Category: Movie Review

Spawn/ Spawn: origins

spawn

So it was officially announced that Jaime Fox will be playing Al Simmons/ Spawn in the reboot, which I’m totally pumped for. Spawn was a groundbreaking character in the 90’s, ultra-violent, bloody, dark almost Grindhouse type anti hero which no one really saw before. In the 90’s, during the height of Spawn’s popularity we got a live action movie, sure to be full of blood, gore, mayhem and dark ass themes right? It’s pg-13. Enough said.

In the movie, Al Simmons is a former marine turned assassin for the government, turned to doing some maybe not nice shit for his boss named Jason Wynn. Al has a loving family, his wife Wanda and daughter  Cyan and best friend Terry always has his back. During a mission, Wynn betrays Simmons with his assassin, burning him alive. Al ends up in hell, given a deal by the devil: become the hell-spawn and lead the armies of hell and in return he can avenge his death. Al agrees, being sent back to Earth months after his death, deformed and registered dead. In pain, Al is haunted by the Clown, a demonic henchmen who taunts the newly knighted Spawn and makes sure he keeps his end up. As it turns out, Wynn plays a part of a plot to bring Armageddon to Earth. As the story plays out, Al understands he is being toyed with and decides to fight back against the devil and Clown and save the family he lost, but can he master his new abilities and defeat the hordes of hell?

So much like the comparison I made with Superman: Earth One and Man of Steel , I can for the Spawn movie and the Spawn origins, volume 1. You get the same basic premise but there are some key differences. The comic is much bloodier and much darker themed- there’s a issue where Spawn brutality kills a pedophile ice cream man. The writing is meh, but there is a better sense of pathos in Spawn and a more threatening presence to Clown/ Violator. While not my favorite, I recommend checking out the comic before the movie. The movie has alright acting from Spawn and Clown but Michael Sheen kinda sucks as Jason Wynn. The movie is royally destroyed by the pg-13 rating and really lame effects on top of a lukewarm script at best BUT the actors gave it there best with what they had. So to summarize, read Spawn origins collection vol 1 if you want a good intro to Spawn, watch the movie if you like B movies. I hope the reboot gives us something legendary to remember. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

spawn origins

Dirty Girl (2010)

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This is one of those movies I have to admit upfront, I enjoyed it. I should not have enjoyed it, but I did.  The story revolves around what is essentially the class slut finding out her mom is getting married to a strict religious man who decides to adopt her, she doesn’t like this so she decides her new friend that happens to be gay is going to go with her to find her dad so she can move in with him. Since the gay sort of friend has an asshole abusive dad he goes with it. They take a stolen credit card and stolen car and head to California from Oklahoma.

Yea the plot is pretty ridiculous. There is some nudity some language  , some violence and a whole lot of down time. The movie is pretty funny tho at times, however this mostly comes from the fact that pretty much every character is a stereotype. The acting while good comes with an at absolute best an average script. Visually and sound quality i what you would expect however. The movie isn’t a dumpster fire or even bad, it is just very cringe worthy in how stereotypical much of it is.

I will give them a quick shout out however for capturing what it is like for many young gay men in the world living in fear of an abusive father with a mother far to afraid and timid to help. They captured some very great and emotional scenes there and that was amazing. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Christopher Robin Trailer

 

Many beamed with excitement and felt the warmth of childhood nostalgia when the first trailer debuted. Winnie the Pooh and his friends are childhood icons and now we get to see them in live action…and they scare the shit out of me. Screw chainsaw wielding maniacs, acid blooded creatures from space, or a Darth Maul demon from a parallel dimension, Pooh scares the hell out of me in live action. Not to say the effects aren’t great, they are, but real Pooh just scares the hell out me with and his beady little eyes want to eat my soul. Still, that being said, it looks like it could be a good hearted adventure for the whole family- I’m just keeping away from Pooh so he doesn’t think my innards are  full of honey. May the gaming gods bring you glory, and yes Savior, I will know you’re the one who planted that Pooh bear in my house.

Halloween: Resurrection

halloween 8

I briefly mentioned this less than popular sequel in my list of 5 fun horror sequels after talking about the “Thorn” trilogy which at least has cult status. I maybe one of the only son of a bitches on this planet that loves this movie for none of the right reasons.

