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The Playground

Hey kids, have you ever heard of splatterpunk? Have you ever watched Willy Wonka and wished there was Saw in it? Well, Aaron Beauregard has you covered. Before I begin, the cover of this book tells you exactly what you’re getting into. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, fuck that, here’s a good exception to the rule. This book is gnarly so if you have a weak stomach and the idea of children dying triggers you at all as well as some really, really WTF sexual stuff involving poop at one point, this book is absolutely not for you.

3 low-income families receive the chance of a lifetime from the reclusive billionaire and philanthropist, Geraldine Borden. She and her adopted son, Rock, have invited the families with their total 8 children to come and test some new state-of-the-art playground equipment in exchange for $3,000 per family. Not a bad deal, right? The parents even get to relax in their own private theater and monitor their children at play…until things go violently wrong. Ambushed by ravenous dogs, the children are chased through a razor blade-laced chute to a dungeonous series of macabre games where survival is the only reward. The parents, captive in places, are forced to watch there beloved children fight not only the horrific games but also themselves as Geraldine’s twisted games unfold…

Holy shit this book gave me whiplash. Is it a fun read? Hell no! Is it an exciting read I literally couldn’t put down? I really couldn’t. The kids are the superstars of the story and a lot of praise to Beauregard for writing thoughtful, authentic children instead of angelic Hollywood kind of kids. I felt for quite a few of them on their reactions and grisly fates while also cheering when the villain of the eight gets his just deserts. The games are eerie and pretty imaginative with some incredibly disturbing outcomes. I like that Geraldine is in no way a sympathetic or redeemable villain in a modern world of tragic villains. Rock is a really tragic character and his redemption at the end is well-earned. The flaw in the book is the parent sections which do drag the pacing down. The book is organized into 3 POVs: the kids, the parents, and Geraldine. The parents are literally locked in place and most of their sections revolve around reacting to what just happened to their kids. It makes the pacing a bit bumpy, especially around the middle.

So in the end I really enjoyed the book, though all be damned if I didn’t need a hot shower and a hug after. No, there’s no happy ending and yes this book is depressing and horrific but the ending lands and is self-contained which is cool. It’s honestly well worth a read and well written if you can get past the grotestuque subject matter. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Blood Meridan

What do you think of when you hear about the Old West? Cowboys, Indians, covered wagons, and dusty saloons where a shootout is a shot of whiskey and a whore away? John Wayne? Clint Eastwood? John Marsten? Well, like most people I did too. I heard many tales that this novel was one of the darkest, if not the darkest westerns ever written with one of the most fascinating villains in literature. Does it hold up to the claims?

The story begins with a young runaway referred to as The Kid who finds his way into the Glanton Gang, a crew of scalp hunters roaming across the west near Texas and Mexico in the 1850s. Normally I’d go deeper into the story but Blood Meridian doesn’t have much of a coventional plot. Much of the book is an experience in haunting philoshy and depravity. For real, this book is grim as hell so if you are easily triggered by racism, violence to people or animals, gore, or rape stay away from this book.

Cormac McCarthy (Rest in Peace) beautifully illustrates a hellish depiction of the Old West and the horrors of man left his own devices. There is some truly horrifying imagery and the way the book is written, I felt strained as the gang does getting worn down after dozens of bloody raids and losses in a unforgiving desert. Could this be a second hand horror story? I can see it in the way Dante’s Inferno could be seen that way. I really like that the Kid is not a good kid corrupted by the debauchery or even has anything close to a redemption- nope- he’s just as cutthroat and ruthless as Glanton and the rest. The standout, the man who does steal the show of the book, is the mysterious Judge Holden. He’s a huge, hulking hairless albino man that is almost inhumanly intelligent and depraved more than the rest; the sermons he gives are legendary and off putting as hell. Whenever Holden appears I was instantly griped and I think the praise he receives as a villain is well earned.

So is this book a masterpiece, yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. First, this is not written like a modern book. McCarthy is a novelist in the true sense of the word; ten pages in I said “oh shit this is one of them smart people books we don’t get anymore”. He won’t hold your hand. He has a pretty impressive vocabulary. You have to pay attention. One thing I admit irked the shit out of me was that there are no quotation marks but an awful lot of dialogue; do you see why I said pay attention? He also loves giant sentences with little punctuation so if you are trying to rush, things will blend together. The pacing is a double edged sword. 350 pages doesn’t feel like it.

