Category: Movie Review

Saw 3-D: The Final Chapter

saw7

Ok, elephant out of the room, the title is a bullshit lie because this Halloween we get Saw 8. I know I said I gave up on Saw and for all intents and purposes I did. So why did I go see Saw 7 in theaters with no one in there but me? Because I had to know how full of shit the “Final Chapter” promise was this time.

So Jill is trying to hide and cover her ass from a scarred and pissed off Hoffman. Hoffman goes on a killing spree, killing the feds trying to catch him. Meanwhile, we finally get a answer to the series biggest question- what the hell happened to Dr. Gordon? Well, we learn there’s a support group for the survivors of Jigsaw and Gordon emerges among them.  Bobby Dagen is the spokesman for this group, a motivational speaker who claims to have survived Jigsaw. Well, he’s full of shit. And here we get the final gauntlet of gore and bullshit…in 3D. Ok I’m going to spoil this: Gordon made a cult out of the survivors who leave Hoffman chained up and alone to die like Gordon was supposed to.

This movie is the epitome of a stereotypical Saw movie: it’s gory, pretends to clever and complex but just is convoluted and pointless but somehow enjoyable. A part of it comes from the whacky 3-D moments. Overall, if you sat through the rest, sit through this because for me and the Saw series, Game Over.

 

13 demons (2016)

Ever play Dungeons and Dragons? Ever try it on a bad acid trip? Well I have not done either of those things, but I imagine doing that is how this movie came into creation. And I would like to thank the crazy bastard that did it.

Seriously this movie is weird but in a fun way. Three friends discover a board game that someone (they never really go into detail on who) banned years ago. Why? People playing it got really into it and killed people.

It starts off innocent enough. The three friends place their pieces, read from a book and roll their dice and move their little figures. There is nothing all that weird at this point.

The three seem to fall asleep, have some weird dreams and wake up a little confused at the game board. After a few moments get their bearings and go back to playing. Now as the game goes on they start seeming to hallucinate. A little further in and not only are they hallucinating they are leaving the apartment dressing up with pots and pans and make shift armor and killing people, tho admittedly they believe they are killing demons and wearing actual armor with real mystical weapons.

As the movie goes on you see one of the three die in a fight with a guy at a garage. But that isn’t weird its expected. The odd part is later they start using powers to roll the dice and move the pieces. The book they once read from is now gone entirely and they speak as if they are new people unaware of anything else but their quest.

After they kill 12 “demons” each they have a 13th demon to kill. Each other. Small problem tho, the cops have caught them and they are now locked in separate interrogation rooms. I won’t ruin this closing scene on you but this alone was worth watching for me. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

Picking up where the first Cabin Fever left off with Shawn Hunter..ok the guy who played him playing someone else, getting hit by a school bus. The worlds worst cop returns to brag about the time a moose got hit by a car and ended up in a lady’s front seat and swears up and down the bus hit a moose not a person.

Yea that is basically how this movie is going to go. From here the movie basically turns into the usual high school drama movie except one of the students is also a stripper. Who also in the worlds weirdest revenge plot gives a nerd a blow job in the school bathroom…maybe not quite the usual high school drama stuff.

As prom night gets closer the worlds worst cop starts to figure out that maybe the illness is spreading and tracks down a water truck shipment.

Honestly I am going to skip ahead. As entertaining as the movie is at times most of the details are pretty par for the course. Nothing is all that new until prom, so lets go there.

Here we are. Prom night. After a small fight it turn out some group I can only assume is the CDC shows up with guns, locks the doors and begins to toss in tear gas and begins to kill every living person they can find. As our main characters try to escape more and more people are killed.

The end of this movie is an actual blood bath. There is blood and death everywhere. And of course 1 person once again escapes. I can’t say the movie is good, but it is fun. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

It comes at night

it comes at night

It comes at night was a strange instance where the trailer was misleading as hell but the poster kinda tells you more than any trailer did. The trailers made me think I was going to get something like a zombie movie or maybe a tripped out torture flick, but if I had to categorize it, I’d say it’s kinda like the Shining on Meth.