After H20, which had a perfect end to the whole damn saga much like Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers , we find Laurie Strode catatonic in a asylum after accidentally killing the wrong Michael. But years later, he would find her and he finally succeeds after one of the stupidest scenes I’ve seen in a horror movie. So what does the legendary Michael Myers do when he has no more family to kill? Hangs out at his house and kills a bunch of people filming a bullshit reality show there. That is basically the movie in a nutshell…

Ok, Halloween is one of the best horror movies of all time and Michael Myers is an icon of horror. If you go into this movie as a purist, this movie is going to really, really piss you off. Busta Rhymes is my favorite WTF actor I’ve ever seen in a movie, and why the hell Tyra Banks was in this is beyond me but damn was this movie absolutely hilarious from Rhyme’s kung fu noises and one liners, the cast of reality show wannabes, and some crappy stock horror molded into the traditional score. As a Halloween movie and horror movie, it’s god awful but as a comedy its great. May the gaming gods bring you glory, and as Busta Rhymes once said, ” Trick or Treat motherfucka”

Halloween: the curse of Michael Myers

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So we come to the end of the “Thorn” trilogy that began with Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and on a sad note, the final performance of Donald Pleasance. Unfortunately I didn’t see the director’s cut, which varies heavily from the original cut and I heard is a superior cut, much like the case with Alien 3 .

So years after the WTF ending of 5, Jamie was taken by the mysterious man in black, the same guy that busted Michael out of the pokey and held captive in secret. And impregnated with what I’m 99% sure was Michael’s man gravy. She gives birth to a baby boy in a satanic ritual. She takes the baby and flees, being chased down by Uncle/ Baby Daddy Michael who eventually kills her, but not without hiding her baby. Tommy Doyle, one of the kids from the classic Halloween movie, finds the baby; over the fifteen plus years Tommy became obsessed with Michael, wanting to know the Key to Michael’s seeming invincibility. Part of that key rests with his neighbor’s son who hears voices and lives in the Strode house of all places. Michael descends upon the Strodes as we get answers to none other than the “origin” of Michael Myers.

Well, I’ll give it this, it’s a better movie than Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers but that sadly ain’t saying much. Michael looks better and generally is good in this installment. The acting is meh except for Pleasance who does the best he could as always with a really freaking lackluster script. Paul Rudd, Ant-Man of all people, gives a ok performance but you can tell horror may not be his thing. Pretty much the movie is a bland 90’s slasher movie that is pretty forgettable. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

halloween 5

I’m going to say this now, do not judge this movie on it’s poster; it is lying its ass off to you. Michael’s mask looks nothing like this, Jamie doesn’t wear the clown costume in this movie, the movie title card is just “Halloween 5”, and no, no one was really that ready for Michael Myers though by this point the teachers of Haddonfield should be running Michael safety drills in schools because by now you would think they’d expect his crazy ass.

Picking up exactly where 4 ends, Michael found a REALLY convoluted way of escaping the fuzz, just to fall into Odin-sleep with a old drifter guy for a year. Why the hell this nice old guy kept the dead body of a burned guy in a white mask on his floor for a year and didn’t notify the police or bury the bastard-reasons. Jamie is now mute in a asylum, having a psychic episode that wakes Mikey up on Halloween; oh, by the way, Jamie has a psychic connection with Michael and him to her, I guess. Bye dark, cathartic ending of Halloween 4. So Michael is killing people again, hunting Jamie again, leading to a standoff at Myers childhood home with Loomis and Jamie. Oh and there’s a spooky guy in black lurking around.

Why this movie exists, I don’t really know. Michael looks ridiculous with his over-sized  mask that makes him look like a human bobble-head, most of the characters you can’t wait for Michael to kill off, and what the hell is up with the stupid opening credits. Pleasance and Harris give it there all, and bless them for trying but sadly it doesn’t save them this crapfest a bit. You can skip this sequel and you ain’t missing a damn thing. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

halloween 4

So, let’s get this out of the way first: no I haven’t reviewed Halloween 1-3 yet. I decided to start with the “Thorn” trilogy as well as Resurrection (just because it’s such a wonderful comedy). Don’t worry, in October we’ll get the rest, but for now let’s jump into the adventures of that lovable scamp Michael Myers.

