Category: Movie Review

House of 1000 Corpses

house of 1000 corpses

I grew up a 90’s numetal kid that I still love to this day, one of my favorites being Rob Zombie. As well as being a numetal fan, I also love horror so when I saw the trailers for Rob Zombie’s first horror film I was full of bright, cheery, optimism. What came of it?

House of 1000 Corpses is essentially Rob Zombie’s grungier, more vulgar take on Texas Chainsaw Massacre. People break down on the road in the middle of nowhere and are at the mercy of a family of madmen known as the Firefly Family. The most famous character of this family is Captain Spalding, a clown who runs a strange sideshow attraction.

I have to be honest, though it has become a cult classic over the years, I can’t say I like House of 1000 Corpses. Some of the imagery is cool and I do appreciate the throwback to old school horror exploitation, I felt there wasn’t much to differentiate it from movies like TCM, except the vulgarity which there is a shitload of. I can’t really recommend it unless you like Rob Zombie as a artist, other than that, skip to the sequel. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Alienate (2016)

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I am just going to be 100% honest with you. This movie is one of those movies that is a complete failure that could have been a damn good movie. The story is basically about a man obsessed with his work that leaves on a business trip pretty much as his marriage fails. The down side? There happens to be an alien invasion. Now He struggles to make his way home as the world falls apart. The invasion itself is pretty smartly done. While planes are knocked out of the sky and something is placed in the water to pacify the population people panic.

The down side is I am pretty sure this movie was made by a bunch of students that got some funding and new actors willing to work for free and experience. The acting wasn’t all that good, but that could be because the script itself was pretty lackluster. The special effects also left much to be desired. The movie it self pretty much served very little purpose except to exist. That being said, the movie has a lot of potential. The story had potential and with some time it and the characters could have been turned into something memorable and the invasion itself was one of the better thought out plans I have personally come across. In the end it is simply a B movie that may be worth checking out,but don’t expect a great or even a good flick. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Piranha 3D (2010)

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This movie is a classic B movie. It has stars you know, but not really anyone huge. Like that fat kid from stand by me that was in sliders  (Jerry O’Connell) and Christopher Lloyd playing a crazy seeming fish doctor. It has a story that blatantly makes no real sense, but has a slight ring of seems plausible with prehistoric fish being trapped in a sort of cave that are released into a lake that go on a feeding frenzy. What is the only thing missing? A huge party full of college kids, naked women, booze and badly done deaths with mountains of death. Actually, that is pretty much the main plot of the story.

See while all this is going on Jerrys character is pretty much this movies version of the guy that started Girls Gone Wild and he is at this lake for spring break to throw a party with barely legal girls to shoot his new video, and everyone wants in. The fish just weren’t planned on. The story is barely passable the acting is exactly what you would expect and the movie is pretty much about parties and death. It is simply pointless fun, death and women.It is a fun watch tho, best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Jaws: The Revenge

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Remember how I said Jaws 3 was almost the worst Jaws movie? Here is why. They decided there needed to be a 4th one, titled Jaws the Revenge. It is pretty much universally seen as the worst one, and no aside what some think ‘Cruel Jaws” the movie about a tiger shark is not actually a Jaws movie despite some areas marketing this Italian film as such.

With our kind sheriff dead and his family moved down to the Caribbean after many years have passed we find that one of his sons has become a ocean researcher. And wouldn’t you know it, a giant man eating Great White Shark is hunting him. The movie looks nice and the acting is solid. That kind of is where the good parts end. The story is more out there than the last and it may be the most pointless sequel to ever be created. Tho I do have to admit the ending it self was fun, the series should have ended with Jaws 2 and I find myself desperately hoping a 5 or a reboot never finds its way to creation. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Zombeavers

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The title says it all. The poster says it more. This is a movie about friggin zombie beavers. 3 sorority sisters go to a cabin in the woods for a weekend getaway but it just so happens the local beavers ran afoul with some toxic waste and became zombies.

I don’t care what anyone says, this was a fun B movie. There’s plenty of one liners, blood, boobs, and bad language to get a few good laughs. Once you see a zombie beaver jump out of a wooden floor and chew a guy’s nuts off, you can officially say you probably saw everything.  Of course the acting ain’t great but it gets the job done and the effects alone are funny with obviously fake beavers and blood that looks like cherry Kool Aid. It’s a fun movie for the horror fan that needs a laugh. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Jaws 3-D (1983)

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There is just so much to hate about this movie. Even the title sucks. Tossing that “-D” after 3 wasn’t clever, and the 3-D aspect wasn’t even done well. Jaws 3 was almost the worst Jaws movie ever made. Almost.

