Category: Movie Review

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

halloween 5

I’m going to say this now, do not judge this movie on it’s poster; it is lying its ass off to you. Michael’s mask looks nothing like this, Jamie doesn’t wear the clown costume in this movie, the movie title card is just “Halloween 5”, and no, no one was really that ready for Michael Myers though by this point the teachers of Haddonfield should be running Michael safety drills in schools because by now you would think they’d expect his crazy ass.

Picking up exactly where 4 ends, Michael found a REALLY convoluted way of escaping the fuzz, just to fall into Odin-sleep with a old drifter guy for a year. Why the hell this nice old guy kept the dead body of a burned guy in a white mask on his floor for a year and didn’t notify the police or bury the bastard-reasons. Jamie is now mute in a asylum, having a psychic episode that wakes Mikey up on Halloween; oh, by the way, Jamie has a psychic connection with Michael and him to her, I guess. Bye dark, cathartic ending of Halloween 4. So Michael is killing people again, hunting Jamie again, leading to a standoff at Myers childhood home with Loomis and Jamie. Oh and there’s a spooky guy in black lurking around.

Why this movie exists, I don’t really know. Michael looks ridiculous with his over-sized  mask that makes him look like a human bobble-head, most of the characters you can’t wait for Michael to kill off, and what the hell is up with the stupid opening credits. Pleasance and Harris give it there all, and bless them for trying but sadly it doesn’t save them this crapfest a bit. You can skip this sequel and you ain’t missing a damn thing. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

halloween 4

So, let’s get this out of the way first: no I haven’t reviewed Halloween 1-3 yet. I decided to start with the “Thorn” trilogy as well as Resurrection (just because it’s such a wonderful comedy). Don’t worry, in October we’ll get the rest, but for now let’s jump into the adventures of that lovable scamp Michael Myers.

Halloween 4 begins a decade after the events of the first two. Michael, covered in burns, has been in a coma and is getting transferred to a new hospital. That is until he discovers he has a young niece in Haddonfield and busts out. Dr Loomis, seriously deformed and traumatized from his last encounter, is on the hunt for Michael again. Michael’s niece, Jamie Lloyd, has nightmares about the murderous uncle she never met and the kids at her school taunt her for it; her best friend is her big foster sister, Rachael. As Michael comes home, piling the bodies on a new rampage, it becomes evident Jamie might be closer to her uncle then she believes because evil never dies after all…

Halloween 4 is not a terrible movie, nor is it the worst in the franchise. There are some unintentionally funny as hell moments scattered throughout and quite frankly, Michael’s mask looks kind of dopey. The Ted Hollister part is one of my favorite funny parts in a horror movie. As for the story, it’s fair for a sequel with above average characters and acting as well as a cathartic ending that I feel would have been a good ending for the series but yanno, money. Like much of the series, Donald Pleasance shines as Loomis with a damn good first appearance by Danielle Harris as Jamie. In the end, it’s a fair horror sequel worth checking out if you loved the classic. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Sleepaway Camp

sleepaway camp

Many people have claimed Friday the 13th was a knock off of Halloween and then some would say Sleepaway Camp is a Friday the 13th knock off but on both counts I disagree. Sleepaway Camp is not a good movie, but holy crap it’s freaking awesome.

After a freak boating accident ( for a lack of a better word), Angela is left traumatized after witnessing her dad and brother’s death. 8 years later she lives with her whacky Aunt Martha and cousin Ricky, and is about to go to camp. Normal hijinks ensue like games, first love, and murder. People are dropping from a (cough) mysterious killer and Ricky is seemingly suspect, because no one would ever suspect poor, catatonic Angela…

I know it seems like I spoiled the ending but I assure you, the twist end of this is one of the best  WTF ending to a movie I’ve ever seen. In fact, if you and your friends are getting together for a movie night, this is a great drunk movie. The characters are over the top with a lot of messed up quotable lines. There are some memorable kills and a laughably over dramatic score. If you want a serious horror movie, this may not be for you but if you want a great WTF experience, this is worth a shot. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

 

Mowgli trailer 1

 

