Category: Opinion

Well, I talked about the good, here comes the dung parade, 5 of the crappiest horror remakes that ruined them for everyone, that took great movies and took a massive dump on them. In no particular order, let’s begin with a movie I watched instead of going to prom…

 1. Prom Night- yep, this was my real life prom experience, watching this gaudy dog turd. First sign something wasn’t right- a Pg-13 remake of a R rated movie. We get all the preppy teen drama of a crappy teen movie and no gore of a tension-less slasher pic where the killer is a dude in a baseball cap and sport coat. Shit, I shoulda just went to prom.

 2. House on Haunted Hill- This hurt a little less than the next one but it hurt pretty damn hard. Vincent Price was a legend…having some dude with a pornstar stash pretending to be Vincent Price was infuriating. I remember watching it with my parents as a kid, loving the original, and thinking this movie was stupid.

 3. House of wax- oh this pissed me off. Turning a perverse, eerie classic staring on of the greatest horror icons of all time into a lame ass Friday the 13th knock off with famous cover celebs to play the “Teens”. And the house of wax has little to jack shit to do with the actual movie. Plus, Paris Hilton is a main character…enough said.

 4. A Nightmare on Elm Street- you know that saying “if everyone else jumped off of a cliff, would you jump too?”. Well, they sure as hell did. Lame effects, a miscast Freddy, and a really crappy “was Freddy actually innocent?” side plot that turns out bogus anyway killed this remake. The scariest part is wasn’t a dream, it’s real.

 5. Halloween- It’s rare when a remake misses the point of the original so badly as Rob Zombie did Halloween. There are no likable characters, Michael Myers’s is no longer an enigma but rather a “no shit” scenario why he turned, and Zombie’s usual penchant for vulgarity, brutality, and gross porn dialogue kill a simple classic. Granted, there are a couple things I like about the remake but still doesn’t assuage the pain of this crapper.

As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

So who ever got pissed by a shitty remake of a movie you loved? Probably everyone of us at one time, and oh I’ll be talking about those tomorrow. Today I wanted to give some love to those that went the extra mile and defied the natural law of shitty remakes, in particular order, let’s begin with…

 1. The Thing- I love John Carpenter. I loved the original Thing from another world. Rather than doing a repeat, Carpenter brilliantly kept the base concept but made the creature a microscopic organism that copies the species it comes into contact with, making for some really crazy, bloody moments that are truly unforgettable and I can see I never saw anything quite like it, just pale imitations.

 2. The Fly- Much like the thing remake, The Fly took the base concept and went to the nth degree with it. We watch our main character grotesquely degrade as he turns into a man sized fly. Not for the weak stomached especially, The Fly is a gross, tragic, horror tale that should be watched and admired.

 3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre- This one I can see as debatable and I fully appreciate the original but frankly the remake gave the shivers as a kid. Still isolated, I liked the darker, more intense tone, though I wish it didn’t feel so much like a Hollywood movie. The new family and the re-imagined Leatherface intrigued me. Definitely worth a shot if you want an intense thrill ride.

 4. Carrie (02)- It was a tie between this or IT and I know i’m a raging IT fanboy so I’d take the other road. Probably the least known of everything on this list, the first remake of Carrie follows the book almost perfectly with just the right amount of drama and special effects. Angela Bettis has a warm inner strength as Carrie and is startlingly blank when enraged. The ending is probably my favorite of the three film adaptations.

 5. The Hills have Eyes- Ok, I kinda lied when I said these were in no particular order. The Hills is my favorite; it’s the first movie I ever went to where the audience cheered when the main character got revenge on the mutants at the end. This movie seriously inspired me a lot at just the right age with it’s crazy blend of a horror, revenge, science fiction, epic western. I loved it’s gritty take on mutants and the sense of isolation in the desert, I loved it’s badass fights and amazing score.

Thank you as always and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Ok, I did my civic duty with Saw 3 and warned everyone to stop there. Yes, I know there are loose ends and questions still remaining but walk away. I’m not going to hate on Saw 4 because I do like it but the ending destroys the series for me. There will be spoilers if you haven’t seen it.

