Independence Day

id4 So funny story, my dad took me to the opening weekend of Independence Day back in 96, and well to this day it’s the only movie to ever scare me so much we had to leave the theater. I was six.

Anyway,  Independence Day is the story of aliens invading Earth over the course of a few days leading up into a battle for Earth on Independence Day. What much more can I  say? It was Will Smith’s breakthrough role into movies; Jeff Goldblum is quirky and likable; Bill Pullman deliveries one of cinema’s greatest speeches of all time. Watching the destruction pieces blew my mind as a kid, and may I say a lot of the effects hold up well to this day. What scared the shit out of me was the alien autopsy scene, the slow tension of the doctors peeling back the layers of skin, revealing the fetal, glassy eyed creature under it’s leathery, tough exterior. Overall, Independence Day is a fun movie that while cheesy, isn’t ridiculous. Check it out this fourth of July before the aliens come for us all.

All Cheerleders Die

all cheer. die

Directed by Lucky McKee and Chris Sivertson All Cheerleaders Die is a movie about, well cheerleaders. Look i won’t lie to you people, basically i hop o Netflix or Hulu, pick a random movie in the horror genre and watch it. Sometimes I sit down with my laptop, get some writing done or work on my game and enjoy a movie. Other times I end up watching shit like All cheerleaders die. I didn’t pay for this but i still want my money back. The first 30 minutes or so is bitchy but hot cheerleaders going about their lives of back stabbing and being a dick to the less popular kids. The only bright sides or the chicks are pretty odd and at least a few of them are lesbians together. There isn’t a lot of nudity but it would be inappropriate for minors. Shortly after the 30 minute mark  a football player has enough of  a cheerleader berating him in front of everyone and punches her which results in a car chase and a car full of cheerleaders seemingly dead. After some accidental witch craft with some magical rocks the girls are back and that is around the time all sorts of weird shit happens. 2 girls switch bodies,people start dieng and i’m not sure if they are zombies or what the hell is going on,they definitely eat a  dude, well steal his life force or maybe both? Movie is weird. Seriously don’t watch it, or at least be drunk. As always thanks for coming and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

 

The Lego Batman Movie

lbm  I gotta say this was a weird turnaround, watching the grim and bloody Logan to popping in fun and campy Lego Batman in the same night. Essentially Lego Batman is the story of asshole Batman who has to learn it’s ok to need people, even his villains, and it’s ok to open your heart and accept people care about you. First, I gotta give a huge round of applause to the animators of this movie because holy shit it was cool to watch. It was epic how fluid Legos could actually be. Alot of this movie”s humor wasn’t for me per say but I loved how many jokes there were regarding all of the pre-existing Batman films, and the awesome password to the Batcave. Zach Galifinakis is indeed a better Joker than Jared Leto; sorry bro. The climax is pretty sweet where Joker unleashes a army of our most well known, dastardly bad guys from the Phantom Zone Like Voldemort, Sauron, King Kong, The Krakken from the original Clash of the Titans, and even the damn raptors from Jurassic Park. My favorite laugh involved Adam West’s shark repel-ant and Jaws. The cameos are impressive. It’s a fun, energetic movie that’s a fun way to keep you and your kids entertained for a couple hours.

Logan

logan It took 17 years but we finally got our R-rated Wolverine movie and they did save the best for last. Logan, adapted from the popular story Old Man Logan, is the story of an ancient, weathered Wolverine in a world where the x-men are no more and mutant-kind is on the brink of complete extinction. He lives in the Mexican desert, caring for a diseased Professor X who is suffering from erratic seizures that can be deadly not just for him but everyone around him. Logan is no longer the spry killing machine we’ve come to known him as the past 17 years but a angry drunk whose incredible regenerative ability is now almost nonexistent as we see him with unhealed scars all over his body, puss bubbling over his knuckles- a chore to even draw the claws we’ve all come to know and love, and even his sight is beginning to fade when we see him wearing glasses to read. One day a woman finds him, offering him a huge sum of money to take her and her “daughter” across the US to a place referred to as Eden. He refused and is immediately questioned by the Reavers, a group of cyberneticly enhanced men tasked with hunting down the last mutants. Wolverine goes to confront the woman only to find her dead, with just her daughter left. Professor X urges Logan to take her with them, that she was the mutant he’d been communicating with. Her name is Laura, at first mute and peculiar. Soon Logan discovers how when she shows her own metal claws, two protruding from each hand and two from each foot, along with a very similar regenerative capability; she is clone born to be a Reaver weapon in there dark plot to have the ultimate mutant weapon. So it’s up to Logan and Prof X to deliver her to Eden where she can be safe.

