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House of Wax (05)

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Warning, though named after the Vincent Price classic, there is pretty much nothing relating the two.House of Wax was a eerie, gothic tale of obsession and revenge staring a legendary actor…the remake has Sam from Supernatural and Paris Hilton. Yep.

So we get group of stereotypical horror kids going somewhere (who the hell cares where), partying all the way. So pretty much the car breaks down in the woods and a couple of the kids have to look for help, first from a creepy redneck who takes them to an abandoned town with an ancient wax museum in the middle. It becomes clear what people are in the town are waxed over corpses and there’s a deformed wax faced killer running around.

House of Wax the remake is simply ass. It’s not so bad it’s good, it’s just lame. It tries to use the killer’s backstory of an abused childhood to be edgy but it’s just annoying. The characters are stock as hell and nothing really stands out about the movie at all. You can forget this remake and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Breaking Dawn

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So with Let the Right One In I basically concluded my best part of this little best/worst of vampires segment. So with worsts including Twilight , New Moon , and Eclipse it’s damn obvious the final segment would of course be Breaking Dawn (or Breaking Dump as I used to call it). Well, in one fell swoop, Breaking Damn killed my fandom and freed me to better things, but why the hate?

So basically Bella and Edward are getting married and there happy ever ending is just around the corner. The wedding comes and all the background characters you barely remember and pretty much meant jack shit to the series gather, except Jacob who shows up to dance with Bella, be emo, and go away. So Edward takes Bella to a tropical island the Cullens own for there honeymoon (sure, why not.) They finally get freaky and Edward damn near breaks her in half, but she’s still into it. Well, somehow, though Edward has been dead for about a century, he somehow knocks up Bella with a freak, psychic hybrid baby that is killing her. She wants this baby, even though she has to drink blood to feed the kid in her stomach. The werewolves see this act as treachery to the pact with the Cullens and so they decide to forcefully attack them so they can kill Bella; Jacob ain’t about this shit so he splits with a couple friends and makes his own pack. After a whole lot of waiting for nothing, Bella gives birth to daughter ReneeEsme and Edward makes her a vampire. Instead of something dark and interesting, Bella is able to just ignore her kill instincts and just crunch on animals, she’s able to keep her family near and no one notices she sparkles and has red eyes now cuz that’s a thing. But hey, the Volturi are coming to kill the baby because it’s an abomination- an abomination Jacob imprints on and falls eternally in love with (eww) and so Bella has to gather witnesses to prove the kid ain’t dangerous and master the lamest power of all time just to talk to these bastards the end!

Normally I’m against spoiling but damn this book. It’s around 800 pages and essentially there’s no gravity as a last installment of a already weightless series. By now, you know no one’s life is really at stake and literally most of this book is nothing but talk. The characters are just as dumb as before, only this time there’s a lot of logic gaps and padding. I actually threw the book at the window after I finished it. I avoided the movies like the plague and I hope Twilight 5 never comes to fruition. May the gaming gods bring you glory and may you never experience the boring horror of Breaking Dawn.

Let the Right One In

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So, it’s been forever since my last edition of my best/ worst of vampires; the previous three entries for the best were Dracula , Salem’s Lot , and Hellsing Ultimate and here we get to the fourth entry on the list. Savior covered the American adaptation of the movie, Let Me In (2010) so I’m basically going to stick to the book.

Oskar is a lonely kid. His parents are divorced, there’s only one person he can loosely call a friend, he’s chubby, and he get’s bullied a lot. He has a morbid fascination with murder and killers to a unhealthy degree. One late night, he slips out of his house to a peculiar site. A little pale girl, barely clothed for winter alone with a Rubix cube. This quiet girl is Eli (pronounced E-lee), who moved into the apartment complex with her “dad” next to Oskar. Life becomes interesting for Oskar, as he becomes fascinated and close to Eli though she pushes him away because she’s “sick” and it just so happens a brutal killer is running around town, draining there victims of blood. Oskar realizes Eli doesn’t go out in the day, her appearance changes in correspondence to the killings, and her “dad” looks nothing like her. Part of a darker set of truths about Eli is she is a vampire; can Oskar accept Eli, even if it puts them both in danger?

