Monster Squad (1987)

This movie is one of those classics from my childhood. A group of kids that love monsters and monster..movies…well shit this blog suddenly makes way more sense…

Anyway a group of monster obsessed kids end up befriending Frankenstein and attempting to prevent Dracula and his minions that include a wolf man, mummy and a creature from the black lagoon..I think. Was never really sure what the fish dude was…seriously someone let me know.

The movie was a pretty original idea, a group of kids must finish what Van Helsing started. With the help of a scary German guy they open a portal and fan himself will even make an appearance. This is a fun ride i suggest everyone takes. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Mummy (2017)

mummy 2017

I’m dedicating this post to a dearly departed mentor and friend of mine, Mr. Don Walsh, who loved the classic monsters and Halloween and knew what the season was really all about. The 2017 Mummy remake is literally everything wrong with modern movies and for my mentor and friend, I’m going to tear this bastard down and tell you why it’s ass cheese.

So it begins with Spooky Shield- I’m calling them Spooky Shield- led by a posh, one glove wearing Dr. Henry Jekyll in a tomb looking for a red gem. Then we get Princess Mummy’s backstory. Ok, I’m saying this right now, I have no problem with the Mummy being a woman nor the actress who portrays her. Her story was fine and I’m sure she would have been really good if Universal didn’t try making her sexy as well as threatening. Anyway, we cut to Tom Cruise and his friend playing some live action Uncharted in Iraq. Tom Cruise tries his ass off to be charismatic and keep this movie afloat; I’m not even a Tom Cruise fan but I applaud the bastard for trying. So on accident he stumbles on the tomb Princess Mummy is buried- because after she was mummified alive, they took her all the way from Egypt to Iraq to keep her away from the crystal. So we find out Cruise had some military connection because the Army shows up and decides “let’s take this old Sarcophagus because reasons” and we meet the love interest who’s a archaeologist and who’s pretty much there for exposition and to get kissed by Cruise at the end. As soon they army takes the Sarcophagus, Cruise gets images where a not rotted Princess Mummy shows him stuff and flirts with him. Suddenly all of this apocalyptic shit goes down like the minute they leave the tomb, sand storms, random birds going batshit, the works. Cruise’s friend gets bitten by a spider on the plane out, gets possessed by it and gets gunned down by Cruise because he started killing people. So the plane crashes, Cruise gets hurled out of the plane and doesn’t have a scratch on him because Mummy curse. Ok. Sure. His dead friend starts doing his best Griffin Dunne impression from American Werewolf in London and keeps revisiting Cruise in his Pg-13 zombie ghost glory. So we see Princess Mummy come alive and…to me it looks likes she kills you by making out with you because pounces and multiple times it looks like she’s frenching your life away. She restores herself back to a sexy grey with black tattoos and a skimpy set of bandages that leave just enough to the imagination because I surely wouldn’t think dream of finding sex appeal in a mummy. So more visions and expositions and finally Tom Cruise and Princess Mummy meet. Not going to lie, they milk the fuck out of her walking in slo-mo against a hazy background. Well, when all is lost, she gets harpooned a bunch of times by Spooky Shield and they’re taken in. Here comes the barrage of Marvel ripoffs- Jekyll has a liar full of monster Easter Eggs like vampire skulls, old fashioned tools, and a jar with a certain webbed, scaly hand in it and we get a assload of exposition from Jekyll, including the revelation that the Mummy will always haunt Cruise’s ass because he was the first person to come across her; there’s another scene that feels like a half-assed Loki scene from the first Avengers. So we find out Jekyll has a dark secret of his own because he constantly carries a silver briefcase and constantly keeps injecting himself because him and Spooky Shield are scared shitless of him being Hyde. Cruise and Hyde fight, which Hyde is a joke. His skin darkens like a shadow casts over him and his eyes change color; I had to laugh because Spooky Shield acts like Hyde is the Hulk, an unstoppable badass, and he ain’t. He gets his ass kicked by a normal guy. So Princess Mummy escapes, Tom Cruise kills himself with the Death God dagger, became a living good mummy that’s Set personified and kills her and sets up a sequel. FUCK!