I’ve seen many reviews praising the hell out of Logan as a masterpiece; I wouldn’t go that far. It’s no way a bad movie. Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart deliver great, complex performances as a fitting finale to their iconic roles; the supporting cast is great but for me, the winner here was the R-rating. X-Men films in particular have been hindered if not damn near murdered by the obligatory Pg-13 superhero rating it took 2016’s Deadpool movie to break by showing not every movie with supers in it has to be for kids and can be succesful. Movies like The Wolverine, X-Men: Days of Future’s Past, and X-Men: Apocalypse  would have benefited much more from a R-rating, dealing with violent characters and dark themes; it was a pleasure to see the Wolverine I’ve always read about cleaving through people as a growling bad ass. <y problems with this movie is that it’s a 2 and a half hour movie that feels like 3. Also a question about what timeline is this story supposed to be taking place in comes to mind, is it the original timeline or the timeline from the very end of Days of Future Past or perhaps a new one considering the meta element of the X-men comics not only existing but playing a key role in the story? Also, I don’t hate the final boss of Logan as I HATED it at the end of the origins movie, but I couldn’t help but have that taste in my mouth resurface briefly, but thank god it was done much better than the movie no one should ever speak of. Overall, If you love Wolverine or like dark movies in general, I suggest it. Just please don’t think it’s a kids movie; if Logan’s a kids movie than Deadpool’s guest starring on Barney next week.

Hellraiser Movie review

hellraiser

Hellrsaiser is a classic Clive Barker movie, filled with gruesome deaths, the obligatory sex scene and of course, pinhead. Released in 1987, back when horror movies were the standard family movies into a house and all hell break loose and this is no exception.  The father is pretty much immune to common sense and the outcasted family member is the one that brings the evil into the house while the assumed virgin daughter is trying to find her way in the world. Once again the evil cheating wife is pretty much just there to push the story along. All that isn’t to say the movie is bad, its Clive barker, however it is very basic and cliche on every level imaginable. The visuals for their time are rather nice and the sound is pretty much on par with everything else in that time frame. Pinhead himself look pretty creepy and to this day isn’t the type you would want to run into even in broad daylight. When all is said and done, it is definitely a worthwhile horror flick if you like the 80’s movie genre or horror movies in general. As always thanks for joining me, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil Review

tcuker and dale

This movie is directed by Eli Craig and was written by him and Morgan Jurgenson. Now I try not to swear to much because I have no idea who reads this, but what the fuck were these two smoking when they wrote this? And I don’t mean that in a good way or bad way. it was a fun movie. The story goes like this, a group of college kids goes camping and happens to run into Tucker and Dale whom they find a bit creepy seeing as how they are pretty much hillbillys  and these are rich college kids. This is where a series of misunderstandings will result in a group of college kids attempting to rescue their friend that doesn’t need to be rescued resulting in even more coincidental and misunderstood deaths. Without giving to much away at one point a guy running from bees after accidentally hitting their nest with a chain saw will result in another guy running away and killing himself on a tree branch because he thinks he i being chased by a guy with a chainsaw. Now i know all of this sounds weird and convoluted, because it is. It somehow manages to come  are together as a pretty solid movie. I probably would be upset if i paid real money for this movie, but if you have Netflix i would check it out. Thanks for joining me, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Don’t Breathe