This is perhaps one of, if not my favorite vampire story. This story was unusual in a lot of different ways and pretty refreshing. Being a vampire in this world is pretty torturous and I was able to feel the character’s pain which is a rare feat for me in literature. There’s a lot of twists that come I don’t want to spoil regarding Eli’s identity but I can say it adds to what this book does best, introduce some really dark real life topics with fictional making them feel more real. If you want a real down to earth and gritty vampire story that also says volumes on real friendship, I’d seriously recommend this book. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

American Horror Story: Hotel

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When I heard the theme for the 5th season of American Horror Story was going to be Hotel, I was kind of skeptic. Like many, you think of hotels and horror, you automatically think of The Shining . Of course there’s tiny hints to it, but of the series I found this the most surprising.

The Hotel Cortez- old, beautiful, full of years and majestic charm and dark history . The founder, a suave killer whose actions influenced years of real life horror, ghosts of sad souls lurking the house ( not to mention a mattress) , and the current appetite of the seductive Countess that runs the hotel. As a family discovers, once you check in, there’s almost no checking out from the Hotel Cortez- and it’s bundled history…

Hotel, as I said, is full of surprise. First, I was skeptical of Lady Gaga heading g this season instead of series veteran Jessica Lange but damn I give her props for her portrayal of the Countess. Wes Bentley also turned areally good performance as a detective losing his mind trying to find his missing child. There’s twists I found d smart and one I found to be one my favorite of the series- I don’t want to spoil it. The performances and scenery are great. I’d definitely suggest it to newcomers as it flows well and the characters are cool. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

South Park: Bring on the Crunch DLC

south park dlc 2 A couple weeks ago I reviewed the trailer for South Park: Bring the Crunch DLC trailer and about a week ago I jumped on the opportunity. The price is $11.99 on PSN which is a little steep but overall feels pretty worth it. We venture off to Lake Tardicaca, a summer camp for the special needs kids of South Park but there’s mischief afoot, so we join Dr Timothy (Timmy), FastPass (Jimmy) , Prof Chaos (Butters), and a new hero, Mint-Berry Crunch as you summon the powers of the Final Girl class and take down monsters and aliens in a nefarious plot.

There is a lot of fun to be had but I had a issue with it. The Final Girl class is Op as hell and easy enough to pick up. For the horror crowd, there’s a lot of great Easter Eggs you’ll enjoy. The only problem I had was the amount of environmental puzzles that they are. A couple of them really irritated the living shit out of me. Mint-Berry Crunch is a epic partner once you learn how to use his abilities. In the end, the Bring the Crunch DLC is a fun time I recommend for horror or fans of South Park: The Fractured But Whole and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

House of Wax

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House of Wax was way beyond it’s time and let’s be honest, Vincent Price was spectacular in basically every movie he was in. He’ll always be my favorite classic actor and this is why…

House of Wax stars Vincent Price as a famous and talented wax sculptor who looses everything in what appears to be accident that burns down his studio, destroys his hands, and destroys his beautiful works, including his beloved Marie Antoinette. Years later, he resurfaces with a new studio. He’s confined to a wheelchair and his hands are horribly burnt but with the help of his assistant Igor, he opens a museum of torture with wax. But while his life gets back on track, a deformed killer stalks the gothic streets, talking the bodies after he’s done. Everyone joyously remarks how the wax sculptures look so lifelike, is it just a coincedence or something darker?

For a movie so old, it still openly gives me the creeps and I love it. Price steals the show, being sympathetic while being menacing and crazy at the same time. I love the creepy atmosphere and booming score. The other characters are solid and the time period adds to it. While not showy, the effects are pretty damn ahead of there time. It’s a classic and I’d recommend it for a old school horror fan. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Wait until Dark

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A lot of times, the best horror movies are the simplest ideas of all; in the convoluted age of today I can admire that more than ever. Wait until Dark is about a trio of criminals who lose a doll stuffed with a lot of heroin and it ends ups in the hands of a blind woman and her husband by total accident. The leader of the group takes advantage of the woman’s disability, invading there basement apartment, even going so far as to have one of his guys impersonate a police officer to try to buy them time to search for it. It’s up to Susie to uncover the mystery around her and survive with a cold blooded killer unseen in her midst.

