took great movies and took a massive dump on them. In no particular order, let’s begin with a movie I watched instead of going to prom…

 1. Prom Night- yep, this was my real life prom experience, watching this gaudy dog turd. First sign something wasn’t right- a Pg-13 remake of a R rated movie. We get all the preppy teen drama of a crappy teen movie and no gore of a tension-less slasher pic where the killer is a dude in a baseball cap and sport coat. Shit, I shoulda just went to prom.

 2. House on Haunted Hill- This hurt a little less than the next one but it hurt pretty damn hard. Vincent Price was a legend…having some dude with a pornstar stash pretending to be Vincent Price was infuriating. I remember watching it with my parents as a kid, loving the original, and thinking this movie was stupid.

 3. House of wax- oh this pissed me off. Turning a perverse, eerie classic staring on of the greatest horror icons of all time into a lame ass Friday the 13th knock off with famous cover celebs to play the “Teens”. And the house of wax has little to jack shit to do with the actual movie. Plus, Paris Hilton is a main character…enough said.

 4. A Nightmare on Elm Street- you know that saying “if everyone else jumped off of a cliff, would you jump too?”. Well, they sure as hell did. Lame effects, a miscast Freddy, and a really crappy “was Freddy actually innocent?” side plot that turns out bogus anyway killed this remake. The scariest part is wasn’t a dream, it’s real.

 5. Halloween- It’s rare when a remake misses the point of the original so badly as Rob Zombie did Halloween. There are no likable characters, Michael Myers’s is no longer an enigma but rather a “no shit” scenario why he turned, and Zombie’s usual penchant for vulgarity, brutality, and gross porn dialogue kill a simple classic. Granted, there are a couple things I like about the remake but still doesn’t assuage the pain of this crapper.

As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

So who ever got pissed by a shitty remake of a movie you loved? Probably everyone of us at one time, and oh I’ll be talking about those tomorrow. Today I wanted to give some love to those that went the extra mile and defied the natural law of shitty remakes, in particular order, let’s begin with…

 1. The Thing- I love John Carpenter. I loved the original Thing from another world. Rather than doing a repeat, Carpenter brilliantly kept the base concept but made the creature a microscopic organism that copies the species it comes into contact with, making for some really crazy, bloody moments that are truly unforgettable and I can see I never saw anything quite like it, just pale imitations.

 2. The Fly- Much like the thing remake, The Fly took the base concept and went to the nth degree with it. We watch our main character grotesquely degrade as he turns into a man sized fly. Not for the weak stomached especially, The Fly is a gross, tragic, horror tale that should be watched and admired.

 3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre- This one I can see as debatable and I fully appreciate the original but frankly the remake gave the shivers as a kid. Still isolated, I liked the darker, more intense tone, though I wish it didn’t feel so much like a Hollywood movie. The new family and the re-imagined Leatherface intrigued me. Definitely worth a shot if you want an intense thrill ride.

 4. Carrie (02)- It was a tie between this or IT and I know i’m a raging IT fanboy so I’d take the other road. Probably the least known of everything on this list, the first remake of Carrie follows the book almost perfectly with just the right amount of drama and special effects. Angela Bettis has a warm inner strength as Carrie and is startlingly blank when enraged. The ending is probably my favorite of the three film adaptations.

 5. The Hills have Eyes- Ok, I kinda lied when I said these were in no particular order. The Hills is my favorite; it’s the first movie I ever went to where the audience cheered when the main character got revenge on the mutants at the end. This movie seriously inspired me a lot at just the right age with it’s crazy blend of a horror, revenge, science fiction, epic western. I loved it’s gritty take on mutants and the sense of isolation in the desert, I loved it’s badass fights and amazing score.

Thank you as always and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Ok, I did my civic duty with Saw 3 and warned everyone to stop there. Yes, I know there are loose ends and questions still remaining but walk away. I’m not going to hate on Saw 4 because I do like it but the ending destroys the series for me. There will be spoilers if you haven’t seen it.

