Goat Simulator

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Every so often I get a friend that recommends a game that seems so mind numbingly dumb it can’t possibly be fun or even good. Goat Simulator is that game. You play as a rampaging goat (yes the animal) collecting new combinations of goats to play as for super powers while you collect various objects. The real fun in this game comes from all the insane stuff to do. For example I always loved sticking my tongue to people and dragging them around or rushing over and headbutting them to see how far they go.

There are also various missions to do, for example and early one requires you to stick your tongue to a boulder, drag it in front of a car doing donuts in a field and let it crash.

Graphically the game isn’t impressive and the sound is nothing to write home about? The game has a number of glitches as well but honestly the game is just pure goofy fun. Give it a shot if you get the chance, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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Sometimes it’s the simplest ideas are those that hit us the hardest, and none more so than the people we come across in the middle of nowhere. Texas Chainsaw Massacre debuted in 1974 and immediately became known as one of the most shocking, disturbing movies of all time and yet the movie is bloodless, brilliantly forcing our imaginations to carry us to those dark sinister places. The 2003 remake was good in my opinion; as a kid I preferred the remake but as a adult I can appreciate what made Hooper’s classic so terrifying. Both start with the same premise, a group of friends are traveling through the back roads of Texas and find a hitchhiker on the road. In the original, its a creepy ass dude with a red patched face who is obsessed with meat and photographs who suddenly becomes hostile, setting the pictures of the kids on fire when they refuse to pay him, cutting himself and then one of there friends before getting thrown out; in the remake, it’s a pale young woman bleeding between her legs who immediately begins weeping, muttering that her family is dead, they are going to die, and a very bad man before drawing a gun hidden between her legs and killing herself. The original is slow building, almost letting us get bored as nothing happens even when the kids find a creepy old house they came to find. There doom comes from the nice manor with the long grass lawn. Through the screen door we see the crimson walls, animal bone decorations, and heavy silver door we assume leads to a basement. Suddenly the door opens when our victim is near, revealing a tall man in a apron and disturbing leather mask with a mallet as he strikes and we watch the body flail, hear the bone crack with every strike, and the final thunder of the door slamming as we end the intro of Leatherface. ¬†Leatherface picks the kids off one by one as we learns all the people the friends come in contact with are part of one big macabre family of cannibals that sell human barbecue. The dinner scene at the end of the original is one of the most influential horror scenes of all time, where we are treated to sheer madness. In the end, our heroine survives at the cost of her sanity, covered in blood laughing wildly as Leatherface dances with his chainsaw in the sun rise. So what’s the difference between the two iterations? The original is very grainy and filmed without a score, the actors look like real people; there wasn’t a moment during it felt like a Hollywood picture but some kind of found footage or crime show reenactment. That’s the remakes fatal flaw. The remake is entertaining and suspenseful but with the glossy cinematography, professionally composed score, and actors you’ve seen before- you know damn well it’s just a movie. Gunnar Hanson will always be the true Leatherface, may he too rest in peace; he has a beautiful moment of pathos in the original after killing one of the girls where he seems regretful and saddened by what he’s done but slowly we see him begin to smile through the mask in the natural sunlight. Both actors did a great job but Hanson rocked it. I highly recommend both but more so the original, which you maybe able to find on Youtube for free. May the gaming gods bring you glory, and may you never experience the real life horror of “one of the most shocking and sadistic crimes in the annals of American history: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

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Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince (Explained Badly)

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This movie has a bad start for our formerly abused young wizard harry, as old man Dumbledore cock blocks the hell out of him with the hottie in a diner. After a quick teleport our 2 unlikely friends go and coerce an old teacher with an unhealthy obsession with children back to school to teach potions.

Speaking of potions young Potter finds the book that belonged to the half blood prince and cheats his way to some great grades and a potion of luck. Look there is a lot of cheating going on in this one, Hermy cheats to get Ron on the quidditch team Harry cheats with the luck potion to trick a drunk professor into giving him some info Draco cheats to kill a man by letting Snape do it. Just all around cheating going on.

Also another added point the bro code means shit to Harry as he fools around with Rons sister Ginnie in a dark room in the school one day but hey at least the eventually get married so I guess its ok. All that being said this was simply another movie that will survive thru generations of people, until next time, may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Dragon Age Inquisition

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I played Dragon Age Origins after it first released and fell in love with the game almost instantly. The story, the world, the characters it was all amazing. I never got around to playing its sequel which I hear may be a good thing. Finally we come to Dragon Age Inquisition. This game has a lot going for it. The story is fun and engrossing, the battle system is nice the characters are great and the world itself is as amazing as it ever was.

There is a but coming to this. Mixed in with all that greatness was some of the most boring game play I have seen lately. The worlds are huge but mostly empty with areas that randomly rocket the level of the enemies seemingly at random. And if you attempt to do everything the game has to offer you as it becomes available you will quickly be so insanely over powered the already repetitive game play becomes tedious in a way I can’t even begin to accurately describe. Many people love this game, I am simply not one of them. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix (Explained Badly)

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Here we go again, more insane shit. We start out with a soul stealer attempting to take the soul of Harrys cousin and like a true idiot he saves him and drags him home. His reward is a court date to avoid expulsion from school. After skirting around his technically criminal act our dear Potter goes to school only to find the place taken over by what can only be described by a dictator that would probably make Hitler ask wtf was going on.

At this point in true family fashion Harry forms an army similar to the Order Of the Phoenix which brings our number of pseudo factions up to around a bazillion or so. I mean I get it, terrorist leader is back from the dead and every one says Harry is lying about it i’d probably be a little pissed off to.

In typical movie fashion in the end the school is somewhat back to normal, some ginger twins quit school, the craziest bitch to ever exist kills Sirius Black and some how noone has slit Dracos throat yet. As always thanks for your time, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Tobe Hooper, R.I.P

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I’ll keep this short and sweet my friends; yesterday we lost another horror legend: Tobe Hooper, the man who gave us The Funhouse, Poltergeist, and of course The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a sadly underappreciated film that brought a gritty realism to a slasher story about a group of kids and a very unfriendly family; I find myself having to convince many it is in fact just a movie. 26 years old I can’t escape the chills Ii get watching a beautifully simple movie that changed how we look at a genre taken for granted. So on behalf of Savior and I, R.I.P Tobe Hooper, you will be missed.

Digimonstory Cybersleuth

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This game as you would expect revolves around helping a detective deal with various issues and digital hackers in the digital world while you raise and train various digital monsters know as digimon.

The game play itself is essentially a turn based RPG. You gather experience points and as your monsters grow stronger you digivolve them into bigger and stronger creatures.

The story is engaging and the battle system requires quite a bit of strategy which surprised me, the graphics and sound are stunning. My only real issue is the game for me got very repetitive pretty quickly. The more devote digimon fans probably won’t even notice that most of the missions are pretty much the same over and over again. That’s not to say it isn’t a solid and fun game because it is, it simply wasn’t for me. Now get out there and save the digital world, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.