Category: Movie Review

I am the pretty thing that lives in the house

pretty

Be happy I love you Savior. This is probably the strangest bad thing I’ve reviewed so far. Things like Aliens: Colonial Marines were just flat out bad, and I’m going to tell you now I didn’t like this movie but it’s weird why not.

Much like the movie Darling I reviewed, this is a really artsy horror film. It centers around a young RN named Lily who moves into the house of a once famous author who’s suffering from severe dementia and has to take care of her. Iris Blum, her patient barely functions in her grand sterile white house…except for the rotting spot that develops in the wall. Lily is curious why Iris won’t call her anything but Polly and discovers the famous book Iris wrote was about a real woman named Polly Parsons who got murdered and buried in the wall and Polly told her the story…

I have to say the narrations for this movie are beautifully written. The cinematography is beautiful. The acting is strange and slightly off putting, which combined with how isolated the house feels and how quiet it is can be quite creepy. So why didn’t I like it? It’s boring. Plain and simple. The movie ends when it just feels like it’s starting to build up to something. The fact that there is rarely dialogue but narration, while as I said is well written, feels pretentious after a while. The ending flat out pissed me off with how anti-climatic it felt.  If this was a novella or short story, I’d call it a damn good one. As a movie, nah. I recommend this to a film student or aspiring writer like myself as a teaching tool but I can’t as a actual horror movie.  As always you guys are awesome, thank you for your time, and may the gaming gods be with you.

 

The Rezort

The rezort

To start let me say this, I did not spell the title wrong, its a zombie movie and we all know they just toss the letter “Z” where ever they can. With that out of the way this story takes place after the zombie apocalypse after the war against the zombies has been won. A remote island was discovered crawling with them and a well known company that also handles refugees won the bid to eradicate them. Instead in what I feel is the most realistic part of the movie they built a damn amusement park. And well you know this can not go wrong.

Move forward to the movie itself, a woman on her honeymoon alone because her husband left her at the alter goes to the park with a group that includes our main character, a woman that wants to face her fears and her boy friend as well as a few others. it isn’t long before something goes wrong, the fail safes fail zombies are everywhere and people are dead. It is a very well done tho a bit corny at times movie that is very much worth a watch if you are into the zombie genre. There are also a few nice surprises floating around that I will not ruin for you. So go enjoy, and my the gaming gods bring you glory.

1922 trailer

1922

I’m glad Stephen King is jumping back into mainstream popularity again. Just sayin dude. Anyway, so I know Netflix is popping out a original movie for Gerald’s Game and now 1922, one of five stories from the collection Full Dark, No Stars. 1922 in a nutshell is the story of a farming family living in the titular year and how the father kills the mother and throws her in a old well and how the guilt destroy the lives of him and his son. From the brief trailer we got, the plot seems to be there. I’m glad the movie has a grounded feel to it, the actors actually look like a struggling farming  family and the ghostly images aren’t overly flashy. Overall, I think it’s a perfectly doable adaptation and I’m actually fairly excited for it. May the gaming gods be with you and as always thank you for reading.

Holidays

hero_Holidays-2016

Holidays isn’t so much a movie as a series of short stories combined to make up a movie, each story consisting of its own holiday such as Valentines day, Easter Halloween or even New Years Eve. Now they are honestly all of varying quality with Valentines day and Halloween being exceptionally good.

Valentines was fun, a swim team that is particularly fond of their coach looking for a new heart. Poor Maxine however is especially fond of him and also happens to be bullied and called Maxi-Pad. I obviously won’t ruin the ending but its a good one.

Halloween is another one that really stood out, and is written by Kevin Smith and actually stars his real life daughter. Three women working as cam workers finally have enough of their abusive live in boss. This one while not the most messed up of the bunch gets pretty brutal. This one definitely makes the list of movies worth checking out. Enjoy and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

No Tell Motel

ntm

The typical road trip gone wrong story. A group of friends in a beat up old motor home going god knows where end up at an old abandoned motel. A motel with a dark ad deadly history. The story is actually not all that good and is quite dull most of the time, not really picking up until the last 20 minutes or so.

