Category: Retro Review

Eight Legged Freaks

eight legged freaks

When all is said and done, what makes a movie good is what we take away from it. I’m a man of a huge variety when it comes to cinema. Sometimes I want a deep psychological piece or a gripping action flick. Then there’s times I want a B movie about giant spiders…

Prosperity Arizona is a dying mining town. The only prosperous mine was shut down and now the town is struggling and they blame Chris for it, who inherited the mine and disappeared. He came back as it just so happens a barrel of toxic waste landed in a pond where it contaminated a bunch of crickets that were fed to a bunch of spiders being kept in a spider farm. They grow to enormous size and chaos ensues as they try to invade the town. Can the town survive the creepy, crawly horde?

Eight Legged Freaks is a fun and simple B movie that knows what it’s trying to be and does it well. The characters are surprisingly likable and the spider effects hold up pretty damn well after 15+ years. The movie has some decent laughs but isn’t outright hilarious. Despite the pg-13 rating, there are some decent kills and a kid or spider-phobe will get creeped out. In the end, it’s a fun time worth watching at least once. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Mass Effect

mass effect

There’s a rare time when almost all of our passions collide into a single artwork. For me it was a great story, interesting characters, cool sci-fi lore, and some fun gameplay. For me, that equals the Mass Effect trilogy.

Mass Effect takes place in the distant future where mankind has joined the rest of the galaxy because of Mass Effect tech, allowing humanity to travel to the far corners of the cosmos. We play as Shepherd, a soldier in the Alliance military climbing through the ranks. On a mission that should have been pretty cut and dry, he discovers betrayal and an unfolding threat to the universe from an ancient Enemy: the Reapers. Being a Specter and given almost endless authority, he’s tasked with hunting down the rogue Specter Saren, and the Reaper’s probe, Sovereign. Along the way Shepherd joins forces with some strange and fascinating characters from other worlds to stop a seemingly unstoppable threat…

This may have been one of the hardest reviews I’ve had to do. There is A LOT to the Mass Effect’s overall story: grudges between species that make you think, political intrigue and corruption, a subtext of humanity having to prove itself amongst several more developed races and how we can only defeat the unstoppable together. Shepherd, depending on which way you swing on the Paragon or Renegade scale, can be either a great good guy or awesome dick- either way there is a lot of replay-ability. Shepherd can be customized a surprising amount of ways, combined with your teammates attributes, I haven’t been able to have such varied gameplay since Borderlands 2 . I fell in love with the characters, heroes and villains alike and found myself in love with the world of Mass Effect; the mission on Vermire tore my heart out at first. The only issue I have is that you do feel a bit OP with the crazy amount of shit you can do and gun-play feels off at times. In the end, I regard Mass Effect as a near flawless classic with probably my favorite video game story of all time, with only the 2nd game tying there and I can’t recommend it enough. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Sega Forever Phantasy Star 4

To the surprise of basically nobody on earth PhantasyStar 2 of Sega Forever has become the Phantasy Star Collection, Containing 2,3 and 4 of the series tho 1 as always is missing. As longtime followers know I am a huge fan of Phantasy Star 4, so while being able to play it on a cell phone is kind of cool it isn’t a huge deal to me as I have it on my PS4. The real question is how does it work?

Well the sound is damn near identical to its original release, possibly a bit better and graphically it looks good and honestly, the controls are mostly fine. A  little bit of trouble with moving around and hitting the wrong direction but that easily can be my fat fingers as opposed to anything else. The real issue is unless you have no other choice there is no reason to play it here, you can get it on all 3 major home consoles. There they have better graphics, sound more options, better controls, and a bigger screen. If you have no options this is a perfectly fine place to play it, but honestly, it’s not the preferred option. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Marvel Ultimate Alliance

ultimate alliance

Before Marvel’s Spider-man (PS4) , Marvel was pretty hit or miss with video games. So when we got a game that pretty much promised an Avengers level of epic, spanning most of the Marvel universe.

Ultimate Alliance is a huge dungeon crawler that begins with a massive attack on S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters by the nefarious Dr Victor Von Doom. In his final desperate moments, Nick Fury has non other than Captain America, Thor, Wolverine, and the friendly neighborhood Spider-man to help push back the assault. As the story moves on we go to venture into Atlantis, Asgard, and Hell facing off against Doom’s army, Mephisto’s hellish army, Loki, and even Galactus  as you’re joined by Iron Man, The Fantastic Four, Ms Marvel, Spider-Woman, Ghost Rider, Dr Strange as well as many others. Can all these heroes triumph over the machinations of Dr Doom?

