Movie Review – Page 121

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix (Explained Badly)

Here we go again, more insane shit. We start out with a soul stealer attempting to take the soul of Harrys cousin and like a true idiot he saves him and drags him home. His reward is a court date to avoid expulsion from school. After skirting around his technically criminal act our dear Potter goes to school only to find the place taken over by what can only be described by a dictator that would probably make Hitler ask wtf was going on.

At this point in true family fashion Harry forms an army similar to the Order Of the Phoenix which brings our number of pseudo factions up to around a bazillion or so. I mean I get it, terrorist leader is back from the dead and every one says Harry is lying about it i’d probably be a little pissed off to.

In typical movie fashion in the end the school is somewhat back to normal, some ginger twins quit school, the craziest bitch to ever exist kills Sirius Black and some how noone has slit Dracos throat yet. As always thanks for your time, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire (explained badly)

h there is a metric shit ton of crazy shit going on here. We start our journey with our abused wizard being rudely woken up by his ginger friends future wife, followed by a trek in the wilderness to find a teleporting boot to the quidditch world championship. After harassing the local rich kid we see Ireland vs Bulgaria. After the game some terrorist attack and all hell breaks out.

After we return to school two other schools join Hogwarts for what can only be described as the wizard death Olympics. Three kids are chosen to fight dragons and lake people young Harry cheats his way onto the team only to let Edward Cullen get murdered in the cemetery by the head terrorist in charge proving once again Harry will stop at nothing to achieve victory.

As always thanks for your time and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban(explained badly)

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So here we are again, another explain Harry Potter badly post because honestly anyone that would read this has already seen the movie by now.

Our journey starts with our Abused wizard Harry Potter lying about his school beating him with a cane to his even more abusive ant that has an unhealthy obsession with dogs and abusing them with copious amounts of alcohol. Potter “unintentionally” blows her up like a balloon and floats her down the street. Realising there would be severe repercussions he runs away and accepts a ride from some less than savory folks on a bus where the minister of magic forgives him.

On the train ride to school we discover the true knowledge of the the Potter universe. Things that steal souls won’t go near gingers. True story, go back and watch. Anyway eventually we get to see Harry Potter bully the local rich kid with snow balls and an invisibility cloak and continues on the quest to avoid Sirius Black until it becomes a quest to kill Sirius Black which then leads to the discovery that Sirius is his loving god father that was framed by a dude named Wormtail and with a name like that they really should have known. Anyway after some time travel everything ends up being pretty good. Go enjoy the movie, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets (Explained badly)

The Chamber of secrets is the 2nd movie in the adventure of young wizard Harry Potter, and since we have all seen the movie by now I shall now attempt to give a short summery of the movie, very badly.

After an escaped slave warns Harry not to go to school. Our abused young wizard is then rescued from home by 3 gingers in a stolen car and taken to a run down shack.

A short time later a low level government employee loses Harry in the black market before Harry and his friend Ron miss the train and assault an ancient but murderous tree. Our duo narrowly escape expulsion only to spend the movie hunted by a snake while incompetent teachers once again rely on small children to save the school from a long thought dead terrorist leader,whom every one denies is alive.

I hope you all enjoyed this, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Harry Potter And The Sorcerers Stone Explained badly

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The first Harry Potter movie. This one takes me back, had an ex that used to babysit and the kid loved this movie and would watch this and Spider-Man on repeat. Having never read the books at that point (feel free to insult me in the comments for that blasphemy) I didn’t really know what to expect. And yes you are going to get reviews on all the movies before to long.

Lets be honest, the movie is an instant classic. Years from now when we are dead our grand kids will be watching the 22K remaster of it in their holo decks like in Star Trek. I’m not going to give you a standard review here because that has been done to death, instead i’m going to explain the movie as badly as I can.

This is the story of an abused orphan from under the stairs that finds out his parents were killed by wizard terrorist. After being recruited to a special school for the gifted Harry is dragged into a conspiracy to steal a magical stone of unknown powers and must outsmart every adult in Hogwarts to stop a turban wearing teacher from reanimating the dead.

Ok that was probably bad, feel free to add your own spin on this one, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Fantastic Beast And Where To Find Them

The prequel set in the Harry Potter World, and it had some big shoes to fill. But did it succeed? Well with over 800 million world wide it would be hard for me to say no, and it would be even harder for you guys to take me seriously if I said it didn’t. That being said there are many places this movie succeeds and a couple where I think it could be better. The world is for lack of a better word fantastic, the magical creatures are great in both looks and diversity and all seem to have their own personalities.

Now for where it can improve, I really don’t like Newt, the main character in any capacity. I’m not sure if its the actor coming across or odd or how he is written but just something about him i don’t like. The story itself while amazing to see what the wizard world is like in early 1900’s America is rather boring i thought and not only because it is slow to build. The title Fantastic Beast is a bit misleading as the hunt for the beast seems to take back seat to all political stuff which is kind of half assed because its trying not to over shadow the beast and in the end both don’t do as well as they should have.