The acting is passable tho admittedly I never even remotely cared about the characters. It is far from being the worst movie i have seen lately, I am actually pretty sure many of you will enjoy it. I simply will did not. There are a couple of nice twist and turns that were kind of nice and I should warn you there are some seriously twisted moments in here that are not for the easily upset. By all means check this one out, but maybe don’t let the entire night depend on it. Thanks for your time and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Revenge of the nerds

revenge of the nerds

My all time favorite comedy that every nerd needs to see at least once. Revenge of the nerds follows two best friends, Louis and Gilbert, that go start Adams College. It’s the school of there dreams, but every for every nerd there’s a jock. Enter the Alpha Betas, the big men on campus, the football players who drunkenly burn there own frat house down. Because they are your stereotypical assholes, they commander the freshmen house, casting them all out, including Louis and Gilbert. The refugees are forced to live in the gym until they get adopted by fraternities of there own; one by one people get taken but the lonely handful of nerds. So they have to band together and find a nice place of there own, but those damn Alpha Betas won’t let them be. For every dick act of the A-Bs, the nerds find a hilarious way to retaliate whether it’s stealing there cheerleaders panties, pouring liquid heat in there jock straps, or kicking there asses in the homecoming carnival. For how funny as hell the movie is, there is a good message I’d like to share with you: if you’re a nerd, be proud. I never forgot that. The nerds are all likable and Louis and Gilbert have great chemistry as best friends. The hi jinks are funny and raunchy but never really vulgar like many of today’s comedies so younger folks can get away with watching it. Overall, if  you need a good laugh I seriously recommend it to get in touch with your inner nerd.

Grabbers

grabbers

This movie is a solid enough movie with a cool premise to be worth checking out, but I have no clue what to classify this as. It can be a sort of horror monster type movie, but  I also would not argue with comedy. The movie starts with a female cop arriving at a small fishing island that is part of Ireland. After meeting some of the locals our lady hero meets her functional alcoholic partner and tosses him in the drunk tank mostly because she has no clue where he lives.

Eventually our sea monster will appear, an ugly tentacle monster that is allergic to alcohol.So what is a proper Irish lad and lass to do? Well get the entire town drunk so they can keep their blood of course.The movie has some small laughs and is quite charming and while it doesn’t fit into any one category it does everything quite well. I suggest you check this one out, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

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The killing of a sacred deer teaser

sacred deer

So my lil sis told me about a cool trailer she saw a few days ago, so I had to check it out and I gotta say I was intrigued. Colin Farrel and Nicole Kidman star in a “Revenge saga” where Farrel plays a surgeon and Kidman has a family that seems to be in mourning over a wrongfully diseased family member…I think. The trailer was pretty damn vague. I did enjoy the eerie song the girl sings throughout the trailer, not being purposefully creepy like Elm Street but honestly pleasant which makes it more effective. I can’t tell you what I expect but I can tell you it got interested so it did it’s job. I’ll be keeping an eye out on the upcoming trailers for Sacred Deer, but it looks to have promise.

Dead Before dawn

dead before dawn

A high school kid gets stuck watching his grandfathers occult shop with a few simple rules, including don’t touch the vase with human skull attached to it. Of course when the woman of his dreams wants a closer look they gotta go messing with it. After it gets broken and they mock the spirit trapped within the vase, starting at 10 P.M. anyone they look in the eyes commits suicide and comes back as a half zombie half demon. And and yes this movie is as silly as it sounds but luckily it comes of pretty fun if you like comedy horror movies. It never truly takes itself serious but it rarely outright makes fun of itself and the acting it well done so the below average script is more than made up for. If you need a cheap laugh this may be for you, have a good night and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Dredd

dredd

Dredd is probably one of the most criminally underrated superhero films of all time. As you can tell by the poster, this is a much darker, faithful adaptation to the comic book source material. Karl Urban replaces Stallone as a much more mysterious, quieter, more intimidating Judge Dredd  this time around. The plot is simple: a deranged drug lord named Mama holds in a massive apartment complex with a army of armed assholes and it’s up to Dredd and rookie Judge Anderson to take survive the onslaught of assholes, corrupt Judges, and Mama. The movie is simple but great. The action is intense and the kills are bloody. Whereas the first movie was more epic in scope, this one mainly takes place in one location but it never really gets boring. Dredd’s look is a lot more toned down and realistic; Karl Urban is the perfect Judge Dredd I have to say. Mama is a dark, scary ass villain and I take my hat off to Lena Headey  who is probably the best female  super villain I’ve seen to date. Olivia Thirlby is a good contrast to Urban’s Dredd while still being a good character on her own. I have really one small gripe about the movie; Ma-Ma’s drug causes you to experience extreme Slow-Mo which at first can be annoying but it isn’t overused and usually has a satisfyingly messy payoff. Overall, I highly recommend Dredd as a underrated superhero action movie. Thanks for reading and may the gaming gods bring you glory.