Don't Breathe A lesson from Torsten V and the makers of this movie: breaking and entering is a very bad idea. Also the general point of Don’t Breathe in general. I don’t have much to say about the movie’s plot except that besides the trailers giving you everything you need to know about the plot. Three petty thieves plan one seemingly easy last score by breaking into the home of a old, blind army vet who’s holding onto a fat settlement from the people who killed his daughter in a drunk driving accident. What was supposed to be a easy task turns into a live or die game of cat and mouse when they quickly discover this old man is extremely dangerous. He’s attuned to his other senses quite well, being a formidable shot with a 9MM and a brutal hand to hand combatant, along with one mean ass seeing-eye rottweiler. Besides a very disturbing revenge plot from the old man against the woman he’s holding captive in his basement, the same woman who killed his daughter, this cat and mouse is the bulk of the movie. It is paced well and the movie is overall good. Stephen Lange is great as the blind old man, a very good villain in his own right and damn right creepy once his true intentions are known. The suspense is good throughout most of the movie but the The ending overstays it welcome by going on an extra 5 minutes longer than it should have. My biggest gripe about it is that theirs alot of fake outs with the other male lead. With most horror movies, it’s acceptable and pretty much expect once, maybe twice. But I swear it happens four or five times with this poor bastard throughout the film, finally killing him with twenty minutes left and feeling kinda lackluster because it got annoying. Lange had his share of fake outs too but he’s the villain so I can cut the man some slack. Overall I liked it and loved the concept but I can’t say I’d own it but worth some netflix watchings in a dark room with a chickenshit friend

Green Lantern

gl1 Ugh, this one hurts like getting a snapping turtle shoved up my ass. I’m 98% sure this film is the reason Green Lantern won’t appear in the upcoming Justice League (JLA) movie this November even though he’s been in the Justice League since it’s original inception. Green Lantern- Jon Stewart in particular- is my second favorite DC hero. What I love is that unlike most comic book heroes, Green Lantern does not pertain to one singular person but several diverse characters: Hal Jordan, Jon Stewart, Guy Gardener, Kyle Raynor, Simon Baz, Killowog, Arsya, and hundreds of others in a universe full of rich lore. Ideally, Green Lantern could be an amazing film franchise; Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy films proved that there is a market for cosmic themed superhero films and can be well done. That being said, this movie has bright spots in my opinion both as a critic and a fan of the comics but what’s terrible murders this movie. The film follows the story of Hal Jordan, ace air force pilot and smart ass who is trying to live up to the memories of his father who died in a flight accident when he was a kid. One night, hes sees what he takes to be as a meteor crash or some kind of aircraft crash nearby him so he goes to investigate. He comes upon a mortally wounded purple alien named Abin-Sur, a great warrior of the Green Lantern Corps; he reveals to Hal that his ring guided him to him, so he can take his place. Hal takes the ring and Abin dies, before handing him his ring and a green lantern, instructing him to “speak the oath”. After he does he’s taken to planet Oa and brought into the Green Lantern Corps. The lanterns are intergalactic peacekeepers given rings forged from the concentrated willpower from throughout the universe with the ability to construct there thoughts into reality, fly, have access to knowledge collected from throughout the known universe, with the ability to travel in deep space. Hal discovers an ancient Entity of fear called Parallax was responsible for Abin’s death and has his sights set to destroy the Corps while being signaled by mad, mutated scientist Hector Hammond. So Hal has to face his fears and fight this seemingly unstoppable force and become the green lantern.

First, the positives. Overall, the acting is fairly good. Ryan Reynolds tries his ass off to pull the part of Jordan off. The supporting cast of the late Michael Clarke Duncan as Killowag, Geoffrey Rush as Toma ree, and Mark Strong as none other than Thaal Sinestro- one of DC’s most infamous villains ( which the after-cred scene reveals) are the best part of the movie. Problem is these actors would’ve shined but the script isn’t good. Its condensed to shit, the villain layout is wrong, and it tries way too hard to be other, more popular superhero flicks. The CGI is an atrocity, it’s everywhere and it shows; especially in Jordan’s costume and Parallax…and the race car. Oh the race car scene makes you want to drink.  I don’t recommend this movie if you want to learn about Green Lantern. Because of this movie, I rushed to find out more about the character. If you are interested in some epic lantern action I suggest Green Lantern: Secret origin by Geoff Johns or Blackest Night: Green Lantern. I’ll be covering some lantern books soon in the near future so stay tuned and let the gaming gods be with you all

