Category: Horror

Evil Bong

evil bong

Yep, this is a real movie. An old film partner told me about this movie back in the old days and I just laughed it off, thinking it was a joke- nope. 6 movies and a fucking versus movie against the Gingerdead Man. So, let’s get this outta the way, please don’t expect a chill-your-bones horror movie out of this. You will laugh.

So a nerd named Alistair moves into a cheap apartment with a group of stoners because he needs a place to study to get his masters and they need a roommate. As you’d expect, it ain’t the most helpful environment for Alistair to study in when everyone’s loud and high most of the time. Well the stoner’s have a great time when paranoid Larnell orders a rare bong. This bong ain’t no ordinary bong; once you toke is takes your soul and transports it to the Bong World, usually filled with murderous strippers. If you die, the Bong Eebee takes your soul. Suddenly, it looks to be up to Alistair to vanquish Eebee and save his friends.

Evil Bong…this movie is so fucking stupid I couldn’t help but love it. It’s absurd stupidity at it’s best. I saw a stripper’s boobs come alive and murder a dude; enough said. The acting is crap, the effects are crap, the music is stereotypical pot-head themes, but I love this movie. Check it out if you want a stupid laugh. Thanks as always and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Cult Of Chucky (2017)

I won’t lie. I had pretty much given up on these movies. The last few have not been good. By the way, is it just me or does this doll seem to look worse every movie? Jennifer Tilly turned 59 this year and thanks to science and I can only assume the best genes man has ever known yet Chucky looked better back in 1988.

Anyway that aside Andy is back, and all grown up and demented as hell. I won’t give to much away but he seems to love his guns enough to make a Republican Texan question his sanity. He also keeps a living Chucky head nailed to a plank in a safe that he occasionally takes out to torture. Fair play to him tho. I would be a little pissed if I were him to.

A bit later our favorite wheelchair bound nut job Nica finally comes to terms that she killed her family, not Chucky. Won’t take long to find out she isn’t nuts and Chucky is killing crazy people.

A couple of high points about this movie by the way. The dialogue between our toy from the 80’s and the poor asylum inmates is pretty hilarious and he seems to have a man crush on a particular doctor. The kills are also rather refreshing. The movie isn’t great, but it did restore my faith in the series. Plus the kiss scene between Nica and Tiff didn’t hurt. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Friday the 13th, Part 3

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Well, Friday the 13th part 3 is your typical Jason film but known for three things: the whacky 3-D, the debut of Jason in a hockey mask, and the “Jason rape theory”.

For a plot, it’s kind of the same as they tend to be- intro telling us everything up to that point, disco credits…ok, that isn’t normal but dude it was the 80’s, it was ok to have a disco remix here and there. So Jason stumbles onto a married couple in the woods; the wife looks like she’s in her twenties but is acting fifty, and her husband kinda looks like skinny live action Mario. After our first fill of 3-D and jump scares we join another group of teens and a couple of hippies as they go to Crystal Lake for summer fun and death. Jason kills these scamps off one by one. Ok, so I mentioned the “Jason rape theory”; the main girl’s backstory with her last encounter with Jason- it’s kinda gross. So at the end Jason seems dead and a pretty girl that may or may not have been raped by Jason lives…

As far as slasher films go, this is pretty good. The victims are just likable enough that you don’t cheer when Jason kills them. Jason has some decent kills but doesn’t look too intimidating yet  but it’s a fair start. The winner of this movie is the shitty 3-D; I can’t describe the joy I get from shitty 3-D spectacles. In the end, it’s a fine movie in the series, just typical. As always thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) explained badly.

Earlier in the week, my daughter, who is way younger than this movie, said for at least the 100th time, “Let’s watch The Nightmare Before Christmas,” and I said Sure. So we did…again. And here is my review of the movie we have all seen a million times…But do any of you remember my Harry Potter reviews? Yup, this is The Nightmare Before Christmas, explained badly.

His Royal Highness Jack invaded the land of Kris Kringle in early November in an attempt to expand his kingdom. Sadly, the easter bunny was also taken hostage. In the ensuing carnage.

After many battles, however, a third entity by the name of Oogie Boogie took the chance in the confusion and captured Kris Kringle. Realising the danger posed to both Halloween and Christmas town as well as the human world, Jack and his forces joined with Kringle to defeat Boogie and save Christmas.

Jack would marry a woman named Sally, and peace would last for generations to come.

I hope you enjoyed. Best wishes, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Teeth (2007)

This movie is essentially about every guys worst nightmare. No, not a girl knocking at his door a year after a one night stand saying you are the father.

There isn’t much to this movie honestly. It is the typical high school drama of a girl struggling to find herself and keeping true to her abstinence. Oh yea, she is hardcore waiting for marriage. (Not that I have an issue with that per say it just isn’t for me)

Flash forward to every mans worst nightmare. The name of the movie, Teeth? Yea her lady bits have got some bite to them. And yes a rapist will literally lose his dick, not that rapist deserve to have one anyway.

Now any long time reader or even read a few reviews person knows I like to leave out major spoilers and most of the plot points. There are a few surprises in the movie and it is well put together. Its worth checking out, just don’t go into it expecting anything more than a fun but flawed experience. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Trick r Treat

trick r treat

It’s the season friends, and we got a request to talk about the second best Halloween based horror film out there, so thanks for the request. A decade ago, I remember seeing trailers for it randomly popping up on random horror movies I’d rent from BlockBuster and not knowing what to think. It looked like a strange, modern day throwback to Creepshow and I was sorta right but totally wrong.