The movie begins with a cheap gross out moment where we see Jigsaw get autopsied on and a cassette tape is found in his stomach, perfectly preserved. So the police have been whittled down to near extinction, leaving Rig, a SWAT commander alone after his close friends Matthews and Kerry have been taken out by Jigsaw, along with Detective Hoffman. Together they are the last ones standing. Rig is haunted by the sick shit he sees everyday, and desperately runs into danger trying to help. Alone after his wife and kid go away, Rig is taken by Jigsaw and put through a macabre gauntlet to teach him to control his sympathy and see the world how Jigsaw sees it. As this goes on, Jill Tuck, John Kramer’s estranged ex wife is interrogated by the feds and through flashbacks we’re able to see the events that led to John losing it and becoming Jigsaw. The story is fine, the traps are still cool, and out of all the main Saw heroes, Rig by far is my favorite. I can relate to him, a good man who who wants to do good and save innocent people, but wrecks himself to do it. The problem comes at the end when we find out Jigsaw had yet another apprentice, Hoffman. At first I liked the ending but watching it older, I figured out this twist was there to keep the story pumping on, life support for a few more sequels. After the crap stake that was Saw 5 (which I already reviewed months ago), the series died for me. Overall, 4 isn’t bad or great but worth watching if you came this far. May the gaming gods bring you glory and I’ll see you for Saw 6.

Well, that was quick. Seriously, sequels for this franchise exploded like rabbits during the 80’s. The first came out in 1980, part 8 would be out before the end of the decade just to give you an idea. Part 2 is Jason’s first appearance in the series as the killer but he ain’t the icon we know today. No jumpsuit, no machete, and no hockey mask. Instead he has jean overalls, flannel shirt, and wore a white sack over his head with eye holes cut out. I like the look but it’s kind of generic. The movie picks up after the first with Alice, the heroine of the first, as she’s killed in her home by Jason. Throughout the movie, we piece together that Jason never really drowned but has been living in the woods and watched Alice decapitate his mother in there final conflict; he built a creepy shrine to his mother in his little hermit shack with her sweater and her severed head. Oh and did I mention there’s more dumbass teens trying to open the cabin again? Damn meddling kids. It’s been a little while so I can’t really remember any of the counselors names. I do like how the movie lures you into almost thinking the dude in the wheelchair could be the hero of the film; he’s not a teen stereotype and is actually a positive role model after hearing his realistic story of self redemption after a motorcycle accident…but this is Friday the 13th, not Sesame Street, so he gets a machete to the face and his sent falling down a hill of stairs. The kills are good and the acting is alright. At the end there’s a creepy face off with Jason and the main girl where she puts on the sweater of Mrs. Voorhees and talks Jason down. Overall, it’s a pretty standard slasher sequel but I’d say it’s worth a go. May the gaming gods bring you glory, and happy belated Jason day.

Ok, I’m telling you to stop at Saw 3. Seriously, don’t keep rolling down this rabbit hole. The ending is fine, not every question has to be answered, let it go. I wish I did.

Saw 3 picks up with Matthews’s team trying to find him. only finding more bodies. But there seems to be something different. These following traps were designed unwinnable, either by flaw or purpose. It doesn’t take long for the cops to figure out it ain’t John Kramer’s work. Matthew’s partner Kerry finds out the hard way when she’s caught, trapped and wins…but dies anyway. Meanwhile, a doctor gets nabbed by Amanda, Jigsaw’s apprentice, and taken to John with a very simple goal: keep John alive long enough for another victim to pass three tests or the bomb collar around her neck will explode. The man being tested is named Jeff, a grieving father whose son got killed by a drunk driver. Every test puts him face to face with someone responsible for the crime and it’s his choice whether to save them or not. Lynn is violently depressed and self medicating on pills while still working at the hospital, which got here in this mess. We begin to see Amanda ain’t quite (cough) stable. We find out she has killed needlessly and rigs her traps to be unwinnable on purpose. At the end she flips and suddenly all these lives are in Amanda’s hands for Jigsaw’s true finale…

Saw 3 would have been a fine end to a damn trilogy. Again the traps were memorable and cool; the angel and crucifix traps stick in my mind a lot. I felt for Jeff and was actually invested in his journey and actually felt for some of the accused too. I liked Amanda as a imperfect apprentice and the relation between her and John has it’s weirdly Star Wars moments. To me, it feels a little longer than it should and the color textures and set design of the series start to get on my nerves a bit, but if it was a TRILOGY I could ignore it. Sadly no. Overall, stop at 3.

