Once upon a time, Torsten V was a 18 year old emo kid who actually found Twilight a fascinating book with a cool story and decent characters. Back then, I only had read a couple books on my own and I was in a bad place in life and, OK, the excuses are piling up on me, aren’t they? Well, Torsten V grew up, read more books, and learned the truth about Twilight- it sucks. Twilight is the story of boring ass Bella Swan who moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad. Forks is a small, rainy, boring town. She goes to school and there she sees the Cullens for the first time, a group of overly pretty, rich, pasty kids that are adopted siblings of the town’s Dr. She has Bio with Edward Cullen, a dude that looks at her like she hasn’t showered in week and hauls ass away from her the second the bell rings. Two days later, he talks to her and seems interested in her ordinary life. Couple days later she’s almost crushed by a skidding van (if only that’s how it woulda ended.) In a flash Edward appears and shoves the van back with ease, denting the side of it with his bare hand, disappearing into the distance again. Through her own personal investigation, Bella discovers Edward is a vampire, and how could she be safe with him- oh I forgot to mention it’s a love story.
Ok, I’m not going to 100% crap on the book. Yes- the characters are meh at best. Yes- the villain really has no meaning to the overall narrative and is more tacked on than Rhino at the end of Amazing Spider-man 2. Yes- Bella is a shallow character with no real past and willing to hurt her poor dad for a guy she met like a month prior. And YES- these novels are not particularly well written; no where 50 shades bad though. I will say the first person perspective is done believably; Bella is written to be a 17 year old girl of average intelligence, and that I can believe unlike other stories I’ve read in this perspective where the speaker and the character don’t match ( I once read a book told through the voice of a middle school drop out who reasoned shit and spoke like the bastard had a Phd. That kind of bullshit.) And debatable as it is, some of the vampire lore is interesting. I actually think it was cleaver to have there beautiful appearance aid in luring their natural prey. I like the idea of vampires building a lifestyle where they aren’t monsters and I feel like restructured it could lead to some good plot threads. As for the movie…you ever hangout with your friends, grab a pizza and some beer and watch a shitty movie for laughs? I bring you the twilight movie as a prime example. The effects suck, the acting sucks, the action at the end is just funny, but I admit the score is good. In fact the soundtrack ain’t bad, and I’m not even into that kind of music really. So did the twilight series murder vampires? Eh, it didn’t kill it but it stated the virus that did. May the gaming gods bring you glory and beware sparkly emo people…sigh.
I will never look at jawas the same again…Phantasm is a cult late 70’s horror movie about a kid named Mike who saw too much. Mikes a normal kid who’s had it rough, his parents recently passed away and for now he lives with his older brother Jody, who besides dealing with his new responsibilities and the death of his parents, is dealing with a friend’s death too. Mike shadows Jody and his best friend Reggie as they attend the funeral. Suddenly Mike sees something disturbing during the funeral procession that none of the adults seem to see; the elderly undertaker lifts the casket out of the hearse and carries it under his arm like it was nothing. And he knows he was being watched. Mike tells Jody what he saw but Jody just assumes his little brother was just pulling his leg. Mike almost believes him until the nightmare, which provokes him to visit the mausoleum of the cemetery; only to be nearly killed by a mysterious blade-pronged floating orb. But even that deadly sphere is nothing compared to the Tall Man, who has it out for Mike and his family…
I will never listen to my old droog Ludwig Van the same after this real horrorshow book and film. Whether you prefer Anthony Burgess’s telling in invented British slang or you want to get blown away by Stanley Kubrick’s trippy visuals and sound, A Clockwork Orange is a story both thought provoking, disturbing, and grim but beautiful. Clockwork is the story of a young ruffian named Alex and his band of droogs who enjoy mischief and chaos in a dystopian future Britain that thankfully never came to be. In fact, Alex is king of his own little world. His droogs follow his every whim, his parents don’t ask questions why he never goes to school, and everything he does gets a slap on the wrist. In one night they beat a homeless man, steal a car, and get into a giant gang brawl with their rival Billy-Boy, and end the night with some spiked “Milkako” (milk). But Alex isn’t just rage and the ol’ ultraviolence, his greatest love is that of Beethoven. Even when his droogs seem to want a change in the group dynamic, Alex doesn’t seem to care, he merely brings them back into line. But one night, one of their escapades goes wrong, a woman dies and Alex is left alone to suffer the consequences, betrayed by his friends. In prison, serving a twenty year sentence Alex discovers a new kind of experimental government treatment for violent criminals that will get him out in a matter of weeks. It uses a mix of violent imagery and audio to subliminal discourage acts of violence, causing feelings of intense pain. But when Beethoven is part of the program, Alex comes into a dilemia. Released back into a populace he misused, beat, and molested with no way to defend himself Alex truly learns the error of his ways as everything bites him in the ass.
With the first trailer for Cult of Chucky debuting, the seventh movie in the series, I thought it’d be fun to look at the the first installment of the series that veered away from the standard slasher archetype and became the the dark horror comedy it’s known for being today. Chucky’s shredded remains are found by his loving, yet murderous girlfriend Tiffany, played by Jennifer Tilly, who stitches him back together and chants the same spell over the doll’s body to bring him back to life. Alive again, Chucky smothers Tiffany’s goth boy-toy. Briefly the couple has a happy reunion before, in a fit of anger, Tiffany locks Chucky in a baby crib which pisses him off, especially locking him in with a bridal doll. He manages to break free, killing Tiffany by knocking her TV into her bath, but he isn’t done yet: he transfer her soul into the bridal doll. After Tiffany gives herself a makeover, the couple go on a murderous cross country trip to get to Chucky’s original body in New Jersey for the amulet that can transfer them to normal bodies again.
What else says hi-ho-America besides me drunk in a alley on Superbowl Sunday, good old Captain America! Besides being the field commander of the Avengers as well as one of Marvel’s very first superheroes, he’s also a symbol of the American spirit. First Avenger is the story of Steve Rogers, a scrawny young man with a heart of gold who dreams of serving his country during WW2. His weak physical condition keeps him out so he keeps hopping from recruitment center to recruitment center with fake papers trying to enlist. Finally he’s spotted by a Dr. Erkliner who believes Rogers is the perfect candidate for a super soldier experiment called “Project Rebirth”. He’s further convinced seeing Rogers kind and selfless heart in action, revealing that another scientist in germany had tried a similar experiment and failed because of his dark heart- Johann Schmitt, the Red Skull. Rebirth is a success, transforming Rogers into the pinnacle of physical human peak. He’s stronger, faster, more agile, with a heightened metabolism and keen reflexes. Armed with his vibranium shield that is essentially energy proof, Cap takes on Hydra, Hitler’s rogue science division lead by the Red Skull.
GO TEAM CAP!!!! (in the book anyway).
So funny story, my dad took me to the opening weekend of Independence Day back in 96, and well to this day it’s the only movie to ever scare me so much we had to leave the theater. I was six.
Savior Gaming 