Halloween 4 begins a decade after the events of the first two. Michael, covered in burns, has been in a coma and is getting transferred to a new hospital. That is until he discovers he has a young niece in Haddonfield and busts out. Dr Loomis, seriously deformed and traumatized from his last encounter, is on the hunt for Michael again. Michael’s niece, Jamie Lloyd, has nightmares about the murderous uncle she never met and the kids at her school taunt her for it; her best friend is her big foster sister, Rachael. As Michael comes home, piling the bodies on a new rampage, it becomes evident Jamie might be closer to her uncle then she believes because evil never dies after all…

Halloween 4 is not a terrible movie, nor is it the worst in the franchise. There are some unintentionally funny as hell moments scattered throughout and quite frankly, Michael’s mask looks kind of dopey. The Ted Hollister part is one of my favorite funny parts in a horror movie. As for the story, it’s fair for a sequel with above average characters and acting as well as a cathartic ending that I feel would have been a good ending for the series but yanno, money. Like much of the series, Donald Pleasance shines as Loomis with a damn good first appearance by Danielle Harris as Jamie. In the end, it’s a fair horror sequel worth checking out if you loved the classic. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Sleepaway Camp

sleepaway camp

Many people have claimed Friday the 13th was a knock off of Halloween and then some would say Sleepaway Camp is a Friday the 13th knock off but on both counts I disagree. Sleepaway Camp is not a good movie, but holy crap it’s freaking awesome.

After a freak boating accident ( for a lack of a better word), Angela is left traumatized after witnessing her dad and brother’s death. 8 years later she lives with her whacky Aunt Martha and cousin Ricky, and is about to go to camp. Normal hijinks ensue like games, first love, and murder. People are dropping from a (cough) mysterious killer and Ricky is seemingly suspect, because no one would ever suspect poor, catatonic Angela…

I know it seems like I spoiled the ending but I assure you, the twist end of this is one of the best  WTF ending to a movie I’ve ever seen. In fact, if you and your friends are getting together for a movie night, this is a great drunk movie. The characters are over the top with a lot of messed up quotable lines. There are some memorable kills and a laughably over dramatic score. If you want a serious horror movie, this may not be for you but if you want a great WTF experience, this is worth a shot. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

 

Mowgli trailer 1

 

So we finally get a live action adaptation of the classic novel the Jungle- hey, wait a second, didn’t we get one of these a couple years ago? Regardless, we’re getting what seems to be a darker adaptation with different actors. I’m a huge fan of the actors for both film but so far I like the vibe the new one brings, especially with Christian Bale, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Cate Blanchett lending there voices. I like that Mowgli looks a bit more feral with this movie which looks cool. I’m interested in the concept and I do want to see more. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Spider-man 3

spider man 3

Look at this picture. This picture describes this film as well as describing my reactions after watching Spider-man 3. It’s epic to see, at first; many would notice the fact the famed “black suit” is basically just the normal costume painted grey and black, and there is no Venom symbol and something seems off in the back of your mind but you can’t tell why or what. Well, if you loved the first two, get ready to be depressed when potential gets devoured by a horrible black  CGI goo.

Not long after the second movie, Peter’s life is almost perfect: he’s doing great at school, he’s about to marry Mary Jane, and the city loves Spider-man. So what’s wrong? Harry gave in to his demons and with daddy’s toys and leftover crazy juice becomes the “New Goblin” ( aka the Samurai Snowboarder with a slight Halloween vibe) but is quickly defeated, losing his memory of his hate and knowledge of pretty much last two movies. On top of that, Peter discovers that Uncle Ben’s real killer is still on the loose and has been transformed into the Sandman. After his rage starts burning in him, a black space ooze creeps up on his ass and gives him a black suit making him stronger, more aggressive and 50 times more emo, leading him to go down a “dark” path where he may not be able to return from. Oh, and Venom and Gwen Stacey are in this dumpster fire too…

Nerds and Spidey fans all around the world groaned when his bummer dropped. The plot is bloated as hell and none of them are really developed to there full potential. James Franco, despite the stupid outfit, was my favorite part of the main cast, actually feeling like he actually cared to try; Thomas Haden Church tried like hell to give a good performance as Sandman but I felt the script made his character laughably pitiful. The rest of the actors just kinda feel like they are phoning it in; J.K Simmons was by far the absolute best part of this thing. Venom, fan favorite and one of Marvel’s most beloved characters looks like shit and is so damn rushed it hurts. There’s a scene so infamous, and I try most know of it ( the Jazz Club) that killed a small part of me inside. Sandman’s effects are stunning but on the whole, the fights and symbiote CGI are lackluster at best. Friends, instead of ripping this movie a new ass hole, I’m going to give it to you straight: this was the first movie that ever gave me amnesia- no that is not an over-exaggeration. I did not remember it as soon as the end credits rolled; I told myself it wasn’t real, after how awesome the first two were, this couldn’t be the end. But it was. Friends don’t let friends watch Spider-man 3, but I’ll let you see how my hopes were puffed up like a gentle souffle only to be popped by the pin of reality and studio interference. May the gaming gods bring you glory.