The ultimate anti-thesis to Michael Myers and the suspenseful bloodless Halloween, we get Friday the 13th by the writer of Last House on the Left, Sean Cunningham. It’s bloody, it’s goofy, and had Kevin fucking Bacon getting killed by that nice lady who was on Murder She Wrote a couple times. What more can you really ask for, on top of having your effects done by the legendary Tom Savini at that; what more could you ask for?

Gather round young people while Uncle Torsten tells you all the story of Camp Blood- and trust me, it’s in every damn Friday movie all the way down the line: long ago a young boy drowned at Camp Crystal Lake. His name was Jason. He was swimming out by himself, alone and drowned. The counselors were off boning each other while he drowned. The Camp shut down for many years until someone bought it and here’s where we begin. We have a group of young adult counselors that come early to set up. Ok, I can’t remember any of there names but I know a mysterious creepy fuck kills them one by one. One gets a ax to the face, another gets a pencil through the eye, and Kevin Bacon’s impressive death where he gets an arrow through his neck from under the bed. When were down to one girl left, nice old Betsy Palmer comes along. I’m saying this now, she is amazing as Pamela Voorhees, the deceased Jason’s distraught mother. She reveals that she’s the killer in revenge for poor Jason and that she is batshit insane. The girl fights Betsy and with some crappy slow motion, gets her head hacked off by a machete. The girl is off in a canoe, going merrily down the lake when Jason’s corpse springs out of the water and gets her!…but it was a dream. Oops.

Friday the 13th is a fun slasher movie that started a pop culture phenomenon and set the slasher standard for the modern day. The first is probably my favorite of the series. I had a few good laughs with the counselors whacky antics and Crazy Ralph spurting nonsense about the death curse of Crystal Lake. The kills are cool and memorably gory. Again, Betsy Palmer steals the show in such a small amount of screen time, being, sweet, crazy, and threatening all at once. I wouldn’t call it scary as much as a good party movie with friends. As always thank you and keep tuning in as I go through the whole saga of Jason Voorhees for our little Halloween special.

So Saw became a hit and of course we got a sequel, this time directed by Darren Lynn Bousmann who a couple years later would direct one of my favorite movies ever, Repo The Genetic Opera. Bousmann would do Saw 2-4.

Saw 2 picks up with detective Eric Matthews (no relation to Boy meets World, and yes I hear that question a bit if it’s the same guy. No.) investigating the Jigsaw killings with his team. Right off the bat we see his life is in shambles, broke, alone and his son Daniel hates his ass. He’s bitter with a violent temper. Suddenly his son goes missing when Matthews gets a huge break in the case; him and his team crack down on Jigsaw’s location and come by dying John Kramer, Jigsaw in the flesh. The cops quickly discover the means of Jigsaw’s game when they see the videos of a group of people trapped in a house full of nerve gas and horrific traps guarding the antidotes that will keep them alive. Daniel is among the group, and Amanda, original survivor of Jigsaw. Game is simple, Matthews just has to talk to John and he’ll find his son. We learn why John is dying and where his obsession of making people appreciate life comes from while were asked “What’s the cure for cancer?”…and in the end, we find his answer of immortality through his apprentice (I won’t spoil it until Saw 3 review).