I have to admit, I’m not a fan of dungeon crawlers but there were times I was addicted as hell to this game. When you’re knee deep in badass robots, demons, or mythical creatures with a four man group of your favorite heroes, it can be really sweet. The roster is impressive for it’s time and I like the bonuses you get from putting certain characters together like the F4 or X men. What puts me off is how unbalanced some of the characters were: shouldn’t Iron Man or Dr Strange be way stronger than Deadpool or Human Torch? Certain characters were way stronger than they should’ve been while the OP characters were toned way down. Game-play gets monotonous but the sights and cameos help dilute the fact. My favorite thing may be the beautiful loading screens dedicated to each character. In the end, if your a Marvel fan or fan of those kinds of games like Diablo, this is worth a shot and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Celebrity Deathmatch: the game

deathmatch game

When we were kids, didn’t all of us get a bit giddy when our favorite movies or shows got a game? Later in life, we see the ploy and can see it as the usual cash grab it is. There are exceptions of course, like Alien: Isolation but those feats of effort and love are rare. And then we get the game for Celebrity Deathmatch

It’s a basic fighter with an incredibly small roster and very limited play ability. A problem with a game like this, based on celebrities is that its going to feel dated and here is a prime example: we got celebs like Anna Nicole Smith, Mr T, Marilyn Manson, Ms Cleo, and the Frankenstein monster to name a few; it’s also a point I have to say I played this in 2004 and even then it felt pretty dated then, let alone how ancient it would feel now. There are some really funny movements, especially Ron Jeremy’s moveset and sicking Ann Nicole’s dog on people to hump there leg’s. The controls are crap; you mash buttons and hope for the best. The weapons are meh except for the chainsaw which is nice for hacking limbs off. There is some gore, but nowhere what you would expect sadly. The campaign is a series of episodes, 3 fights each for 6 episodes total so you can finish the game super quick. In the end, the game ain’t really worth it for fans or gamers and it’s worth skipping. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn

evil dead 2

As much as I love the original Evil Dead I admit, I never really set out to follow Ash’s further adventures. I wasn’t a fan of how the series slipped into comedy at a slope but I had a chance to sit down and judge for myself if I was being too hasty. Was I right?

We begin the story with an alternate retelling of events from the first movie: a much more rugged, manly Ash and his love Linda crash a vacant cabin one picturesque weekend only to stumble on the book of the dead and the book proceeds to take her over. Where the last film leaves over, the demons won’t let Ash leave the cabin and Linda won’t stay dead. His mind is slipping as even his own flesh turns against him, forcing him to chop his own hand off with a chainsaw. To make matters worse, the daughter of the professor who translated the book and set this all into action is going to the cabin to see what became of her parents. can Ash pull it together and live to see dawn?

While nowhere as creepy as the first movie, I do love how off the rails it goes. This movie’s greatest strength is just how creative a lot of the scenes are. My favorite maybe when Ash is trying to chase his severed hand and when he finally shoots it through the wall and he gets sprayed with what seems to be hundreds of gallons of blood, only to have time reset like it never happened.  I did laugh a lot but I give the movie credit, it knows how to show some creepy shit and have it feel like slapstick comedy. Ash is a great horror icon and dare I say- groovy. I love the ending which sets up the batshit insanity that is Army of Darkness. Evil Dead 2 is a damn good horror comedy I recommend to new commers to the series and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Of mice and men

of mice and men

So to start the year 2019, let’s begin with a classic: Of Mice and Men, a story most American kids nowadays are forced to read in middle school or high school English class much like Animal Farm and Lord of the flies (usually if you got a cool teacher or were an honor student).

Of Mice and Men follows two migrant workers and traveling partners and companions making there way to a much needed job during the depression. Life isn’t easy for George, the thoughtful and ill tempered of the two, who just wishes he can live a life less hard, put some roots down- but life with Lenny isn’t so easy. Lenny is a gentile giant with the mind of a child and some pretty harsh strength to match. Lenny’s curious and cumbersome nature makes life harder in a hard time but a dream George keeps telling Lenny keeps them afloat- a dream of a home and stability, and rabbits…but it’s with that sad truth George realizes some dreams are only that as he faces the hardest choice of his life after trouble comes for the last time…

Before I go onto my final verdict, I’m stating this now: this book is not for everyone. 11 year old Torsten though this book was long, drawn out and boring as shit. 25 year old Torsten found it a quick read that nearly brought a tear to his eye. It is slow paced, despite the actual minuscule size of the book but damn it hits you in the feels by the end. It is better a second time around because the foreshadowing becomes rather ominous and foreboding which I really liked and the ultimate tragedy hits harder. Overall I can’t recommend this book to everyone but if you want a great tragedy, definitely give this short but powerful book a go. May the gaming gods let you pet the rabbits…

God of War 2

gow 2

I admit I didn’t play God of War first but started with the second game first. Among the kids in school, God of War was a favorite and I admit I didn’t get the hype at first. 10 minutes into playing the second game I understood..

