Author: torstenvblog

Ambitious is 1 way to describe this movie. Bloated and off are others. This wasn’t easy but (sigh) let’s do this.

Valerian is a sci-fi epic about agents Valerian and Laureline that are trying to uncover a mystery involving mass alien genocide and military cover up. There’s a place called Alpha where thousands of species converge and prosper for the benefit of all. Well I just summed up all the important shit in two sentences and this movie is over 2 hours, but feels like 3.

Best thing Valerian has going for it is how beautifully detailed the worlds are and how much there is to see. Other than that, this movie is a mess. The casting of Valerian and Laureline, Dane Dehaan and Cara Delevingne, ain’t right and they have shit to no chemistry to pull off the romantic tension. Dehaan a lot of times kinda feels like bargain bin Chris Pine Capt. Kirk and Delevingne seems like a pretty droid at times with flat deliveries. Clive Owen plays military bad guy 101, enough said. Rhianna gives the movie’s best performance but she ain’t really in this for long. As I said, this thing feels longer than it is and it shouldn’t because something is always happening. Seriously with the pair getting thrown into predicaments and all the side plots, I forgot what the hell the movie was about twice- I’m not exaggerating. Honestly, I felt like was watching someone trying to cram a whole RPG into a 2 and a half hour movie and wasn’t taking no on trimming it down. I can’t recommend this unless you are a HUGE science fiction buff. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Before he was the Bat, he was Devil in a movie that people liked when it first came out but soured in time. It did get Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner, so that’s something.

Daredevil is the story of Matt Murdock,, the man without fear. Blinded by chemicals as a young boy in a accident after seeing something that broke his heart, he quickly learned he had something more, his other senses were raised to superhuman sharpness. While his father fought his way to redemption, Matt learned to perfect his new skills and learned to fight like his dad. Like every hero to be though, his father is beaten to death in a alley for not throwing a fight and the pain drives Matt to grow up to become a attorney by day who’s falling in love with a beautiful, mysterious woman named Elektra and the costumed vigilante Daredevil at night, hunting the Kingpin of crime in Hell’s Kitchen and his assassin Bullseye.

I’m getting this out of the way, yes, the Netflix series is WAY better than the movie but people crap on the movie more than they should. 14 years later, I still enjoy it. I can’t in no way proclaim to be a fan of the comics; I never read any. There’s some pretty badass moments and in a pre Nolan- Batman world, I liked how it was a dark superhero movie that had a little camp in it. I thought Affleck did fine as Murdock and Daredevil. I think the late and great Michael Clarke Duncan was great as Kingpin. Jennifer Garner was fine as Elektra but there’s a couple of times she drops the ball with the line delivery and WTF is with the outfit at the end. Collin Farell as Bullseye is probably the weakest link, he ain’t really got much personality and just kills shit in cool ways. Actually, I take that back, the weakest link is the damn playground scene. Oh my god that was cheesy as fuck. Overall, it’s not a masterpiece but it’s got some cool stuff in it so I’d recommend it a pre owned or crap bin price. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Of the three cinematic iterations of Fantastic 4, only the 2005 film was successful enough to get a sequel two years later…and here we get one of the worst villain reveals of the last decade, but that’s for the end. And yeah, I’m going to spoil it.

So the Fantastic 4 are world famous celebrities and superheroes, and the world eagerly awaits the wedding of Reed Richards and Sue Storm. While everyone prepares, Reed is knee deep in research on a set of strange occurrences happened around the globe. Random points around the world experience drastic environmental shifts after a mysterious comet like object races past them. Meanwhile, in Latveria, a deformed and pissed off Dr. Doom searches the source out himself, finding a man like silver creature on what looks like a surf board. They have a altercation and Doom gets served by it’s energy blast, but miraculously the creature heals him. During the wedding, the creature appears. Johnny chases him but the surfer catches him and something weird happens to Johnny; if he touches another one of the group, he switches powers with them. When Reed and the military are at ends to capture the Silver Surfer, Doom comes into play. Sue makes contact with the surfer and she discovers he is but a herald for a much greater danger, his master Galactus…

I’m going to say Galactus kills this movie. One of the greatest foes in all of Marvel is reduced to a storm cloud- Shame on you. The cast does ok and the effects are pretty cool at times but overall it’s just as forgettable as the first, but I can’t say its terrible. Worth a crap bin hit or Netflix. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

For years I’ve heard this movie was an unwatchable train wreck- the worst Fantastic 4 adaptation and one of the worst superhero movies of all time. At face value, it seems so but I can definitely say don’t judge a book by it’s cover here.

It begins with a college aged Reed Richards and and Victor Von Doom trying to capture energy from a space anomaly called Colossus. Reed and his best friend Ben Grimm live at Mrs. Storm’s Boarding House with her and her two children Sue and Johnny. The experiment backfires and even after Ben tries to save him, Victor seemingly dies. Ten years Reed has founding to go into space, and assembles a crew of his friends to take on the mission. They get hit with a cosmic power and crash unharmed but changed, hunted by a foe Reed knows too well.