The story centers around a interracial family of father Paul, wife Sarah, and 17 year old son Travis living in their house in the woods after some kind of viral outbreak occurred. We never learn what the virus does, where it comes from, how it spreads, or even the magnitude of the outbreak. All we really know it’s highly contagious and you get purplish-gray welts and get really pale. Paul and Travis take Sarah’s father outside after he contracts the disease and execute him, burning his body after. Later that night, there’s an intruder. Paul wounds him, and takes him into the woods to interrogate him. After a tense discussion and questioning, we discover the man’s name is Will and he wanted food and supplies for his starving family, wife Kim and young son Andrew. These families join together and for a while live in harmony, but tensions begin to build as they cling to themselves and there fears beyond the red door…

I’ve seen the reviews, more scatter-fucked than shotgun pellets flying off of a tilt-a-whirl. Some love this movie, some hate it. I loved it but I really wouldn’t debate anyone who said it sucked. Joel Edgerton gave a great performance as Paul, and the chemistry between everyone is fluid and genuine. I love how quiet, and isolated it is; I absolutely love the ambiguity and the tense fear that escalates from isolation and paranoia. Seriously, don’t watch the trailers. Overall, I loved this movie but I only recommend it if you enjoy slow, suspense driven films; stay away if you’re looking for a action packed gorefest. As always thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Cube (1997)

So I’m on twitter the other day and this guy I occasionally talk to informed me this 1997 classic..yea I say classic its 20 years old,is now on Netflix. (I will get to the other movie when I have time to read a movie)

Cube is essentially the movie that started the whole Saw movie thing. Don’t believe me? Go watch it. Or just read the general plot.

The movie starts off with people waking up not knowing where they are, with people they don’t know. Quickly they discover they are free to roam their general area but must find a way out of the building they are in. The building is square rooms, that all look basically the same of various colors with numbers near all the hatch doors.

I am sure you are wondering where the Saw part comes in. Well certain rooms have various traps set up to kill you, for example one of the escape experts gets his face burned off with a sort of acid spray.

Yes I did say escape expert. There is also an ex cop, a doctor what can only be described as an idiot savant and an office worker that designed the shell of the cube itself.

Added to all this is their struggle to decipher the connection between the traps and the numbers between rooms and how to get out of this death trap. It isn’t hard to see how this could be the father of the Saw movies, best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Haunting Of Whaley House (2013)

First thing first. I don’t want to waste any ones time. If you aren’t a fan of really slow movies that won’t get interesting until later, skip this movie. It wasn’t until around the hour mark the movie was anything much more than people standing around a haunted house.

With that out of the way, Penny takes a job at the Whaley House, the most haunted house in America. After some weird day at work and telling her friends they get excited and convince her to use her key to enter the house at night for a ghost hunt.

Yea I know, this is why friends are a bad idea. Anyway after calling a cousin with some ghost hunting equipment whom brings a pretty famous psychic and away we go….

Ok honestly at this point they mostly wonder around the house talking about ghost related stuff like cold spots and vortexes.

A bit later it gets a little more exciting and the ghost do more things and it really gets into the lore and back story of why this haunted house is even haunted in the first place. By all means if you like a good movie with some build up check this movie out, but I realise many of you like more excitement. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003)

What happens when a bus full of jocks, a few cheerleaders and a couple nerds get trapped on a bus with a demon type monster attacking it? Watch this movie to find out.

The movie starts on a farm with a father, his older teen son and his young son doing some work. The young son discovers one of the scare crows he was hanging wasn’t a scare crow at all. Of course every 23 springs for 23 days it can eat and humans are the main course.

After the young farm boy, our high school jocks are next. First the coach, then the bus driver, then the assistant coach.

Every so often we switch back to the dad building something in the barn, just hammering away with no clear indication as to what it is. I mention this because the pissed off farmer and his son are important later.

