Savior Gaming

So I already covered 5 a long time ago, but those of you that forget, here’s a brief recap: I hated that piece of armadillo shit. So why did you watch Saw 6, Torsten, you may be wondering? Well, why the hell do we climb mountains? Because they’re freaking there that’s why.

So Hoffman is Jigsaw now and the feds are starting to barrel down on his ass, the only accomplice left is Jill, John’s ex wife. Little does he know, Jill is there to discreetly take Hoffman down, because like Amanda, Hoffman is simply murdering people. Our main protagonist is a health insurance executive that must go through yet another Jigsaw gauntlet in order to learn a lesson. At the end, Jill subdues Hoffman, priming him for the kill by locking him in a rickety chair with the famed bear trap on his head; but the chair breaks and Hoffman escapes, scarred and pissed off.

Saw 6 isn’t bad but it’s goofy. The acting and gore is pretty laughably over the top at times; the story of how the series comes together becomes more and more convoluted each entry to where you stop caring by either 5 or 6. It’s got some fair social commentary on the healthcare system but in the end, the movie is just meh. As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Well, I talked about the good, here comes the dung parade, 5 of the crappiest horror remakes that ruined them for everyone, that took great movies and took a massive dump on them. In no particular order, let’s begin with a movie I watched instead of going to prom…

 1. Prom Night- yep, this was my real life prom experience, watching this gaudy dog turd. First sign something wasn’t right- a Pg-13 remake of a R rated movie. We get all the preppy teen drama of a crappy teen movie and no gore of a tension-less slasher pic where the killer is a dude in a baseball cap and sport coat. Shit, I shoulda just went to prom.

 2. House on Haunted Hill- This hurt a little less than the next one but it hurt pretty damn hard. Vincent Price was a legend…having some dude with a pornstar stash pretending to be Vincent Price was infuriating. I remember watching it with my parents as a kid, loving the original, and thinking this movie was stupid.

 3. House of wax- oh this pissed me off. Turning a perverse, eerie classic staring on of the greatest horror icons of all time into a lame ass Friday the 13th knock off with famous cover celebs to play the “Teens”. And the house of wax has little to jack shit to do with the actual movie. Plus, Paris Hilton is a main character…enough said.

 4. A Nightmare on Elm Street- you know that saying “if everyone else jumped off of a cliff, would you jump too?”. Well, they sure as hell did. Lame effects, a miscast Freddy, and a really crappy “was Freddy actually innocent?” side plot that turns out bogus anyway killed this remake. The scariest part is wasn’t a dream, it’s real.

 5. Halloween- It’s rare when a remake misses the point of the original so badly as Rob Zombie did Halloween. There are no likable characters, Michael Myers’s is no longer an enigma but rather a “no shit” scenario why he turned, and Zombie’s usual penchant for vulgarity, brutality, and gross porn dialogue kill a simple classic. Granted, there are a couple things I like about the remake but still doesn’t assuage the pain of this crapper.

As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

So who ever got pissed by a shitty remake of a movie you loved? Probably everyone of us at one time, and oh I’ll be talking about those tomorrow. Today I wanted to give some love to those that went the extra mile and defied the natural law of shitty remakes, in particular order, let’s begin with…

 1. The Thing- I love John Carpenter. I loved the original Thing from another world. Rather than doing a repeat, Carpenter brilliantly kept the base concept but made the creature a microscopic organism that copies the species it comes into contact with, making for some really crazy, bloody moments that are truly unforgettable and I can see I never saw anything quite like it, just pale imitations.

 2. The Fly- Much like the thing remake, The Fly took the base concept and went to the nth degree with it. We watch our main character grotesquely degrade as he turns into a man sized fly. Not for the weak stomached especially, The Fly is a gross, tragic, horror tale that should be watched and admired.

 3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre- This one I can see as debatable and I fully appreciate the original but frankly the remake gave the shivers as a kid. Still isolated, I liked the darker, more intense tone, though I wish it didn’t feel so much like a Hollywood movie. The new family and the re-imagined Leatherface intrigued me. Definitely worth a shot if you want an intense thrill ride.

 4. Carrie (02)- It was a tie between this or IT and I know i’m a raging IT fanboy so I’d take the other road. Probably the least known of everything on this list, the first remake of Carrie follows the book almost perfectly with just the right amount of drama and special effects. Angela Bettis has a warm inner strength as Carrie and is startlingly blank when enraged. The ending is probably my favorite of the three film adaptations.

 5. The Hills have Eyes- Ok, I kinda lied when I said these were in no particular order. The Hills is my favorite; it’s the first movie I ever went to where the audience cheered when the main character got revenge on the mutants at the end. This movie seriously inspired me a lot at just the right age with it’s crazy blend of a horror, revenge, science fiction, epic western. I loved it’s gritty take on mutants and the sense of isolation in the desert, I loved it’s badass fights and amazing score.

Thank you as always and may the gaming gods bring you glory.