Would I call Wait Until Dark a horror movie per say? No. I’d say a damn good suspense thriller, but not quite a horror movie. Strangely enough a lot of the movie and it’s tension revolves around how sweet and vulnerable Audrey Hepburn is; her charm hooks you almost immediately and from the get go your heart pounds when she’s in danger. Alan Arkin plays a good villain, charismatic and menacing. Like Misery , the entire movie pretty much takes place in a small, cramp space. The movie is filmed really well and has a solid score. If you’re interested in watching an older film and want a genuinely good thriller, I’d recommend it. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Zombie ( or Zombi 2)

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Once upon a time, there was a dude named Lucio Fulchi; you may remember him if you caught my post of 5 great foreign horror films Well, he wasn’t a fan of the now late George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead and he took it upon himself to make his own version in a way. In a tragic, hilariously ironic kind of way, I relate to this all too well.

So we get a Dr on a beautiful tropical island who despite the protests of the native villagers has found a means to resurrect the dead. But hey, he quickly figures out a gunshot to the head brings them down quick so no huge deal right? Well, it becomes a problem when one of these undead bastards kills a ship full of people and well…we do get to see a zombie fight a damn shark, and that alone kicks ass. A reporter and the daughter of one of the murdered people trace this weird happening back to the island where the Dr is losing control of the growing horde, losing his wife in the process. Can this group of people make it off the island alive?

Zombie may not have the most original plot or memorable characters, but it’s a damn good zombie movie, despite the dubbing at times. The zombies themselves are some of my all time favorites and the musical score compliments them perfectly. There’s a lot of blood and boobs for the low brow crowd but there’s also a surprising amount of suspense and some damn fine camera work. The wife’s death is horrifically masterful and gruesome to watch. If you love zombies and want to see zombies be zombies, this is the flick for you. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Suspiria remake trailer 2

A few days ago we got a new trailer for Suspiria 2018. Suspiria 2018 trailer 1 told me right off the bat we were getting a much different kind of take on it. Seeing this more in depth trailer, I almost get a Kubrick- Shining/ Insidious vibe from it. The original always made me think of a children’s storybook because of the vibrant colors; 2018’s seems dulled down a lot by comparison. Still, the trailer enticed me and I’ve got faith it will be good on it’s own merit. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

American Horror Story: Freakshow

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Ok, before we begin, I’m going to admit I have a bias with certain topics in fiction. I have a fascination with deformations, mutations, and for a lack of a better word, freaks. I also have an affinity for the 50’s, the fashion, the clean squeaky facade of the time. The fourth American Horror Story is my favorite of the series.

The story revolves, as the title suggests, a traveling freak show in Florida during the 50’s lead by a wannabe singer Elsa Mars.We got a bearded lady, a lady with 3 boobs, a tiny woman, two “pinheads”, a telepathic two headed woman, and a boy with ” lobster claws” as well as others. Times are tough as TV is beginning to take over and live acts are fading away. Outside the show, they do face adversity from the towns people, especially when people start turning up dead, especially kids. The town turns on the freaks, as there numbers are infiltrated by a pair of con artists who plan on selling there corpses to a different kind of side show. If all this wasn’t enough, a rich pretty boy with some psychotic tendencies falls madly in love with the two headed woman and gets a little too in love with the freakshow…

Besides my already personal bias towards the subject matter, I love all the plots at play in this season. Stylistically, from the music, clothes, and even the covers of modern day music felt really time appropriate which was awesome. I can’t really say who stood out to me, because I thought everyone did a great job. The biggest surprise I got was Neil Patrick Harris as a disturbed ventriloquist, that was awesome. The clown design freaked me the hell out. Freakshow, to me, is a good blend of horror and drama with some good music thrown in and I highly recommend it. May the gaming gods bring you glory.