Trick r Treat is a anthology film about the weird shit going on in a neighborhood during Halloween night as Samhein or Sam walks among them. The first story revolves around a murderous middle school principle, the second story is about a group of kids who visit a haunted rock quarry where a bunch of disturbed kids were killed, the third story is a different version of Little Red Riding Hood where a young virgin is being stalked by a madman, and the fourth and last story is about a old grouch who gets a special visit from Sam, the spirit of Halloween himself. All of these stories are connected really well and the characters brilliantly intertwine between stories at time. I really, really, really don’t want to drop spoilers on this one because this movie is awesome and it’s a joy to watch. There’s an interesting blend of horror sub-genres at play and dark comedy. Sam is adorable but also has a menacing presence; he quickly joined my favorites list. I really liked how the movie has a comic book feel to it, kinda like a modern day Tales from the Crypt or Creepshow. I absolutely love Trick r Treat and definitely I recommend it to people who want something different this Halloween. Thank you all and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Mercy (2014)

This movie was a bit odd. Not truly bad or good, just odd. Essentially a family moves to help take care of their elderly grandmother. Seems pretty easy. Mom is obviously worried oldest son hates it youngest kid was closest to grandmother. Which is probably why he was easy to convince to stop giving her the medicine that kept her docile.

The problem is grandma wasn’t so much dying and needing medicine to keep her calm as she was being drugged. Why was she being drugged? Well there is some back story to that.

Grandma in her younger days was a good god fearing Christian. Even helped build a church and was great friends with the local Priest. Unfortunately after numerous miscarriages she got heavily into necromancy. And each time she used it she lost something starting with her husband than pieces of herself.

There is a lot going on in this movie but honestly I must advise you skip this one. While the movie is well put together and the story does make sense its just isn’t interesting really. It is simply the story of a woman that sold her soul and attempts to steal the body of her grandson except instead of using the devil they are using necromancy. Watch it at your own risk, best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Saw 3-D: The Final Chapter

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Ok, elephant out of the room, the title is a bullshit lie because this Halloween we get Saw 8. I know I said I gave up on Saw and for all intents and purposes I did. So why did I go see Saw 7 in theaters with no one in there but me? Because I had to know how full of shit the “Final Chapter” promise was this time.

So Jill is trying to hide and cover her ass from a scarred and pissed off Hoffman. Hoffman goes on a killing spree, killing the feds trying to catch him. Meanwhile, we finally get a answer to the series biggest question- what the hell happened to Dr. Gordon? Well, we learn there’s a support group for the survivors of Jigsaw and Gordon emerges among them.  Bobby Dagen is the spokesman for this group, a motivational speaker who claims to have survived Jigsaw. Well, he’s full of shit. And here we get the final gauntlet of gore and bullshit…in 3D. Ok I’m going to spoil this: Gordon made a cult out of the survivors who leave Hoffman chained up and alone to die like Gordon was supposed to.

This movie is the epitome of a stereotypical Saw movie: it’s gory, pretends to clever and complex but just is convoluted and pointless but somehow enjoyable. A part of it comes from the whacky 3-D moments. Overall, if you sat through the rest, sit through this because for me and the Saw series, Game Over.

 

13 demons (2016)

Ever play Dungeons and Dragons? Ever try it on a bad acid trip? Well I have not done either of those things, but I imagine doing that is how this movie came into creation. And I would like to thank the crazy bastard that did it.

Seriously this movie is weird but in a fun way. Three friends discover a board game that someone (they never really go into detail on who) banned years ago. Why? People playing it got really into it and killed people.

It starts off innocent enough. The three friends place their pieces, read from a book and roll their dice and move their little figures. There is nothing all that weird at this point.

The three seem to fall asleep, have some weird dreams and wake up a little confused at the game board. After a few moments get their bearings and go back to playing. Now as the game goes on they start seeming to hallucinate. A little further in and not only are they hallucinating they are leaving the apartment dressing up with pots and pans and make shift armor and killing people, tho admittedly they believe they are killing demons and wearing actual armor with real mystical weapons.

As the movie goes on you see one of the three die in a fight with a guy at a garage. But that isn’t weird its expected. The odd part is later they start using powers to roll the dice and move the pieces. The book they once read from is now gone entirely and they speak as if they are new people unaware of anything else but their quest.

After they kill 12 “demons” each they have a 13th demon to kill. Each other. Small problem tho, the cops have caught them and they are now locked in separate interrogation rooms. I won’t ruin this closing scene on you but this alone was worth watching for me. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

Picking up where the first Cabin Fever left off with Shawn Hunter..ok the guy who played him playing someone else, getting hit by a school bus. The worlds worst cop returns to brag about the time a moose got hit by a car and ended up in a lady’s front seat and swears up and down the bus hit a moose not a person.

Yea that is basically how this movie is going to go. From here the movie basically turns into the usual high school drama movie except one of the students is also a stripper. Who also in the worlds weirdest revenge plot gives a nerd a blow job in the school bathroom…maybe not quite the usual high school drama stuff.

As prom night gets closer the worlds worst cop starts to figure out that maybe the illness is spreading and tracks down a water truck shipment.

Honestly I am going to skip ahead. As entertaining as the movie is at times most of the details are pretty par for the course. Nothing is all that new until prom, so lets go there.

Here we are. Prom night. After a small fight it turn out some group I can only assume is the CDC shows up with guns, locks the doors and begins to toss in tear gas and begins to kill every living person they can find. As our main characters try to escape more and more people are killed.

The end of this movie is an actual blood bath. There is blood and death everywhere. And of course 1 person once again escapes. I can’t say the movie is good, but it is fun. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.