In the end, this book is a masterpiece of dark fiction but be warned it’s not the easiest read and if the book didn’t hit you hard enough, the ending will. May the gaming gods bring you glory and like the Judge, you keep dancing on and on gleefully.

The Callisto Protocol

You know its either got to be a really epic masterpiece or an atomic dumpster fire to bring me back and yet here I am. I followed the Callisto Protocol for quite a while, praying it would fill the void left in Dead Space’s absence. The gore, the aesthetic, the monsters seemed to be there but what horrors I found at Black Iron Prison were more than even I bargained for.

Jacob Lee is a space courier on his way to complete what should have been his last ride after being promised a huge payday. That is until his ship is boarded by what he first believes are pirates, who turn out to be terrorists related to a biological attack. Jacob dispels the terrorists but his ship crashes on Callisto, one of Jupiter’s moons. His cargo is intact but his shipmate is dead. Help comes quickly from Black Iron prison, taking Jacob against his will. Stranded and in the cruel prison’s grasp, all hell breaks loose when an unknown mutagen runs rampant through the prison, turning the guards and inmates into gruesome monsters. Can Jacob escape the moon with his sanity and his life?

Callisto may be trying super hard to be the spiritual successor to the Dead Space and if not for one glaring problem it might have passed as a dimestore knockoff. It’s not scary whatsoever, desperately relying on jump scares and gore that lose their steam early and become just plain damn annoying. The voice acting work is good but the characters never did much to grab me. The game does look good, which is the best compliment I can give it. The ultimate downfall comes in the bonkers ass gameplay. The game is first and foremost a melee brawler with one of the most bizarre control schemes I’ve used in a long, long time; once you shut your brain off, the combat is honestly pretty mindless. If that wasn’t enough, there are a lot of bullshit deaths that occur; at least the death scenes are ultra-bloody. In the end, The Callisto Protocol is a C rate knockoff of a horror classic that might be ok for a discount playthrough but I wouldn’t go suggest going past $20 at the absolute most (yes, I bought it day one for 60 and yes I did kick myself in the ass thank you very much). May the gaming gods bring you all glory.

Thor: Love and Thunder

So Thor, the loveable God of Thunder, has been through so much over his MCU journey and is now trying to find himself again. He thought hanging out with the Guardians of the Galaxy and losing all the weight would help but he finds himself in a rut until he learns of a new foe on the horizon out to slay every god. Along with Korg and Valkyrie, he finds himself joined by two old friends he never expected to see again, his ex girlfriend Jane Foster wielding a recontructed Mjolnir….

So remember how Thor: Ragnarok was a perfect mix of feels, laughs, and action? You ever wondered what that mix would look like gone horribly wrong? I present you: Love and Thunder. This movie is painfully unfunny. It tries shoving cringy jokes down your throat at breakneck speeds, 9/10 not landing, while also trying to be really dark and serious when it comes to Jane’s terminal cancer and Gorr’s rage. Christian Bale tried his ass off nd honestly, he was my favorite part of the movie although they really bitched Gorr down; I spent a lot of this movie wanting to hug Bale for giving it his all and going down with this dumpster fire. Everyone else is alright except Russel Crowe as Zeus, who was really miscast. The CGI is just ugly and the soundtrack becomes annoying really quick. Speaking of annoying, FUCK those god-forsaken goats. The fights are meh and the ending is just- sure, sure movie. This may be one of the shortest MCU flicks but holy crap it dragged. I tie Thor 4 with Black Widow as worst MCU film so far; those that complained about Thor: The Dark World , well, it just got a thousand times better. Taika Waitti is a talented director; I’m still in love with JoJo Rabbit and Ragnarok was really awesome so I’m hoping this was just a really bad fluke. Regardless, just skip this disaster. May the gaming gods bring you glory, or at the very least kill those annoying ass goats.