 

 

 

Split

Split I’m not a huge Shyamalan fan; he reigned supreme at a time when gore, boobs, and bad language made a great movie to me…cut me some slack, I was 10. Like most, I’ve watched his descent into crap with The Happening and his awful adaptation of The Last Airbender and thought his time was over. From youtube, I heard a lot positive feedback on the movie he did prior to Split, The Visit, but still didn’t think much about it. When the trailers for Split started to drop, I became intrigued at the concept alone: three young women being held captive by Kevin, a man suffering from Split-Personality Disorder. Kevin’s mind is split into 23 personalities ranging from Hedwig- a playful 9 year old boy, Dennis- the rigid, disciplined captor repressing his sexual urges, Barry- the fashion loving face he shows his Psychiatrist, and Patricia- a stern companion to Dennis and fellow believer in “The Beast” that all 23 parts of Kevin fear, and soon will his captives. First, I command the astounding performance by James Mcavoy who plays Kevin. Each character he plays is unique and realistic; easily he’s a great villain but a sympathetic supporting character all at once. As for his doctor, who treats Kevin with the intent of proving people with  his condition can potentially lead to greater abilities, and Casey, the quiet of his captives with her own dark backstory. I didn’t find her friends memorable but not annoying; each tries to break free of Kevin’s grasp, proving Dennis and Patricia’s cunning and devotion to bringing forth the Beast. I don’t want to get deep into spoilers with this, it’s a movie that needs to seen and heard but I will say it has some thrilling moments, a great main character and a pretty epic post credit scene that links it to another Shyamalan classic.

Sinister

sinister  I’m bored to shit with possession films and even more fed up with found footage movies. What the hell is it with this decade and found footage ghost stories? BUT, though Sinister has the seeds of both of these genres, it fuses both of them into one creepy ass final product. From the opening credits were introduced to the messed up imagery of a family being hung from a tree, kicking away there last breaths while we hear the old Super 8 projector rolling. I immediately dropped the F bomb.  And oh this is just he beginning. Some of these later Super 8 reels are alarming as hell, but refreshingly not too gory. I ODed on pointless gore somewhere between Saw 5 an 6.

The story’s opening premise starts a little predictable. A once famous crime writer named Ettison, played by Ethan Hawke, moves into a house with his family where his latest book just so happened to have taken place- the family who got hung in the opening credits, and trying to uncover what happened to the daughter of the family. His family doesn’t know what happened in there new house but the town and family themselves don’t take very fondly to Ettison’s profession. His oldest son is teased at school for it, people glare at his wife, and the police try persuading him to pack up and leave. While in the attic, Ettison finds a box of old Super 8 reels, labeled like home movies and a small projector to play them on. Believing there is something to help with the case, he picks up the first reel titled “Hanging with the family.” and plays. At first it is a harmless family scene; then the hanging. Hes understandably alarmed. Scared even. He goes to call the police but stalls; wanting to see what else he can find, wanting the fame for solving his house’s dark past. One by one the videos get darker, more disturbing, each another happy family executed in some barbaric and elaborate scene. “Pool party” and “Lawn work” got me the worst. Because of the vintage way they are filmed, it gives these scenes a rough sort of snuff film kind of feel, as opposed to a Hollywood produced feel which makes them much creepier and believable. Ettison neglects his family throughout his obsession with these tapes and the mystery I don’t want to spoil because frankly the best way to enjoy this movie is go into it with a blank slate. Don’t watch the trailors and try to ignore the poster because the poster will spoil some things for you. I can say I expected a A to B ghost story, a Rip off of the Shining/Amityville Horror, or R-rated Insidious. Sinister is not any of these things thankfully. It’s a very subdued psychological/supernatural chiller about obsession, home movies, and the dangers of neglect. I seriously recommend catching it on net-flix or picking it up at your local Wal-mart for $5.

May the gaming gods help you if you find old home movies in your new house.