Category: Horror

Sex Drive (2008)

Sex Drive is a 2008 comedy about one man’s quest to lose his virginity to a woman on the internet by stealing his brother’s car, a 69 Pontiac GTO Judge, which his brother loves more than basically anything. Only a few issues with this quest, Ian (Josh Zuckerman) has a friend named Lance. (Clark Duke) Lance is kind of a ladies man and gets them chased by a pissed off redneck that decides he needs to score with a lady he finds crying at a gas station. His best friend from childhood, Felicia (Amanda Crew) is also kind of a cockblock. Not sure she means to, but she has done this quite a few times in their life including one sure thing early in the movie.

Then there is Ezekiel (Seth Green), an Amish man that will routinely save them when their car needs to be fixed. He learned while he was off on the Amish tradition of Rumspringa. The movie explains loosely what it is tho in an extreme version of it. Basically, it is the Amish (and from what I heard Mormon) tradition where at the age of around 16 people are allowed to leave the religion temporarily to experience the rest of the world and return around age 18 to decide if they want to stay or leave forever. Not every sect practices this is a general idea of what it is.

Anyway, after that little learning bit, I am sure most of you didn’t care about, our boy Zeke who is, in my opinion, the highlight of the movie will fix their car a few times and be very sarcastic the whole time. Not because he doesn’t like our group, they actually end up being great friends, he just missed the sarcasm. It is lost on his people according to Zeke.

The movie is typical for the genre, it has its serious moments, it has some nudity and crude humor and is just in general a fun movie if you liked movies like Porky’s or Superbad. If you didn’t however there isn’t much here for you, best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Obsessed

obsessed

There are times I watch things for the blog I love, sometimes laugh at, hate, or just once in a great while experiment with to fulfill a theory. I remembered the trailers for this movie a decade ago and thought meh; I heard reviews for this movie a decade ago that were basically meh. So one night, finding it on Netflix, I decided to see if its really meh or not…

A young, happy couple move into a new house with there newborn baby. Derrick is a successful business executive who meets a pretty temp girl named Lisa. She came prepared to be Derrick’s assistant and tries to get closer to him; Derrick is happily married to his wife Sharon and brushes off Lisa’s advances. Things don’t seem serious until the Christmas party when Lisa tries to seduce derrick after a few drinks, and that’s when he realizes she’ll destroy his marriage, his career, and his life to have him all to herself…

Basically the title says it all- this is pretty much a by the numbers stalker film. Because it’s PG-13, there is no crazy bat shit stuff like Fatal Attraction or Audition. Idris Elba and Beyonce are too good for this bland script and Ali Larter is fine as the crazy stalker but even she could have done better. It’s not terrible, just bland as hell with one really hilarious moment from Elba about halfway through. I can’t really recommend it, mostly because there are much better movies that did more with the premise. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Sticks:A tool in Time

sticks

I’m dedicating this post to a good friend of mine, Billy, who coincidentally wrote the book which is the topic of today’s blog. Sticks: A tool in time is exactly what the cover and title suggest: a book about sticks. Yes, sticks. No metaphors, no mysticism just ordinary sticks you break off a tree every day. Now, I know what many of you are thinking: “Torsten, why in the fuck do I want to read a book about sticks when I can read about distant fantasy landscapes, millionaires with kinky fetishes, or secret agents?” Well my friend, I have 2 reasons why you should. The first being a response to your thoughts, yes those are fun subjects to dive into but there are so many books about the same thing, but how many are about sticks? Also, its absurdly hilarious. Savior laughed himself silly and honestly I had a good many laughs too; the book is written to be self aware and laughs are intended. I’m well aware the humor won’t catch on everyone but it’s a fun, small read you can find cheap on Amazon ( link listed below) and I wish my friend the best and can’t wait for the next installment. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

 

Check Amazon to buy a copy.

Alien: Harvest

Harvest is the last of the 6 and I have to say the most action oriented, actually in a way I felt there was some Alien: Isolation vibes here. While the Alien looks pretty convincing, the biggest flaw I see is I don’t like the weird flashy editing. Other than that, it’s a pretty good fan film. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Velocipastor..Yup, That Is A Thing.