Ok, this movie isn’t a gem but doesn’t nearly deserve the hate it gets. There’s a strong B Sci-fi movie element to it, but for much of the Fantastic 4 lore is B movie material. The group has better chemistry than the big screen renditions and importantly I have to say, this movie touches on there origin but actually has the 4 do real superhero stuff like Johnny saving New York from Doom’s laser. I actually got really pissed watching this because it blows my mind that a movie with a 100 times less the budget than three other iterations had more heart and did more justice to the 4 and got pissed on so bad. Overall, I recommend it if you like B movies or are a Fantastic 4 fan and it’s on Youtube for free. Best Wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory…Flame On!

Ah shit. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to be that guy that saw the redeeming quality in this flaming, apocalyptic train wreck wrapped in a dumpster fire. Sorry, I ain’t that guy today.

This iteration of Marvel’s first family goes more of the Ultimate Marvel approach, going with the Ultimate origin…kinda. Reed Richards is a young misunderstood genius who believes he can crack open another dimension to another world. Recruited to the Baxter Building, which is a government/military think tank by Dr. Storm, he’s paired with his adopted daughter, reckless son, and pain in the ass prodigy Victor Von Doom. Ugh. So they create the device but the military says thanks and takes it. In a drunken bit of brilliance Reed calls his BFF Ben and the for boys go dimension hopping while Sue plays lookout. Shit goes wrong. Victor falls into a green, volcanic crack; Johnny gets set on fire in his pod; Ben gets crushed by molten rocks; Sue gets flashed by excess energy; and Reed’s body gets really wrapped. Seriously, this shit is graphic. Well, our “heroes” change only now they really have no control and have to wear there super suits 24/7, except Thing who’s fucking nude and thank god ain’t got a boner in rock form. Reed runs and abandons them and for 20 minutes of run time the other three and the government are trying to track him down. Oh and Doom comes back…looking like a a rubber sex dummy coated in glow stick goo and wearing a trash bag poncho with more generic random ass powers than last time.

This movie is ass cheese. I can’t even say that as a Fantastic 4 fan. I liked the idea of making it a bit more grittier and and more dark sci-fi but this either went way too far overboard or just looks shitty. As a movie, the actors seem bored and disinterested, the pacing is garbage, the final act is rushed and pointless and there’s 4 times less action than the 2005 film. I’ve heard horror stories about the making of this movie and I’m glad the actors involved didn’t have there reputations scarred by this travesty of hero films and should be the moldy crap waffle dropped in cinema’s toilet. Friends don’t let friends Fant4stic.

If you’ve followed my work for a while, you know I love the Fantastic 4 and the idea of them in the MCU makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. If you want to know why, this movie may not really answer why.

Our story centers around five people who participated in a experiment with disastrous results. Reed Richards, a quiet, dorky nerd. Sue Storm, Reed’s hot ex girlfriend. Sue’s asshole brother Johnny. Reed’s best friend Ben Grimm. Then we have the incredibly rich current fiance of Sue, nemesis of Reed and totally obvious villain Victor Von Doom. During an experiment in space, they run afoul with a cosmic storm that essentially changes them. Reed can stretch; Sue can turn invisible and make forcefields; Johnny can fly, shoot fire and be hot; and Ben mutated into a giant, living rock. Seemingly, Victor seems untouched at first. The four quickly become celebrities after they are put into a scenario where they got to save people; Reed just wants to cure them. Tensions rise as celebrity keeps in, Ben gets labeled a outcast by his deformity, and the attention goes to Johnny’s head; behind the scenes Victor starts to change as well, but realizes he can be the ultimate power if the others were out of the way. Can the Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, and The Thing unite to stop Dr. Doom?

As far as superhero movies go, as well as incarnations of these heroes have gone, this is just meh. Not great but not a crap shoot. The film captures the dysfunctional family aspect of the group fairly well. Best part of this movie hands down is Michael Chiklis as The Thing, he perfectly portrayed the pathos of the character but wasn’t overly brooding, but sold his sarcastic, light hearted side too- also he aced “It’s Clobberin Time!”. Lowest point of this is Dr. Doom. Doom went from one of Marvel’s most fascinating villains with a huge array of technology and magical abilities  to a bitchy rich pretty boy with generic superpowers. A huge flaw is that for a superhero flick, there seriously ain’t much to hit. There’s one fight at the end that lasts 5 minutes, a fly chase that lasts like 3, the bridge scene which is about 5, and you don’t see everyone in costume until the final fight. Besides that, comedy, stunts, and melodrama. The movie is forgettable but fine on netflix or shit bin. As always, best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.