The movie begins with a cheap gross out moment where we see Jigsaw get autopsied on and a cassette tape is found in his stomach, perfectly preserved. So the police have been whittled down to near extinction, leaving Rig, a SWAT commander alone after his close friends Matthews and Kerry have been taken out by Jigsaw, along with Detective Hoffman. Together they are the last ones standing. Rig is haunted by the sick shit he sees everyday, and desperately runs into danger trying to help. Alone after his wife and kid go away, Rig is taken by Jigsaw and put through a macabre gauntlet to teach him to control his sympathy and see the world how Jigsaw sees it. As this goes on, Jill Tuck, John Kramer’s estranged ex wife is interrogated by the feds and through flashbacks we’re able to see the events that led to John losing it and becoming Jigsaw. The story is fine, the traps are still cool, and out of all the main Saw heroes, Rig by far is my favorite. I can relate to him, a good man who who wants to do good and save innocent people, but wrecks himself to do it. The problem comes at the end when we find out Jigsaw had yet another apprentice, Hoffman. At first I liked the ending but watching it older, I figured out this twist was there to keep the story pumping on, life support for a few more sequels. After the crap stake that was Saw 5 (which I already reviewed months ago), the series died for me. Overall, 4 isn’t bad or great but worth watching if you came this far. May the gaming gods bring you glory and I’ll see you for Saw 6.

Well, that was quick. Seriously, sequels for this franchise exploded like rabbits during the 80’s. The first came out in 1980, part 8 would be out before the end of the decade just to give you an idea. Part 2 is Jason’s first appearance in the series as the killer but he ain’t the icon we know today. No jumpsuit, no machete, and no hockey mask. Instead he has jean overalls, flannel shirt, and wore a white sack over his head with eye holes cut out. I like the look but it’s kind of generic. The movie picks up after the first with Alice, the heroine of the first, as she’s killed in her home by Jason. Throughout the movie, we piece together that Jason never really drowned but has been living in the woods and watched Alice decapitate his mother in there final conflict; he built a creepy shrine to his mother in his little hermit shack with her sweater and her severed head. Oh and did I mention there’s more dumbass teens trying to open the cabin again? Damn meddling kids. It’s been a little while so I can’t really remember any of the counselors names. I do like how the movie lures you into almost thinking the dude in the wheelchair could be the hero of the film; he’s not a teen stereotype and is actually a positive role model after hearing his realistic story of self redemption after a motorcycle accident…but this is Friday the 13th, not Sesame Street, so he gets a machete to the face and his sent falling down a hill of stairs. The kills are good and the acting is alright. At the end there’s a creepy face off with Jason and the main girl where she puts on the sweater of Mrs. Voorhees and talks Jason down. Overall, it’s a pretty standard slasher sequel but I’d say it’s worth a go. May the gaming gods bring you glory, and happy belated Jason day.

Ok, I’m telling you to stop at Saw 3. Seriously, don’t keep rolling down this rabbit hole. The ending is fine, not every question has to be answered, let it go. I wish I did.

Saw 3 picks up with Matthews’s team trying to find him. only finding more bodies. But there seems to be something different. These following traps were designed unwinnable, either by flaw or purpose. It doesn’t take long for the cops to figure out it ain’t John Kramer’s work. Matthew’s partner Kerry finds out the hard way when she’s caught, trapped and wins…but dies anyway. Meanwhile, a doctor gets nabbed by Amanda, Jigsaw’s apprentice, and taken to John with a very simple goal: keep John alive long enough for another victim to pass three tests or the bomb collar around her neck will explode. The man being tested is named Jeff, a grieving father whose son got killed by a drunk driver. Every test puts him face to face with someone responsible for the crime and it’s his choice whether to save them or not. Lynn is violently depressed and self medicating on pills while still working at the hospital, which got here in this mess. We begin to see Amanda ain’t quite (cough) stable. We find out she has killed needlessly and rigs her traps to be unwinnable on purpose. At the end she flips and suddenly all these lives are in Amanda’s hands for Jigsaw’s true finale…

Saw 3 would have been a fine end to a damn trilogy. Again the traps were memorable and cool; the angel and crucifix traps stick in my mind a lot. I felt for Jeff and was actually invested in his journey and actually felt for some of the accused too. I liked Amanda as a imperfect apprentice and the relation between her and John has it’s weirdly Star Wars moments. To me, it feels a little longer than it should and the color textures and set design of the series start to get on my nerves a bit, but if it was a TRILOGY I could ignore it. Sadly no. Overall, stop at 3.