Kratos, now the god of war, finds his city under attack by the colossus and his powers mysteriously drained. Zeus grants him the Blade of Olympus, the weapon Zeus used to cease the war against the titans; but to access it’s full power, Kratos needs to drain his godly power into the blade. seeing no other choice. Kratos does, slays the colossus but is laid crippled until Zeus appears, revealing the colossus was his doing and it was his plan to  kill Kratos because of his constant defiance of Olympus. Kratos is sent to hell where the titan Gaia makes contact with him, telling him of the Sisters of Fate, who can help him rewrite history itself, along the way Kratos will find the depths of Zeus’s cruelty and the secrets of the god king…

God of war 2 cranks up the epic level in almost every way but I admit there are some flaws. While I enjoy the sequel’s story more as well  better graphics and more epic set pieces, the final twist at the end kind of bummed me out. The new weapons are sweet but not  as cool as the set in the first game and I felt a little bit too overpowered at times. I still have to say, the game is fun as hell and looks amazing and definitely a great sequel I recommend. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Silent Night, Bloody Night

bloody night

Let me start off by saying a special thank you to Savior and his family for taking me in during the holidays, I love all you guys. The holidays are about love, togetherness and good will onto others; they’re probably not meant to watch shitty, free public domain Christmas horror movies that aren’t about Christmas. Sorry Savior.

Disclaimer: this is not a review of Silent Night, Deadly Night. No killer dressed as Santa. No abuse of kid by tyrannical nuns. No “Garbage Day” ( high five to those of you who get the reference). Truth be told, and I quote Savior himself ” I don’t think the damn people that wrote this fucking movie know what it’s about.” The basic gist is there is a house where a guy died ( he was accidentally burned to death but it was no accident) and his grandson decades later goes to sell it, but there’s a killer killing people involved with the sale because I guess it was a mental asylum at some point and this dude’s mom was wrongful killed by the inmates who killed the rich owners and took over as the movers and shakers of this town. Sound like a mess, eh? It is.

Silent Night, Bloody Night is a dumpster fire. The plot and story for this movie are damn confusing to where it’s nonsensical at times. The actors seem unmotivated to where I swore they were drugged on some heavy ass downers. There is some ok atmosphere and music and random gore that made us laugh. This movie made Savior salty as hell and I got some cheap laughs as we asked WTF was going on. As I mentioned earlier, it’s public domain- hell, we watched it on YouTube for free on perfect quality so if you and your friends, family, or pets want to get drunk and watch a movie, this is a good pick. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

God of War

gow 1 Anger is a powerful thing, and very few characters in gaming are as brutal and angry as Kratos. The first game in this epic series follows Kratos on his violent quest for revenge against Ares, the God of War.

Incredibly strong with white ashen skin, Kratos was a fierce spartan warrior on his way back to Athens. After a battle at sea, he receives word from Athena, the only god he mildly trusts that the time has come: Ares has gone too far and must be brought down. The gods of Olympus can’t actively aid Kratos but they offer a sample of there powers and Athena tells Kratos of the fabled Pandora’s Box, which contains a power great enough to slay a god. Ares used Kratos, leading to the ultimate tragedy that drove Kratos so if its the last thing Kratos does, he will stop at nothing to kill Ares…

God of War is a hell of a game that started a brutal legacy. Gameplay is simple but awesome hack n slash. Besides Kratos’s signature blades are reliable with a great reach and combo options but on top of that you get storm powers from Poseidon, summons dead souls from Hades, throw lightning bolts from Zeus as well as other gifts. There is some puzzle solving and platforming which is fun but Hades part of Pandora’s temple is notoriously a pain in the ass as well as the pillars out of hell. Kratos is a cold character but once you understand why he’s on this quest and his reason for hating Ares, you do feel sympathy for Kratos and he has some deep moments of sorrow. The character designs are really cool but I must admit some of the graphics and some mechanics didn’t age well over the years. The gameplay can also be monotonous after a while and is only really challenging after the harder difficulties. In the end, the original God of War is a really cool game that deserves some love but it’s not timeless and it’s a product of its time, still well worth playing. May the gaming gods bring you glory.