Tucker and Dale vs. Evil Review

tcuker and dale

This movie is directed by Eli Craig and was written by him and Morgan Jurgenson. Now I try not to swear to much because I have no idea who reads this, but what the fuck were these two smoking when they wrote this? And I don’t mean that in a good way or bad way. it was a fun movie. The story goes like this, a group of college kids goes camping and happens to run into Tucker and Dale whom they find a bit creepy seeing as how they are pretty much hillbillys  and these are rich college kids. This is where a series of misunderstandings will result in a group of college kids attempting to rescue their friend that doesn’t need to be rescued resulting in even more coincidental and misunderstood deaths. Without giving to much away at one point a guy running from bees after accidentally hitting their nest with a chain saw will result in another guy running away and killing himself on a tree branch because he thinks he i being chased by a guy with a chainsaw. Now i know all of this sounds weird and convoluted, because it is. It somehow manages to come  are together as a pretty solid movie. I probably would be upset if i paid real money for this movie, but if you have Netflix i would check it out. Thanks for joining me, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

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Don’t Breathe

Don't Breathe A lesson from Torsten V and the makers of this movie: breaking and entering is a very bad idea. Also the general point of Don’t Breathe in general. I don’t have much to say about the movie’s plot except that besides the trailers giving you everything you need to know about the plot. Three petty thieves plan one seemingly easy last score by breaking into the home of a old, blind army vet who’s holding onto a fat settlement from the people who killed his daughter in a drunk driving accident. What was supposed to be a easy task turns into a live or die game of cat and mouse when they quickly discover this old man is extremely dangerous. He’s attuned to his other senses quite well, being a formidable shot with a 9MM and a brutal hand to hand combatant, along with one mean ass seeing-eye rottweiler. Besides a very disturbing revenge plot from the old man against the woman he’s holding captive in his basement, the same woman who killed his daughter, this cat and mouse is the bulk of the movie. It is paced well and the movie is overall good. Stephen Lange is great as the blind old man, a very good villain in his own right and damn right creepy once his true intentions are known. The suspense is good throughout most of the movie but the The ending overstays it welcome by going on an extra 5 minutes longer than it should have. My biggest gripe about it is that theirs alot of fake outs with the other male lead. With most horror movies, it’s acceptable and pretty much expect once, maybe twice. But I swear it happens four or five times with this poor bastard throughout the film, finally killing him with twenty minutes left and feeling kinda lackluster because it got annoying. Lange had his share of fake outs too but he’s the villain so I can cut the man some slack. Overall I liked it and loved the concept but I can’t say I’d own it but worth some netflix watchings in a dark room with a chickenshit friend

Killing Floor 2 Review

killing floor 2

Killing Floor 2 is a game I got for free from the playstation network and admittedly i was not expecting much. It looked like a standard first person shooter that was basically a horde mode. While i admit that’s basically what it is, it is also pretty well done. Far more gory than i was expecting the controls are pretty fluid and the depth of weapon customization far surpassed what I thought we would get. I only played the multiplayer online mode and it was a nice mix of challenging and fun tho the boss did pretty much annihilate my entire team pretty quickly. One guy was caught alone and unprepared and the rest of us had no where near the team work required to beat this thing. There were a few things that got me tho. For example there is an extremely limited time to find the upgrade station that moves each round and upgrade your weapons which seems pretty daunting for new players. Another issue is there doesn’t seem to be a clear cut explanation of what each character is good for even tho a few of them are pretty self explanatory. All in all its a solid game that i would have been more than happy to have spent money on, and for free that makes it all the sweeter. Once again thanks for joining me and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Split

Split I’m not a huge Shyamalan fan; he reigned supreme at a time when gore, boobs, and bad language made a great movie to me…cut me some slack, I was 10. Like most, I’ve watched his descent into crap with The Happening and his awful adaptation of The Last Airbender and thought his time was over. From youtube, I heard a lot positive feedback on the movie he did prior to Split, The Visit, but still didn’t think much about it. When the trailers for Split started to drop, I became intrigued at the concept alone: three young women being held captive by Kevin, a man suffering from Split-Personality Disorder. Kevin’s mind is split into 23 personalities ranging from Hedwig- a playful 9 year old boy, Dennis- the rigid, disciplined captor repressing his sexual urges, Barry- the fashion loving face he shows his Psychiatrist, and Patricia- a stern companion to Dennis and fellow believer in “The Beast” that all 23 parts of Kevin fear, and soon will his captives. First, I command the astounding performance by James Mcavoy who plays Kevin. Each character he plays is unique and realistic; easily he’s a great villain but a sympathetic supporting character all at once. As for his doctor, who treats Kevin with the intent of proving people with  his condition can potentially lead to greater abilities, and Casey, the quiet of his captives with her own dark backstory. I didn’t find her friends memorable but not annoying; each tries to break free of Kevin’s grasp, proving Dennis and Patricia’s cunning and devotion to bringing forth the Beast. I don’t want to get deep into spoilers with this, it’s a movie that needs to seen and heard but I will say it has some thrilling moments, a great main character and a pretty epic post credit scene that links it to another Shyamalan classic.