This movies sucks emu balls. I really can’t tell you how bad this movie pissed me off. You can definitely tell Universal tried way too hard to ripoff Marvel to form its cinematic universe and they blew it worse than other company has. There is no horror, simply special effects and attempts to be something else except what it should’ve been. Tom Cruise tried his ass off to be charismatic and likable but shit there ain’t no saving this turd fest. The effects suck, the story is bloated and boring, and it’s trying too damn hard to be trendy. The old Universal monster movies were great and made to frighten people, intrigue people, and they became legendary for a reason. The 1999 remake wasn’t a horror movie but it kept a horror element and gave the movie it’s own life without harming the reputation of the franchise. Watch that. Piss on the 2017 copy. Best wishes to everyone out there and may  the gaming gods bring you glory, because friends don’t let friends watch Mummy 2017.

Evil Within 2 Review

There is a fun, or maybe odd story about how I played the first Evil Within. It went something like this “hey savior try Evil Within” I said it looked kinda weird he told me to shut up stuffed it in my backpack and sent me home and next thing I know I was hooked.

So when part 2 was revealed we were both pretty excited. And I must say I was not at all disappointed. So without further ado, My Evil Within 2 review.

First lets get the obvious part out of the way. Visually the game looks amazing. No, obviously it is not the best looking game out there and I doubt anyone expected it to be. The game is creepy much of the time tho for what is not there. The insane gore level from the first game has been toned down in much of the early chapters. When it randomly comes back however it comes back hard and it means that much more.

The atmosphere shifts between Union, a town created by Mobius, and what can only be described as the background behind the scenes sort of like the halls for staff at malls and maintenance. This as as sort of a HUB for travel which will make much more sense when you play the game which I promise works well.

The game play reminds me of a small open world horror game, it was very rare I felt confined in my hunt for the core that shall remain nameless in my attempt to avoid spoilers. It is also why I won’t put a name to the sick bastard photographer you are hunting.

There are a number of improvements I enjoyed greatly. For example your office that acts as a central headquarters. Instead of a large area with multiple rooms with a chair for upgrades and another room for lockers and a central area where the nurse stands you have an office with a hallway and couple rooms. The chair,lockers and nurse are in one spot and it really streamlined the whole process.

The gameplay itself has been slowed down a bit. I found myself mostly sneaking through town stabbing creatures in the back of the head. I can’t lie, this was a lot of fun. Now, you can just run around killing stuff but that will also risk getting you killed, but it can be done

All in all, this game to me is a must buy and is absolutely in the running for game of the year as far as I am concerned. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Most Likely To Die (2016)

Honestly this movie is kind of like the B version of Scream at a rich dudes house the night before the high schools 10 year reunion. And I don’t mean that as an insult.

Ashley is the first to arrive hoping to seduce her ex boyfriend the host who also happens to be a bit down in the dumps and being cut by the New York Rangers. Of course she is the first one to die, and of course she dies running in a skimpy outfit down a semi wooded dirt trail. Yea its going to be like that.

Other notable movie cliches include a hot tub scene, a dead body in said hot tub, a high school crush reveal that results in sex, a recovering alcoholic that goes back to drinking, an older guy watching a hot chick get undressed that is creepy as hell you will think is the killer, that guy ending up dead..honestly the list can go on.

That list aside it isn’t done bad. While very cliche the high school revenge plot when done right is always fun and it is done fairly well, and I was fairly sure I knew who the killer was the whole time until it turned out I didn’t. If you like slasher flicks give this one a shot, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Evil Bong

evil bong

Yep, this is a real movie. An old film partner told me about this movie back in the old days and I just laughed it off, thinking it was a joke- nope. 6 movies and a fucking versus movie against the Gingerdead Man. So, let’s get this outta the way, please don’t expect a chill-your-bones horror movie out of this. You will laugh.

So a nerd named Alistair moves into a cheap apartment with a group of stoners because he needs a place to study to get his masters and they need a roommate. As you’d expect, it ain’t the most helpful environment for Alistair to study in when everyone’s loud and high most of the time. Well the stoner’s have a great time when paranoid Larnell orders a rare bong. This bong ain’t no ordinary bong; once you toke is takes your soul and transports it to the Bong World, usually filled with murderous strippers. If you die, the Bong Eebee takes your soul. Suddenly, it looks to be up to Alistair to vanquish Eebee and save his friends.

