Category: Movie Review

I finally got to sit down not long ago and watch it finally. I was cautious Sony was going to crap on it. I was mostly right…

Separate from the books, the movie is a new tale. Walter, a inter-dimensional wizard is kidnapping people from our world with the gift of the “Shine” to power a device to destroy the Dark Tower at the center of the universe and is basically existence itself. He is being ruthlessly hunted by Roland, the last Gunslinger, who is out for revenge for the deaths of his father and friends. Walter’s experiments are effective but not to the magnitude he desires, until his Taheen forces (creepy ass animal people that wear human skin) track down a kid named Jake Chambers that has a huge “Shine”. Jake, having visions of crazy shit like a Gunslinger and a Man in Black and a long Dark Tower, tries to find it before Walter can shatter the last beam…

As a writer, I get how adapting this would be like trying to play Dark Souls with your dong. There is a epic ass load of exposition which makes the movie feel longer than it really is, and kind of slow. I think the actors did the best with what they were give; I believe Matthew Mcconaughey would have been spot on if given a R rated script. Seriously, who’s bright idea was it to make this movie PG-13? As for action, there isn’t much but I can definitely say the finale is pretty badass. A huge peeve I had was you can tell this was the first movie of a cinematic universe, but a lot of the Easter eggs were pretty cool all the same. Overall, my feelings on the movie are kinda meh. Wasn’t great, wasn’t shit. I’d say it’s worth a Red Box trip or stream but I can’t really recommend owning it at full price, maybe Wal-mart crap bin price at max. Long days and pleasant nights.

Remember when action movies weren’t for kids and full of bad language, blood, drugs, and boobs? Well, Robocop helped me remember.

In a near future Detroit full of crime and corruption, new guy on the force Alex Murphy is gunned down by a gang of drug lords led by Clarence Bodiker. Ok, gunned down is an understatement, he gets ripped to shreds by gunfire to the brink of absurdity. Somehow his brain isn’t dead and he is enlisted into a new robotics program that turns him Robocop, a gun totting, one lining badass looking for justice while fighting his programming, and searching for his humanity while taking down the evil corporation that built him..

I love this crazy ass movie. All the over the top gore, one liners, random boobs and drugs in this is just great 80’s action movie greatness. I thought the action scenes were sweet and the effects hold up fairly well; ED-209 has moments where he looks pretty off but for the time I can excuse it. Kurtwood Smith as Bodiker is great, one of those actors that’s just great wherever he is. Definitely watch it, if you love 80’s action movies or you’re sick of modern shit, this will make you feel like a kid again. I’ll buy that for a dollar.

Ok, folks, let’s recap the DCEU thus far: Man of Steel was ok, BVS was the heap that was way too serious, Suicide Squad was the heap trying way too hard to be trendy, and Wonder Woman was the bed that Goldilocks found just right. Caught up now? Justice League is the heap that tries it’s ass off to be fun.

So Superman is dead. World is losing a lot of hope. Batman is still trying to track down the Meta-humans him and Diana discovered while also trying to find out what the hell are these Mother boxes. Diana is off in London while Batman is beating down Parademons in Gotham. Spread throughout the world, the three boxes are guided by the three tribes of man: Atlantean, Amazonian, and the third was used in helping to create Cyborg. Steppenwulf returns after being defeated centuries ago to get the boxes because, well Superman is dead, no one gonna stop him. So it’s up to Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Flash, and Cyborg to all band together, try to resurrect Sups, and kick Steppenwulf’s ass.

Savior and I agreed, Aquaman was our favorite part of the movie, with Superman surprising second. We get a more light hearted, classic Superman from Henry Cavill this time and honestly I really dug it.  Cyborg was definitely the weak link but to Ray Fisher’s credit, it wasn’t his fault. Sometimes his CGI is crap and he didn’t really have too much to do. Steppenwulf is the definition of forgettable bad guy; I’d go as far to say I liked Enchantress better in Suicide Squad and that says something. This movie has a wealth of problems, like how rushed and bloated it feels. Everything feels like it’s in fast-forward mode; I’m curious as hell what that nearly 3 hour director’s cut looks like. I will say, there are great Easter eggs and please if you are a DC fan, watch all the credits. My favorite scene was the final after credit where a character many of us have been crying for in the DCEU finally shows up. No spoilers though. Overall, the movie is alright, fun but not a great movie in any sense of the word but there are sweet moments and HAHA to all those people who laughed at me when I said Aquaman would be the coolest of the group. May the gaming gods bring you glory and come together everyone.