So we finally get a live action adaptation of the classic novel the Jungle- hey, wait a second, didn’t we get one of these a couple years ago? Regardless, we’re getting what seems to be a darker adaptation with different actors. I’m a huge fan of the actors for both film but so far I like the vibe the new one brings, especially with Christian Bale, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Cate Blanchett lending there voices. I like that Mowgli looks a bit more feral with this movie which looks cool. I’m interested in the concept and I do want to see more. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

Spider-man 3

spider man 3

Look at this picture. This picture describes this film as well as describing my reactions after watching Spider-man 3. It’s epic to see, at first; many would notice the fact the famed “black suit” is basically just the normal costume painted grey and black, and there is no Venom symbol and something seems off in the back of your mind but you can’t tell why or what. Well, if you loved the first two, get ready to be depressed when potential gets devoured by a horrible black  CGI goo.

Not long after the second movie, Peter’s life is almost perfect: he’s doing great at school, he’s about to marry Mary Jane, and the city loves Spider-man. So what’s wrong? Harry gave in to his demons and with daddy’s toys and leftover crazy juice becomes the “New Goblin” ( aka the Samurai Snowboarder with a slight Halloween vibe) but is quickly defeated, losing his memory of his hate and knowledge of pretty much last two movies. On top of that, Peter discovers that Uncle Ben’s real killer is still on the loose and has been transformed into the Sandman. After his rage starts burning in him, a black space ooze creeps up on his ass and gives him a black suit making him stronger, more aggressive and 50 times more emo, leading him to go down a “dark” path where he may not be able to return from. Oh, and Venom and Gwen Stacey are in this dumpster fire too…

Nerds and Spidey fans all around the world groaned when his bummer dropped. The plot is bloated as hell and none of them are really developed to there full potential. James Franco, despite the stupid outfit, was my favorite part of the main cast, actually feeling like he actually cared to try; Thomas Haden Church tried like hell to give a good performance as Sandman but I felt the script made his character laughably pitiful. The rest of the actors just kinda feel like they are phoning it in; J.K Simmons was by far the absolute best part of this thing. Venom, fan favorite and one of Marvel’s most beloved characters looks like shit and is so damn rushed it hurts. There’s a scene so infamous, and I try most know of it ( the Jazz Club) that killed a small part of me inside. Sandman’s effects are stunning but on the whole, the fights and symbiote CGI are lackluster at best. Friends, instead of ripping this movie a new ass hole, I’m going to give it to you straight: this was the first movie that ever gave me amnesia- no that is not an over-exaggeration. I did not remember it as soon as the end credits rolled; I told myself it wasn’t real, after how awesome the first two were, this couldn’t be the end. But it was. Friends don’t let friends watch Spider-man 3, but I’ll let you see how my hopes were puffed up like a gentle souffle only to be popped by the pin of reality and studio interference. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

 

Spider- man 2

spider man 2

Ok, so like I began my Spider-man review, there are some movies that stay with us and inspire us as well as change the way we see a genre. Where the first movie was a great beginning, the second chapter is without a doubt one of the greatest sequels I’ve ever seen- enough that I’ve seen it in theaters 5 times when it came out.

Two years after the first movie, we again pick up with Peter Parker dealing with life’s struggles as well as dealing with life as Spider- man: his grades at school are slipping and he can’t hardly keep a job, he carries the guilt over the deaths of Uncle Ben and Norman Osborn- leading to a rift in his friendship with Harry. If all this wasn’t enough, Mary Jane is soon to be wed, though she does love Peter. Suddenly Peter’s powers start crapping out and Peter see’s a possibility to continue his life and give up Spider-man. But there is a new foe to bring him back, Doc Ock, a hero and mentor to Peter who suffers a tragic accident while trying to accomplish his dream of creating unlimited energy, losing his wife his beloved wife and having the metal tentacles attached to his spine. Peter’s lives collide but can he find it in himself to become Spider-man once again and save New York from Doc Ock?