Yea you read that right, there is a movie called Velocipastor. And yes, it is about exactly what you think. A pastor that turns into a dinosaur and kills people. No joke, there is a trailer below. The movie is out, tho I have not gotten to see it yet. I plan on looking for it tho because how the hell do you not watch a horror movie about this. I was just messing around on youtube and bam, there it was. So enjoy the trailer and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Alien: Alone

I’m nearly positive that of all 6 Alien shorts, Alone may be my favorite of the 6. Trapped aboard a dying, abandoned vessel in the middle of space, an android deals with the prospects of dying alone, but when she finds a “friend” of sorts, how far will she go to help her friend survive? I love the twists the story takes, especially putting the Alien in a role I admit we haven’t really seen before. There is a great moment at the end where you see her and her friend united that was really cool to see. The pacing is slower but I liked the final product so I didn’t mind much. I definitely recommend it for the fans and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Bye Bye Man

bye bye man

It’s been a long time since I saw a movie quite like the Bye Bye Man. Once in a great while I see a horror movie so bad it’s funny, which is why I’m regarding it as a comedy too. All the better is it’s not like Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn , which know it was goofy and this movie basically tries to be as serious as it can be with a hack premise. But the question is, how bad are we talking?

In typical horror cliche fashion, three college kids rent a old house near campus. While cleaning out the old furniture, they find a old nightstand with a bunch of deranged carvings on the the inside reading ” don’t say it, don’t think it.” and the words the Bye Bye Man. From there, the teens being seeing things and a tall man with a dog stalks there’s minds but they can’t stop the urge to spread the madness of the Bye Bye Man…

As a horror movie, Bye Bye Man is utter crap but as a ” so bad its good” movie its freaking awesome. The imagery behind Bye Bye man isn’t explored at all like the train images or what’s up with him and his dog. The acting was hilarious, especially from the lead actress and one particular scene from the lead character in a car that had me in stitches. The effects are laughably bad. The movie doesn’t really drag so that’s a positive. In the end, stay away if you are looking for scares but looking for unintentional laughs, step right up. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Avengers: Endgame

avengers endgame

11 years have come down to one final bout against Thanos, the Mad Titan. If you paid attention to Age of Ultron, you’ll remember the line that inspired the title of a movie that is definitely the end of an era.

Beginning days after Thanos wiped 50% of the universe’s living creatures, the last remaining Avengers mourn for there fallen and there loss. After being reunited with Iron Man and Nebula, they plan a final attack on Thanos, but to no avail. All hope seems lost. Years go by and they try to live there new lives but then hope comes from an unlikely fellow that gives them an idea what to do, but there is no guarantee it will work and could destroy what little they were able to rebuild. Can the Avengers rise to face failure, loss, and fear and bring down Thanos one last time?

It takes a lot to make me speechless during a movie and even more to choke me up and I was choked up hard here, especially the ending. I’m not going to spoil anything but Savior and I agreed it closed the door to this particular saga while keeping some new doors open. The acting is fantastic and there is a very good mix of levity and sadness throughout. The pacing is slow for the first hour or so but it doesn’t feel 3 hours. There are minor story complaints I have, but sadly I can’t discuss them without spoiler territory. In the end, Endgame is a great end to an amazing saga that is long, but well worth the wait for an insanely epic climax and highly recommended. As is customary for my reviews for Avengers  and Avengers: Age of Ultron , here’s a list of phase 3 and it’s movies leading into Endgame. May the gaming gods bring you glory, whatever it takes…

Captain America: Civil War (Cap side) / Doctor Strange ( 2016) / Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) / Spider-man: Homecoming / Thor: Ragnarok / Black Panther / Avengers: Infinity War / Ant-Man and the Wasp / Captain Marvel / Avengers: Endgame.

Alien: Night Shift

Here we have the 3rd of 6 Alien anniversary shorts. Of the ones I’ve seen this maybe my least favorite, maybe just because it feels a lot like Alien: Containment in a different atmosphere. The setting is damn good but I have to say the chestburster looks kind of off. It’s not the best, but it’s not bad either. May the gaming gods bring you glory.