Evil Bong…this movie is so fucking stupid I couldn’t help but love it. It’s absurd stupidity at it’s best. I saw a stripper’s boobs come alive and murder a dude; enough said. The acting is crap, the effects are crap, the music is stereotypical pot-head themes, but I love this movie. Check it out if you want a stupid laugh. Thanks as always and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Cult Of Chucky (2017)

I won’t lie. I had pretty much given up on these movies. The last few have not been good. By the way, is it just me or does this doll seem to look worse every movie? Jennifer Tilly turned 59 this year and thanks to science and I can only assume the best genes man has ever known yet Chucky looked better back in 1988.

Anyway that aside Andy is back, and all grown up and demented as hell. I won’t give to much away but he seems to love his guns enough to make a Republican Texan question his sanity. He also keeps a living Chucky head nailed to a plank in a safe that he occasionally takes out to torture. Fair play to him tho. I would be a little pissed if I were him to.

A bit later our favorite wheelchair bound nut job Nica finally comes to terms that she killed her family, not Chucky. Won’t take long to find out she isn’t nuts and Chucky is killing crazy people.

A couple of high points about this movie by the way. The dialogue between our toy from the 80’s and the poor asylum inmates is pretty hilarious and he seems to have a man crush on a particular doctor. The kills are also rather refreshing. The movie isn’t great, but it did restore my faith in the series. Plus the kiss scene between Nica and Tiff didn’t hurt. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Friday the 13th, Part 3

friday3

Well, Friday the 13th part 3 is your typical Jason film but known for three things: the whacky 3-D, the debut of Jason in a hockey mask, and the “Jason rape theory”.

For a plot, it’s kind of the same as they tend to be- intro telling us everything up to that point, disco credits…ok, that isn’t normal but dude it was the 80’s, it was ok to have a disco remix here and there. So Jason stumbles onto a married couple in the woods; the wife looks like she’s in her twenties but is acting fifty, and her husband kinda looks like skinny live action Mario. After our first fill of 3-D and jump scares we join another group of teens and a couple of hippies as they go to Crystal Lake for summer fun and death. Jason kills these scamps off one by one. Ok, so I mentioned the “Jason rape theory”; the main girl’s backstory with her last encounter with Jason- it’s kinda gross. So at the end Jason seems dead and a pretty girl that may or may not have been raped by Jason lives…

As far as slasher films go, this is pretty good. The victims are just likable enough that you don’t cheer when Jason kills them. Jason has some decent kills but doesn’t look too intimidating yet  but it’s a fair start. The winner of this movie is the shitty 3-D; I can’t describe the joy I get from shitty 3-D spectacles. In the end, it’s a fine movie in the series, just typical. As always thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) explained badly.

Earlier in the week, my daughter, who is way younger than this movie, said for at least the 100th time, “Let’s watch The Nightmare Before Christmas,” and I said Sure. So we did…again. And here is my review of the movie we have all seen a million times…But do any of you remember my Harry Potter reviews? Yup, this is The Nightmare Before Christmas, explained badly.

His Royal Highness Jack invaded the land of Kris Kringle in early November in an attempt to expand his kingdom. Sadly, the easter bunny was also taken hostage. In the ensuing carnage.

After many battles, however, a third entity by the name of Oogie Boogie took the chance in the confusion and captured Kris Kringle. Realising the danger posed to both Halloween and Christmas town as well as the human world, Jack and his forces joined with Kringle to defeat Boogie and save Christmas.

Jack would marry a woman named Sally, and peace would last for generations to come.

I hope you enjoyed. Best wishes, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Teeth (2007)

This movie is essentially about every guys worst nightmare. No, not a girl knocking at his door a year after a one night stand saying you are the father.

There isn’t much to this movie honestly. It is the typical high school drama of a girl struggling to find herself and keeping true to her abstinence. Oh yea, she is hardcore waiting for marriage. (Not that I have an issue with that per say it just isn’t for me)

Flash forward to every mans worst nightmare. The name of the movie, Teeth? Yea her lady bits have got some bite to them. And yes a rapist will literally lose his dick, not that rapist deserve to have one anyway.

Now any long time reader or even read a few reviews person knows I like to leave out major spoilers and most of the plot points. There are a few surprises in the movie and it is well put together. Its worth checking out, just don’t go into it expecting anything more than a fun but flawed experience. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.