Sinister

sinister  I’m bored to shit with possession films and even more fed up with found footage movies. What the hell is it with this decade and found footage ghost stories? BUT, though Sinister has the seeds of both of these genres, it fuses both of them into one creepy ass final product. From the opening credits were introduced to the messed up imagery of a family being hung from a tree, kicking away there last breaths while we hear the old Super 8 projector rolling. I immediately dropped the F bomb.  And oh this is just he beginning. Some of these later Super 8 reels are alarming as hell, but refreshingly not too gory. I ODed on pointless gore somewhere between Saw 5 an 6.

The story’s opening premise starts a little predictable. A once famous crime writer named Ettison, played by Ethan Hawke, moves into a house with his family where his latest book just so happened to have taken place- the family who got hung in the opening credits, and trying to uncover what happened to the daughter of the family. His family doesn’t know what happened in there new house but the town and family themselves don’t take very fondly to Ettison’s profession. His oldest son is teased at school for it, people glare at his wife, and the police try persuading him to pack up and leave. While in the attic, Ettison finds a box of old Super 8 reels, labeled like home movies and a small projector to play them on. Believing there is something to help with the case, he picks up the first reel titled “Hanging with the family.” and plays. At first it is a harmless family scene; then the hanging. Hes understandably alarmed. Scared even. He goes to call the police but stalls; wanting to see what else he can find, wanting the fame for solving his house’s dark past. One by one the videos get darker, more disturbing, each another happy family executed in some barbaric and elaborate scene. “Pool party” and “Lawn work” got me the worst. Because of the vintage way they are filmed, it gives these scenes a rough sort of snuff film kind of feel, as opposed to a Hollywood produced feel which makes them much creepier and believable. Ettison neglects his family throughout his obsession with these tapes and the mystery I don’t want to spoil because frankly the best way to enjoy this movie is go into it with a blank slate. Don’t watch the trailors and try to ignore the poster because the poster will spoil some things for you. I can say I expected a A to B ghost story, a Rip off of the Shining/Amityville Horror, or R-rated Insidious. Sinister is not any of these things thankfully. It’s a very subdued psychological/supernatural chiller about obsession, home movies, and the dangers of neglect. I seriously recommend catching it on net-flix or picking it up at your local Wal-mart for $5.

May the gaming gods help you if you find old home movies in your new house.

30 days of night

30 days 2  30 days  It’s summer in Scranton so what better to keep me cool than to bundle up with my trusty box fan, pour myself a cold drink, and thank the gaming gods I’m not being attacked by pissed off vampires of the non-sparkly persuasion with a great graphic novel. By the title and pics you can tell I mean 30 Days of Night.

This series has spawned multiple graphic novels, full on novels, and a movie in 2007 I personally consider well underrated; this all being said, I’m going to talk about the first book that started it all. 30 days of night takes place in Barrow, Alaska, where once a year it is night time for a full thirty days; and a group of vampires, hearing about this naturally phenomenon journey there to enjoy themselves consequence free of the sun. I love the vampires in 30 days; they are cold, ruthless, terrifying beasts that vaguely have any human characteristics any more, just the craving for blood. Book one revolves around the dwindling amount of towns people trying to outlive the monstrous vampires until the sun comes up. Our main characters are Eben and Stella, a husband and wife at ends with each other; Eben is the town’s sheriff. The vampires systematically shut the town off from the rest of the world by killing there power, stealing cell phones and burning them miles away and in one cruel swoop slaughter a majority of the town. They are ridiculously strong, swift, and act like bullet sponges; the only way to kill these bastards is to decapitate them or expose them to either ultraviolet light or the sun. Eben, Stella, and the other survivors go about for weeks playing cat and mouse with the creatures, moving from one abandoned house to another, crawling out of uncertain sanctuary for food and water, dealing with each other and there claustrophobic predicament. One moment that personally haunted me is during a visit to a quik mart for food, Eben hears a quiet sobbing in one of the isles and finds a little girl crying over the bodies of who could’ve been her parents. She turns towards Eben, exposing her large black eyes and bloody shark tooth grin before attacking him. Perhaps as cruel as there viciously brutal attacks, is that the vampires mockingly use the survivors humanity against them. Eben does bring himself to kill the girl but not without regret. For the climax, one the final night the lead vampire decides to burn Barrow to the ground to ensure no survivors and the continuation of there secret existence; Eben is drawn into a final choice: give into fear and let Stella and a few others die or sacrifice himself for them and become the monster to kick there asses out of Barrow once and for all.

The art of 30 days is the highlight of the series. Its hauntingly distorted and blurry, making the monsters seem like you are seeing them in your worst nightmares. The book is short and the writing isn’t very deep but the art carries it. The movie does a fair job of bringing out some depth while staying pretty close to the source material. I recommend this to the people who love vampires, want to get into comics but aren’t into superheroes, or love creepy ass artwork. So in conclusion, stay cool this summer and be glad you aren’t hiding from vampires.