After awhile of being tormented and the bus being flipped and some implied racism the teens are forced to make a run for it. A few are picked off by the demon until eventually our farmer hero arrives in his trusty pick up being driven by his son. What was dad building? A modified stake driver to throw harpoons. The final battle is on. Who wins and who loses? Truthfully the people watching the movie win. A fun movie with some deep thoughts and some nice action scenes. One that is absolutely worth checking out if you have the option. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

This movie has a special place in my heart. Not because I love the movie, tho it is a good one. The sound is nice the acting is solid and the visuals are good. No, see my ex wife ( Hello ex wife) used to be find the song really creepy. You know the one. “Jeepers, creepers where’d you get those peepers”..any way i’d watch the movie and creep around the house singing the song just to freak her out….also you probably understand why she is the ex wife.

Jeepers Creepers is the story of a demon/devil sort of monster that terrorizes a highway harvesting humans for body parts it needs to survive and may be one of the most under rated horror movies of the early 2000-2010 decade. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Saw 6

saw 6

So I already covered 5 a long time ago, but those of you that forget, here’s a brief recap: I hated that piece of armadillo shit. So why did you watch Saw 6, Torsten, you may be wondering? Well, why the hell do we climb mountains? Because they’re freaking there that’s why.

So Hoffman is Jigsaw now and the feds are starting to barrel down on his ass, the only accomplice left is Jill, John’s ex wife. Little does he know, Jill is there to discreetly take Hoffman down, because like Amanda, Hoffman is simply murdering people. Our main protagonist is a health insurance executive that must go through yet another Jigsaw gauntlet in order to learn a lesson. At the end, Jill subdues Hoffman, priming him for the kill by locking him in a rickety chair with the famed bear trap on his head; but the chair breaks and Hoffman escapes, scarred and pissed off.

Saw 6 isn’t bad but it’s goofy. The acting and gore is pretty laughably over the top at times; the story of how the series comes together becomes more and more convoluted each entry to where you stop caring by either 5 or 6. It’s got some fair social commentary on the healthcare system but in the end, the movie is just meh. As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

5 remakes that went and pissed me off

Well, I talked about the good, here comes the dung parade, 5 of the crappiest horror remakes that ruined them for everyone, that took great movies and took a massive dump on them. In no particular order, let’s begin with a movie I watched instead of going to prom…

prom nite 1. Prom Night- yep, this was my real life prom experience, watching this gaudy dog turd. First sign something wasn’t right- a Pg-13 remake of a R rated movie. We get all the preppy teen drama of a crappy teen movie and no gore of a tension-less slasher pic where the killer is a dude in a baseball cap and sport coat. Shit, I shoulda just went to prom.

haunted hill 99 2. House on Haunted Hill- This hurt a little less than the next one but it hurt pretty damn hard. Vincent Price was a legend…having some dude with a pornstar stash pretending to be Vincent Price was infuriating. I remember watching it with my parents as a kid, loving the original, and thinking this movie was stupid.

house of wax 05 3. House of wax- oh this pissed me off. Turning a perverse, eerie classic staring on of the greatest horror icons of all time into a lame ass Friday the 13th knock off with famous cover celebs to play the “Teens”. And the house of wax has little to jack shit to do with the actual movie. Plus, Paris Hilton is a main character…enough said.

elm street 010 4. A Nightmare on Elm Street- you know that saying “if everyone else jumped off of a cliff, would you jump too?”. Well, they sure as hell did. Lame effects, a miscast Freddy, and a really crappy “was Freddy actually innocent?” side plot that turns out bogus anyway killed this remake. The scariest part is wasn’t a dream, it’s real.

halloween 07 5. Halloween- It’s rare when a remake misses the point of the original so badly as Rob Zombie did Halloween. There are no likable characters, Michael Myers’s is no longer an enigma but rather a “no shit” scenario why he turned, and Zombie’s usual penchant for vulgarity, brutality, and gross porn dialogue kill a simple classic. Granted, there are a couple things I like about the remake but still doesn’t assuage the pain of this crapper.

As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.