This time around a baby great white shark swims into a soon to be open park and they of course decide that despite one never having survived being in captivity they are going to keep the little guy. P.E.T.A. is gonna be pissed. Anyway after a bunch of this mom shows up and wants her kid back, which honestly I am not even sure sharks do. All hell soon breaks loose and she kills a bunch of people, even shatters the glass in an underwater tunnel. The movie is ridiculous from beginning to end makes very little sense and as I said before the 3-D aspect isn’t even well done. If you want to see all the Jaws movies watch it, but don’t go in expecting all that much besides a body count. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

 

Sausage Party

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This was a weird ass way to start a night. It looks like a children’s movie and even sounds like one at first with upbeat song and dance number but then I realized it was so much more than that. Sausage Party is the story of food at grocery store awaiting to be taken away to the “great beyond” over the 4th of July weekend. For them its heaven, or is it once they realize the “gods” aren’t kind and in fact slaughter and eat them because, you know, food…

I know I’m labeling this review a comedy. In fact, if you enjoy Seth Rogan’s other comedies, you will love this, but I enjoy the movie strictly for it’s brilliant satire and some deep questions. Being a fat weirdo from Scranton, I eat quite a bit but I can’t say I ever thought of the pain and suffering of food. Some of the scenes have a gruesome, and heinous feel to them, even though it’s just a potato getting peeled or a hot dog getting boiled.  Because of it taking place in a grocery store, we get to see how all the food interacts with each other, a cleaver metaphor for the different races we have and at the end it all blows up into a argument over god and heaven. I applaud it for making me think rather than laugh, which sadly I didn’t do much of except for some outrageous scenes halfway through and up. All in all, it was a cool movie with damn good animation that dared to be different and I say give it a shot. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Jaws 2 (1978)

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Jaws 2 is as you can imagine is the next installment in the Jaws series. I know, shocking. A few years after the first shark incident we have a serious of boat accidents, but our good chief knows better. Sadly our small town of Amity once again does not believe him. Even his own family is sure he just has sharks on the brain. And who can blame him? The man came face to face with a man eating Great White that killed people with no remorse.

He of course is not wrong, a shark is back, and it is hungry. Unlike the first Jaws tho Jaws 2 was met with mixed reviews and never got the same recognition as the original. I can understand why, while the movies visuals and such were still good for their time the story and everything else was very much been there done that and offered nothing new. The movie wasn’t bad and I think it was unfairly criticized at times because of how ground breaking the first was, but it was definitely not as good. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Tooken (2015)

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Spoof movies are always pretty much hit or miss. Part of the issue is you really have to be a fan to begin with. I am always on the fence, some like most of the Scary Movie series I enjoyed, others were pretty damn horrible. This was not as good as Scary Movie but I was pleasantly surprised by how good the movie actually was.

As you may have guessed by the title, this is obviously a spoof of Taken. If the name and the picture didn’t give it away, you should probably skip the movie to be honest. Quite a few of the jokes simply wouldn’t mean much having not seen Taken.

The story itself is about what you would expect. Exaggerated goofball knock off of Liam Neeson tries to win back his family only to discover his ex wife is now engaged to an ex porn star. All of this is of course extremely over blown to the extreme like any other spoof movie. Hell at one point there is a commercial for a male enhancement pill  that claims to simply combine the two strongest known to man. The bad guy is known as Brownfinger, you can assume why all on your own I am sure and of course the daughter just wants to get laid and the boyfriend ends up in a body cast because like every dads fantasy he throws him out a window. The movie isn’t for everyone and it is by no means good, it is simply good enough. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Dead Space: Downfall

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I’m going to admit, I’m not a fan of most video game cross media tie ins. Most somehow usually don’t translate well into other medias. Dead Space + anime+ horror film = a confused Torsten at first, but they all came together as one giant terror sundae.

Downfall is an anime prequel film about what happened to the Ishimura before Issac’s team showed up. The story begins with the discovery of the marker on Aegis 7 and how it screws with the minds of the crew, leading to murders and hallucinations. Our main character is head of security Alissa Vincent and her team as they start battling the creatures. We also follow Dr. Kyne, a alley we had in the game, who witnessed the madness of the marker and has to face off against the ship’s captain, losing his mind under his belief in the marker.

Dead Space: Downfall does remarkably well standing alone as a horror movie and a prequel to the game. They did amazing recreating locations, voices, and maintaining the look of the game. If you love the game, you’ll appreciate this film. If you love gory anime, you also won’t be disappointed. This movie is fast, disturbing, and full of good horror and characters. I highly recommend it to any fan of the games or anyone who wants to watch some creepy anime and may the gaming gods bring you glory.