Loki, season 1

So where does the God of Mischief go with one of the most powerful artifacts in the known universe? Well, not very far because shortly after the events of Avengers: Endgame, he’s easily captured by the TVA, an organization designed to keep the flow of time and events on track in every timeline. Moebius, the agent in charge of Loki’s case, presents him a deal- help the TVA track down a dangerous variant running amok through the multiverse and maybe not go extinct. Things may not be all that they seem as Loki comes face to face with Sylvie, his female counterpart with a bloodlust for the TVA that could bring darkness across time and reality…

Ok, first things first, I love Hiddleston as Loki. I always have and always will. But I seriously think this six-episode series could have been condensed better into a two-hour movie. I fell asleep twice during my run of the show. It does pick up in the last couple of episodes, especially the finale, but holy shit to get there is an utter slog. I will say I loved Jonathan Majors as He Who Remains and I’m now excited for Kang the Conquer’s debut after the end. The acting is solid, the score is good with good effects but the pacing murders all of the good. In the end, you could honestly find the best part of this series on Youtube and I don’t think you’d be missing much. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Thor: Love and Thunder trailer 2

So here we have a pretty damn good look at Thor 4 and honestly, for me, I’m liking Christian Bale’s Gorr the God Butcher as my favorite part. I forgot how intense he could be and I like how eerie he comes off. Besides him, I can’t help feeling like I’m watching the trailer for yet another MCU movie. Either way, I’m sure it’ll be a decent movie. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Spongebob Squarepants: Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated

Are ya ready kids? Bikini Bottom has been invaded by an army of robots (that totally didn’t come from the Chum Bucket, which is mysteriously locked down.) It’s up to our favorite yellow fry cook and his friends to save the undersea town from the machines that are wreaking havoc.

First, I just got to say I’m currently 31 years old and I still love Spongebob. This game stole my life for a couple weeks. Ultimately, the game is a solid platformer from a bygone era (PS2). Each character offers a different playstyle with different abilities; Sandy was my favorite and Patrick made me want to scream. The game is pretty simple, complete puzzles and get Golden Spatulas to open the next area. While this is the Rehydrated edition, you can tell this is still an old game with some old game problems- the NPCs are stiff, everyone constantly repeats their limited dialogue over and over again, and some of the more ambitious parts are frustrating to get through. Not all the voice actors returned which can be jarring to older fans. In the end, it’s a solid game, better for younger kids but not bad for grown-ups who want a little childhood nostalgia. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness

“Are you happy, Stephen?” is the question haunting the master of the mystic arts after the Snap. People have died because of his actions in allowing Thanos to succeed for the greater good, and lives are in disarray. Christine has moved on, Wong is the new Sorcerer Supreme and he can’t help but feel the guilt leading to Thanos’s defeat. During Christine’s wedding, Strange and Wong rush to face to face a demonic entity chasing after a teenage girl, America Chavez. America, born with an alarming gift allowing her to openly travel between the Multiverse is on the run from a demonic force wanting her powers. Strange turns to the most powerful magic user on the planet for aid, an Avenger, only to find himself face to face against the broken, vengeful Scarlet Witch that will do anything to get her children back, even if that means destroying the Multiverse to do so. Can the former Sorcerer Supreme stop the fallen Avenger?

Holy Crap, this movie is a trip. I loved it but I also love Dr. Strange and Scarlet Witch; this is totally a Marvel nerd movie. There’s a lot going on but I never found it hard to follow. There is a lot of ambiguity and plenty of room to speculate which I appreciated. The movie has a shit ton of disturbing, frightening scenes and a hell of a lot of fan service for fans of Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn without skipping on being a badass superhero flick. Elizabeth Olsen absolutely steals the show as Scarlet Witch, becoming a tragic villain after the fallout from Wandavision . Honestly, the whole cast was damn good and a lot of the cameos, 2 of which I got giddy for, I hope make a return in the MCU. The visuals were insanely epic and beautiful and frightening. With all the good, I am going to say again, that this movie is going to be a cluster if you aren’t up to date on the MCU or have a foreknowledge of the comics; this is NOT a movie to shut your brain off to. In the end, Dr. Strange 2 was a damn good time and a superior sequel I recommend checking out. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

She-Hulk: Attorney at Law reveal trailer

Oh dear…besides Ms. Marvel, I’d heard nightmare stories on the development here. I think comic She-Hulk kicks ass; this iteration made me cringe. She-Hulk herself looks really off and the CGI isn’t really convincing. I’m glad to see Tim Roth back as Abomination but that’s kind of the best I got here. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Green Lantern: Beware My Power trailer

This made my week. I do get particularly giddy over new Lantern stuff. I’m ecstatic this is a Jon Stewart movie and I love we got Hawkman from the upcoming Black Adam movie to voice him in this movie. I’m excited because the designs seem to harken back to old JLA animated series days. I can’t wait until it hits HBO. May the gaming gods bring you glory.