Slumber (2017)

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You guys know I don’t always like to say bad things about the things I review. So I will start with the good things. For starters, the acting was great. Alice Arnolds played her role amazing as did the rest of the cast.

That is it, I am done. If you came here for a positive review stop reading. I have nothing left positive to say. I am about to list why you should not watch this movie. For starters, the story of sleep paralysis has been done in other movies. Those movies have pretty much universally in my experience done it better. They all also pretty much involve the same story. A family goes to a sleep doctor that tries to convince them its all a normal occurrence, finds out it is a demon and tries to help and oh yea, has personal experience as a child that a member of their family had a similar issue. In this case it was her brother.

The demon in this case also isn’t even scary, it’s just a shadow that occasionally pushes people in what looks like a special effect straight out of the 70’s. It is very badly done.  Also it will sometimes lift them up almost exorcist style about a foot off the bed, also badly done. Most of the special effects are badly done. Oh, and I can’t forget to mention the tip off on the demon comes from a janitor that our main character knew was stealing sedatives from the hospital but she never said anything about because she is apparently a horrible doctor.

Now the ending. In the next paragraph I will spoil the ending. I will post a couple of pictures to break up this paragraph and the next paragraph. You have been warned, after the pictures I AM GOING TO SPOIL THE ENDING IN THE PARAGRAPH AFTER THE PICTURES, STOP READING NOW TO AVOID THIS, AND MAY THE GAMING GODS BRING YOU GLORY.

Ok seriously, last chance to avoid me ruining this ending…and here we go. The ending is god awful. Basically we get the family in a small country home where they attempt to save the families little boy, because despite the entire family being tormented by this demon the little boy is really hated by this thing. So they decide to send the daughter off with the sedative thief on a car ride to protect her while the rest stay behind to protect the boy, which hey fair strategy. During all this the demon mostly attacks the good doctor while everyone else is slowly driven off the deep end. He posses the sedative thief’s grandpa because he owns the house, I guess and he escaped him once before and delivers a sick headbutt to the good doctor and attempts to kill the boy. At the last second she grabs a kitchen knife and stabs him. Thats how they kill the demon, a damn kitchen knife through the heart of gramps, who tells her she did the right thing and now he can finally get a good nights sleep.

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You didn’t think that was the end did you? Oh no, we fast forward to a beautiful hotel room and a Skype call between the good doctor and her husband and daughter. Things are good they are playing a game things are grand. Until the lil one starts humming a lullaby, mom freaks out and hubby says he can’t do this anymore and the camera swings around as two guys in lab coats rush in and the big reveal is, she is now in the nut house. Yup a horrible kill scene for the demon and a horrible twist ending that wasn’t even needed that is meant to leave you wondering, is she there because she killed a man, or because she is obsessed with this demon and her job? Thanks for reading this long, so long, and may the gaming gods protect your slumber.

Red Sparrow

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Normally I don’t really like spy movies but I’ve heard such a strange spectrum of things about this movie I had to check it out. The trailers made me think it was going to be a boring piece of Oscar bait, I was slapped out of that delusion about twenty minutes in. I heard it was practically a Black Widow origin movie; not really but I get why some could think that. So why was I so into Red Sparrow?

Dominika is a promising Russian ballerina whose career is cut short after a accident leaves her leg scarred and broken. Desperate, failing to make ends meet and care for her sick mother, her uncle provides her a path. Aid the Russian Intelligence agency by getting close to a CIA man and search out a mole in the upper echelon of Russian government. Become a Sparrow, the perfect seductress to gather information, but Dominika quickly learns the horrors of the business as she sacrifices much of her humanity just to stay alive…

I was genuinely enthralled by this movie, because I couldn’t completely tell where Dominika’s allegiance lied until the end. Jennifer Lawrence is talented as hell, playing a cold, broken character that is somehow vulnerable and scared throughout. There is some really disturbing moments that are really well done but I don’t recommend the movie if you shock easy. The acting is really good but I warn you, while interesting, the movie feels long as hell. I recommend it if you want a different kind of spy thriller with great acting and some hard WTF moments. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

It’s a Disaster (2013)

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This is an interesting movie, basically a couples brunch gets pretty weird. One is a new couple, he a teacher, her the one that has a horrible taste in men. Another couple is forever engaged and twist, she won’t set a date. Watch the movie, you will understand why, seriously I wanted to punch this guy in the face. He is a paranoid conspiracy nut. We also have a couple that is, ok them I can’t explain without spoiling stuff.

The brunch actually starts pretty ok, until things aren’t ok. We find out the couple throwing this usual brunch are about to get divorced. So when the cable and stuff start going out it is assumed this is just a petty move to be vindictive. This is not the case however. What is actually going on is the our brunch happens to be taking place in the blast radius of chemical weapons. America has been attacked.

The weird part of all this? The movie is a comedy. Quite a decent one I might add. The movie isn’t amazing by any means, but it is worth a watch. There also some pretty good plat twist that I won’t spoil. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Predator, trailer 2

 

I came back on one hell of a good day; we got a really epic new trailer for the fourth Predator movie. I liked what I saw for the first The Predator, trailer 1 but I love the second trailer much more. The tone reminds me a lot of the first movie, including the crude joke on the bus. The Predators themselves look incredible. So far, I totally dig the story idea but as I stated in the last trailer review, I’m not a fan of the title of the movie but that’s just a weird hiccup from me. I’m excited as hell to see some badass action and some epic level gore this September, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Leprechaun in the Hood

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I love the Leprechaun movies, even 4 where he went to space. They’re fun trashy kind of horror you clearly aren’t meant to take serious. Leprechaun in the Hood is precisely what you think it’s going to be but holy crap does it go beyond that. It begins with the story of a pimp played Ice-T who comes across the stone statue of the Leprechaun in a old subway tunnel  and after besting him and taking his magic flute, turns the Leprechaun into stone and becomes a rap mogul. decades later we find a struggling motivational rap group who are trying to win a contest and when miffed by Ice-T’s MacDaddy, they bust his house up, take the flute, and inadvertently get hunted by the pissed off pimp and Leprechaun.