The movie is fun and while I think its the worst in the Potter universe its still a great movie. So give it a shot, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Girl In The Photographs

Ok this movie is pretty damn weird. It starts out with two women leaving the movies and going their separate ways. After arriving home a girl is kidnapped tortured and has photos taken which are then posted places for others to see. With no bodies or reports of missing people the police are forced to chalk it up to pranks or street artist or some other random non criminal douchbaggery. There is also a photographer that returns to his home town to take pictures. I have to admit i really don’t understand the movie. There is a lot of stuff that simply seemingly has nothing to do with anything else. Obviously later on it all starts coming together and things pick up a bit but first you will spend a decent amount of time wondering what the hell is going on. By all means give it a watch, its not a bad movie. The acting and visuals are pretty good. Thanks for coming and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Mars Attacks!

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I’ve been a Tim Burton fan for many years and I’m hoping Beetlejuice 2 kicks ass, so last night I found Mars Attacks on Hulu and said why not because I never got to watch the whole thing before. I had fun with it this this goofy 50’s science fiction comedy. Pretty much the plot is in the title- Martians come to earth and well, attack. I have to say I love Jack Nicholson as the President- Jack’s always a welcome addition to any movie in my opinion. Also it was really cool to have such a wide range of actors like a young Natalie Portman, Jack Black, and Sarah Jessica Parker to more veteran actors like Nicholson, Glenn Close, Pierce Brosnan, and Michael J. Fox. The movie’s effects surprisingly hold up twenty one years later, achieving the retro 50’s alien vibe I really dig. The action scenes are cool and there’s some fun dark comedy spread throughout. While not personally my favorite Burton film, it still reminds me of better days and it’s a good time for Burton fans and retro sci-fi nerds. As always, thanks for checking us out and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Alien Resurrection

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And here comes the hate mail- I thought Alien Resurrection was good. Is it batshit? Hell yeah it’s a terrific WTF movie full of random moments, kills you can’t tell are funny or just epic, and a couple genuinely sad moments in a story that doesn’t need to be there at all but raises some interesting questions nevertheless. What killed this puppy from the get go was the conflict of ideology behind the set between Screenwriter Joss Whedon- yes Avengers, Buffy, Firefly, that Joss Whedon and french director Jean-Pierre Juenet. In a nut shell, Joss wrote R-rated Firefly and J.P wanted a serious, artistic film. Here’s the clusterf#$k that ensues…

200 years after Ripley’s death in Alien 3, she’s cloned by the military on the U.S.S Auriga outside regulated space for the alien in her belly. It’s extracted successfully, leaving them with the Ripley clone. They keep her alive, curious how she fares. Immediately they notice Ripley 8 is stronger and is learning at a fast speed. She has genetic qualities of the alien like strength, fast reflexes, and her red blood is highly acidic. Illegally the military hired a band of space pirates, bringing cargo of live people to be impregnated by the Queen Alien. The aliens she breeds are smarter than before, breaking out quite easily. The ship is pretty easily over run and Ripley has to band together with a closet android Call, the pirates, and a asshole scientist we know will screw them first chance he gets and escape. Simple really until the end. Ripley 8 gets snatched and taken to the queen who has stopped laying eggs the traditional way and has switched to a human birthing cycle, producing Ripley’s ultimate WTF hybrid baby.

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So it kills the queen, gets emotionally attached to Ripley; who kills it because it’s violent freak baby…wow this movie is batshit to the 9th degree but I love it.

Is Alien Resurrection scary like the first, action packed like the second, or dark and gory like the third? Hell no. Is it a good movie in the conventional sense? Eh, not really. The acting is either oddly bland or over the top; the art style is very brown and very strange, just watch the opening credits. The score is good and the aliens look nice but we see them too damn much. Seriously you see the alien in all its drippy ass glory more in this than you do in the trilogy and probably Covenant combined. The best part is easily the scene where Ripley finds the hideously deformed clones of herself that came before her- that’s nightmare fuel. Other than that there is so much funny, crazy, epic, random shit. Pervis killing that asshole scientist by beating the piss out of him and having the chestburster break through him and out the dude’s head- I cheered. Having a dude roll a grenade like he was bouncing a pebble into a escape pod that has a alien in it like he was playing skeeball- somehow kinda cool. Same dude saluting his fallen comrades only to have his brain tongued out by an alien, staring at the clump of his own brain matter with a wide eyed look of constipated disillusionment- hysterical. Underwater scene- epic. Having Winona Ryder page aliens over the ships PA system to kill the asshole scientist- funny as hell. Simply, Alien Resurrection is a “bro flick”, something me and Savior would probably watch with soda and cheap pizza to laugh at and cheer kills over. Taken seriously, you’ll hate it. Take it for what it is, you can have fun with it.

Star Trek Beyond

Here we are at long last, the final Star Trek movie. This trek has a different more somber feel to it. Kirk making some noise about leaving the fleet, Prime Spock dead new Spock talking about leaving to help New Vulcan. Seriously this shits a huge downer. Then the Enterprise goes boom nameless crew dieing everywhere. Its like they set out to make us all sad. All that being said it doesn’t stay that way and there are plenty of jokes to go around.

The crew sets off on a rescue mission that turns out to be a trap where the Enterprise was quickly out matched with them narrowly escaping and being stranded on the planet. With new alien races to meet and kill the crew regroups on an old lost federation ship. I’m not sure there will be a fourth movie tho I hope there is, but if not Star Trek Beyond is a worthy send off for this generations crew. At the beginning I wasn’t happy with them rebooting the series, but now I have to admit this was one hell of a job that I am happy we got to experience. Until next time, may the gaming gods bring you glory.