I’d say Saw 2 is the last of the great Saw films, but even then I can see the flaws of the series beginning to show. Saw 2 is much gorier and the traps remain interesting and startling but I cared way less about the people going into them. Messed up part is, the only character I actually sympathized with and actually rooted for was Jigsaw. Matthews was a dick most of the time and seriously, all the stupid bastard had to do is talk. And he fucked it up, which becomes a common thread. Jigsaw talks, no one listens. At least here it’s a little vague, where in 5 Jigsaw’s instructions are so ridiculously blunt you almost want to jump into a deathtrap to avoid the stupidity. Saw 2 is a fine sequel. Thank you for joining and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

I feel I had to talk about the second huge horror phenomenon of my youth, The Blair Witch Project… well, how about in the same breath I talk about the sequel that most people hated but it was my favorite of the three.

Blair Witch 2 takes place few months after the movie for Blair Witch Project comes out and the world is taken by storm. Going on the film being real, people flock to Burkittsville Maryland to quench there thirst for Blair Witch lore. Our main characters Jeff, Kim, Stephen, Tristan, and Erika are part of a tour going through the woods. It’s lead by Jeff, who in the beginning we learn spent some time in the funny farm. Kim is the goth chick that may or may not psychic shit going on. Stephen and Tristan are writing a Blair Witch; Tristan is pregnant as hell. Erika is an actual wichan. So they go into the woods and scare some other people away from there shit. They drink and smoke some grass and…ORGY! Tristan has a really warped dream that leads to her miscarriage; snow of there destroyed book twirl around them in the morning and Jeff’s tapes are found in under the remnants of a old wall. No one has any idea what happened. They go to Jeff’s loft with the tapes and try to figure out what the hell happened. Meanwhile, they are being haunted by strange, creepy things they bring back with them and by the end it makes us ask if the witch was real or these fuckers were just crazy…

As horror sequels go, it’s really not bad. The score and some of the imagery mash really well together. Tristan’s dream of drowning the baby, the drowned rotted girl walking backwards, some of the video shit is legitimately creepy. What hurts the movie is sometimes the acting can be goofy and a couple of times the scares seem to backfire and crap on itself, like the electric chair flash. A cool feature is the little video at the very end that tells you about the hidden stuff in the movie with the clues where to find it later. As I said in my list of 5 fun horror sequels, me and my oldest friend had a lot of fun with it as kids but there’s some creepy parts with it. As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Anyone want to play a game as I dig into the Saw movies per Savior’s request? No, well shit. Saw is a crazy huge modern low budget that spawned eight movies, two video games, and arguably the film that helped kick off the “gorno”  phase of horror films in the early-mid 2000’s.

Saw is the story of Dr Lawrence Gordon and a dude named Adam who wake up chained by a foot in a dingy bathroom with a dead body, a few strange clues, and a hack saw and are basically left to piece together what’s going on. Gordon recounts the stories he’s heard of the “Jigsaw Killer”, this killer that drops people into deranged and disturbing deathtraps they have to overcome or die. The most famous example of this is the first survivor we encounter, Amanda. A druggie, she awakens with with a strong, rusty metal contraption wired into her mouth that will pretty much break her head apart like a reverse bear trap; her salvation rest in the stomach of her past cellmate and with a a couple minutes to decide she has to cut him open to get the key before dying. We also join two cops on Jigsaw’s trail as they question Gordon, sure he is the culprit. Another player in this game takes Gordon’s family hostage and it is him left with the saw and the choice, how far will he go to survive?

Saw, as a standalone film is pretty solid. It was one of the earliest, if not the first movie James Wan ever did, and you can tell the man who would later give us the modern classics Insidious and The Conjuring has talent; he is one of my favorite directors today. Stylistically it’s interesting. The traps are interesting and actually pretty realistic which adds to the creep factor. Tobin Bell’s voice is iconic now for Jigsaw and the first time you hear his voice with the puppet it’s fucking creepy, I can’t lie. The ending of the movie is actually pretty cleaver and punctuated perfectly by a great score. The only real flaw I can say is sometimes it feels slow and essentially, yes half of the movie is two dudes talking in a filthy bathroom.  I’d recommend it. Thank you as always and may the gaming gods bring you glory.