As I said, the premise is exactly what you’d expect but it goes deeper than that. While the characters talk like its a live action Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas , there’s horny cross dressers, the Leprechaun gets a fondness for weed, there’s scandalously clad demonic rap video girls, people getting there innards randomly blown out and the movie is utter batshit insanity and I love it to death. After watching the rage inducing The Devil Inside , this was a huge breath of fresh air. If you like hilariously bad movies, I encourage you to watch this all the way through the end credits but if you want anything remotely quality or serious, turn away. My the gaming gods bring you glory.

 

Unfriended: the Dark Web trailer 1

Why is this a thing? I know we live in a digital age and there are plenty of opportunities for horror in that age but I give up when you have movies based off social media or Skype. I will say the second movie has a interesting premise and I’m glad it’s not a ghost story, but I can’t the trailer really wowed me. I’d watch it on Netflix or something like that but wouldn’t pay full for it. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Just Friends (2005)

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Oh Ryan Reynolds, you wily bastard. This dude pretty much always makes me laugh, and just friends is no different. From him starting out as a nerdy fat kid that can barely talk to his best friend and woman he loves to player that warns a friend that once you enter the friend zone you become a total non sexual object, like a lamp. He plays his role perfectly.

After being humiliated and swearing to become someone, and a pop star accidentally setting a fire and grounding a plane in his home town in New Jersey he must spend a night at home where he hasn’t been since. Of course we have the usual runs into girl, tries to date girl, things go bad, hilarity ensues. It is a rom-com, we know the routine. There isn’t anything new here, and honestly do we every expect there to be? The movie is funny and the story good but it is cliché. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Devil Inside

devil inside The tagline directly above is true, I’m sure the Vatican doesn’t want you to see this movie but I have to say after seeing it, it’s Ok to follow there advice.

Maria Rossi murdered three people during a failed exorcism in 1989. In 2012, her daughter, Isabella journeys to the Vatican to try getting answers after not seeing her mother for all those years. The first act dives into the teaching of priests as exorcists and how the Vatican declares demonic possession from mental illness. Isabella reaches out to two students who privately practice exorcisms, and some interesting ethical questions are raised concerning the Vatican’s involvement with exorcism or lack thereof. To understand, she accompanies them on a trip, deciding she wants to try on her mom to disastrous results that prove fatal..

The Devil Inside is a good example why I don’t like the sub genre of found footage. There are good questions brought up in the movie and it looks alright enough but its a pretty forgettable horror movie. The interesting questions disappear and we get the same possession cliches redone. I never actually believed or felt immersed in the found footage experience like I was in The Last Exorcism or the first Paranormal Activity  It was a lot of little things how the lead actress always looked perfectly made up the whole movie or how people seemed really lenient waving a camera through the streets of the Vatican, a high security mental institution, a basement where a girl that is clearly dangerous is being held. The ending is an absolute insult I’m going to spoil- it’s a advert for a website that isn’t even still running. That’s it. If you were enjoying yourself, that final minute will turn your pissed meter to 11. In the end, it’s fine to skip the Devil Inside and the gaming gods will bring you all the more glory for doing so.

Oculus (2013)

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Gonna break up the gaming stuff with a horror movie that I watched a bit ago and never got around to reviewing. This one was actually pretty cool. This mirror throughout the years has killed many people and been lost for various reasons. Each time reappearing killing plants in the home, the dog and the people.

In the modern age a man tortures his wife and to protect his sister, his son murders him and is locked away until he is 21. But is this what really happened? Well after being released his sister brings him to the family home with a huge set up of cameras, food, alarms to remind them to eat and a weight set up rigged with no electronics so if they don’t reset it every half hour it would swing down and smash, you guessed it, the mirror.

The plan is to stay in the house and record the entire thing, and when this mirror attempts to kill them this will prove the brother is no murderer and the father was not the man everyone thought he was. The weight was to protect them, with the mirror needing them alive to reset the alarm the thought was it would be unable to kill them.

From here on out we see the brother and sister slowly start fighting as the brother insist the sister is remembering events wrong as they attempt to talk about what happened. She attempts to remind his of the truth. It doesn’t take long for the plants to die. As things get more weird things get more weird. What they think they see isn’t always what is real, and what they know to be fake sometimes is very very real.

The movie is well done, and at times in the movie as the viewer I actually wasn’t quite sure what was and wasn’t real, but I was never actually confused as to the plot of the movie. It was easy to follow but disturbing enough to be interesting with a very nice ending. I would very much suggest watching it. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Incidents in a Ghostland trailer

 

I like looking up random, lower budget horror trailers now and then just to see a spark of flavor or originality we don’t get much of in today’s mainstream horror. The thumbnail for this caught my attention because as well as the host of strange WTF things I’ve been known to write about, old time porcelain dolls creep me out. At first I took this as a type A kind of haunted house story but I like the twists it seemed to be taking. By the end I genuinely wanted to check it out. May the gaming gods bring you glory.