Ok, this movie is a damn good example of a sequel. Everyone gives great performance, especially Alfred Molina as Ock and Tobey Maquire  shines as Spider-man. The effects are impressive; Ock’s tentacles are genuinely badass to watch. The emotional tone and epic fights are leveled up and the story is a solid continuation. The only flaw I really have is he does take his mask off a bit too much and Ock’s end feels a bit anti-climatic. In the end, if you liked the first movie, I think you’ll love the second movie…just leave it at that. Let’s pretend there isn’t a 3. And may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Maniac

maniac

There is a few times in my years as a horror fan that I’ve been rendered speechless by a movie. I’d say there is maybe 5 times in my life a movie made me speechless, Maniac is the 5th. Be warned, this is not a pleasant movie.

Frank Zito is a serial killer, slaying random women at night and scalping them to attach to mannequins, which he talks to out lonely psychosis. Through the movie we gather pieces of information about Frank’s troubled upbringing as well as the bitter loneliness and isolation he feels. He eventually meets a lady photographer he genuinely falls in love with, and for once, she seems to feel affection for him but he is haunted by the urge to stop her beauty from aging, so she would always be his…

See, I told you, this is not a pleasant movie but damn if it isn’t a good movie. Whereas 99% of horror movies have a heroine or perhaps a police plot or investigator plot, this movie focuses 100% on the killer and his day to day life. The late Joe Spinell is frankly fucking chilling as Zito who somehow is disturbingly terrifying but sympathetic despite the horrible things he does. The movie does well to not glamorize the murder scenes and feels like a legitimate story about a serial killer instead of a common Jason movie. If you can take the blood and graphic nature, it is a great acted, gritty movie I’d recommend to check out. May the gaming gods bring you glory.

 

Spider-man

spider man og

There are some movies that both help define a genre and inspire people, leaving impressions on us almost two decades later. After Spider-man (N64) I was in love with the wall-crawler and his rogues gallery and what do you know, we got one of the best superhero movies of our time.

We meet Peter Parker, that good hearted geek just living with his loving Aunt May and Uncle Ben next door to lovely Mary Jane Watson, who his best rich best friend Harry Osborn starts dating. Peter’s high intellect and work drive strikes the attention of Harry’s father, Norman, who admires Peter over his own kid. One day, during thhe fateful field trip Peter gets bitten by the genetically modified radioactive spider and his life is changed forever, but not just his; Norman, a scientist about to lose his company, in desperation tests a new formula on himself with malevolent results. Peter develops powers of a spider and suddenly things are looking up, but in a moment of selfishness, Uncle Ben is killed and Peter learns the hard way that with great power comes great responsibility. Using his powers to become Spider-man, Peter goes out to help the people of New York and stop a maniacal menace called the Green Goblin…

Ok, so most people know the story; I’d say Spider-man has arguably the well known origin story next to only Superman and Batman. That being said, it’s a damn good retelling of his origin. Tobey Maguire will always have a soft spot in my heart as Spidey and Willem Dafoe is awesome as Osborn and Goblin. The acting and effects are solid with an unforgettable score. In the end, it’s a classic in the genre and is absolutely worth a watch.

 

The Covenant (2017)

download (3)

This movie is a kind of  anomaly. The movie isn’t bad or good. It isn’t original in any regard nor is it exactly truly a rip off. It is just very run of the mill and cliché. It starts off with a sister and brother moving home to their deceased moms house about a year after a personal tragedy. Stuff starts getting weird eventually leading to the house getting more and more haunted. People think the sister is a bit weird, brother doesn’t believe here.

Later you find out the sister is possessed and has a dark past, some priest gets involved and we end up getting an exorcist type exorcism scene towards the end. Towards the beginning we even get the standard bathroom topless scene and the standard sex scene later.

None of the movie is truly badly done mind you, the acting is fine, the script is fine and there is nothing wrong with the effects or story even. It is just very basic, you have seen all of this before. I won’t say don’t watch the movie, it is actually enjoyable, but don’t expect anything new here. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Tag Trailer

 

I don’t know how I didn’t hear about this considering all the star power this movie looks to have, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing yet. The premise made me do a double take at first, but after a seeing a trailer like The Happytime Murders trailer 1 I can’t really say anything is going to shock me today. The trailer looks genuinely funny and I do like the actors involved so I’d be curious where it goes, but what do you think?