Category: Opinion

Well, Friday the 13th part 3 is your typical Jason film but known for three things: the whacky 3-D, the debut of Jason in a hockey mask, and the “Jason rape theory”.

For a plot, it’s kind of the same as they tend to be- intro telling us everything up to that point, disco credits…ok, that isn’t normal but dude it was the 80’s, it was ok to have a disco remix here and there. So Jason stumbles onto a married couple in the woods; the wife looks like she’s in her twenties but is acting fifty, and her husband kinda looks like skinny live action Mario. After our first fill of 3-D and jump scares we join another group of teens and a couple of hippies as they go to Crystal Lake for summer fun and death. Jason kills these scamps off one by one. Ok, so I mentioned the “Jason rape theory”; the main girl’s backstory with her last encounter with Jason- it’s kinda gross. So at the end Jason seems dead and a pretty girl that may or may not have been raped by Jason lives…

As far as slasher films go, this is pretty good. The victims are just likable enough that you don’t cheer when Jason kills them. Jason has some decent kills but doesn’t look too intimidating yet  but it’s a fair start. The winner of this movie is the shitty 3-D; I can’t describe the joy I get from shitty 3-D spectacles. In the end, it’s a fine movie in the series, just typical. As always thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

It’s the season friends, and we got a request to talk about the second best Halloween based horror film out there, so thanks for the request. A decade ago, I remember seeing trailers for it randomly popping up on random horror movies I’d rent from BlockBuster and not knowing what to think. It looked like a strange, modern day throwback to Creepshow and I was sorta right but totally wrong.

Trick r Treat is a anthology film about the weird shit going on in a neighborhood during Halloween night as Samhein or Sam walks among them. The first story revolves around a murderous middle school principle, the second story is about a group of kids who visit a haunted rock quarry where a bunch of disturbed kids were killed, the third story is a different version of Little Red Riding Hood where a young virgin is being stalked by a madman, and the fourth and last story is about a old grouch who gets a special visit from Sam, the spirit of Halloween himself. All of these stories are connected really well and the characters brilliantly intertwine between stories at time. I really, really, really don’t want to drop spoilers on this one because this movie is awesome and it’s a joy to watch. There’s an interesting blend of horror sub-genres at play and dark comedy. Sam is adorable but also has a menacing presence; he quickly joined my favorites list. I really liked how the movie has a comic book feel to it, kinda like a modern day Tales from the Crypt or Creepshow. I absolutely love Trick r Treat and definitely I recommend it to people who want something different this Halloween. Thank you all and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Ok, elephant out of the room, the title is a bullshit lie because this Halloween we get Saw 8. I know I said I gave up on Saw and for all intents and purposes I did. So why did I go see Saw 7 in theaters with no one in there but me? Because I had to know how full of shit the “Final Chapter” promise was this time.

So Jill is trying to hide and cover her ass from a scarred and pissed off Hoffman. Hoffman goes on a killing spree, killing the feds trying to catch him. Meanwhile, we finally get a answer to the series biggest question- what the hell happened to Dr. Gordon? Well, we learn there’s a support group for the survivors of Jigsaw and Gordon emerges among them.  Bobby Dagen is the spokesman for this group, a motivational speaker who claims to have survived Jigsaw. Well, he’s full of shit. And here we get the final gauntlet of gore and bullshit…in 3D. Ok I’m going to spoil this: Gordon made a cult out of the survivors who leave Hoffman chained up and alone to die like Gordon was supposed to.

This movie is the epitome of a stereotypical Saw movie: it’s gory, pretends to clever and complex but just is convoluted and pointless but somehow enjoyable. A part of it comes from the whacky 3-D moments. Overall, if you sat through the rest, sit through this because for me and the Saw series, Game Over.

It comes at night was a strange instance where the trailer was misleading as hell but the poster kinda tells you more than any trailer did. The trailers made me think I was going to get something like a zombie movie or maybe a tripped out torture flick, but if I had to categorize it, I’d say it’s kinda like the Shining on Meth.

The story centers around a interracial family of father Paul, wife Sarah, and 17 year old son Travis living in their house in the woods after some kind of viral outbreak occurred. We never learn what the virus does, where it comes from, how it spreads, or even the magnitude of the outbreak. All we really know it’s highly contagious and you get purplish-gray welts and get really pale. Paul and Travis take Sarah’s father outside after he contracts the disease and execute him, burning his body after. Later that night, there’s an intruder. Paul wounds him, and takes him into the woods to interrogate him. After a tense discussion and questioning, we discover the man’s name is Will and he wanted food and supplies for his starving family, wife Kim and young son Andrew. These families join together and for a while live in harmony, but tensions begin to build as they cling to themselves and there fears beyond the red door…

I’ve seen the reviews, more scatter-fucked than shotgun pellets flying off of a tilt-a-whirl. Some love this movie, some hate it. I loved it but I really wouldn’t debate anyone who said it sucked. Joel Edgerton gave a great performance as Paul, and the chemistry between everyone is fluid and genuine. I love how quiet, and isolated it is; I absolutely love the ambiguity and the tense fear that escalates from isolation and paranoia. Seriously, don’t watch the trailers. Overall, I loved this movie but I only recommend it if you enjoy slow, suspense driven films; stay away if you’re looking for a action packed gorefest. As always thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

So I already covered 5 a long time ago, but those of you that forget, here’s a brief recap: I hated that piece of armadillo shit. So why did you watch Saw 6, Torsten, you may be wondering? Well, why the hell do we climb mountains? Because they’re freaking there that’s why.

So Hoffman is Jigsaw now and the feds are starting to barrel down on his ass, the only accomplice left is Jill, John’s ex wife. Little does he know, Jill is there to discreetly take Hoffman down, because like Amanda, Hoffman is simply murdering people. Our main protagonist is a health insurance executive that must go through yet another Jigsaw gauntlet in order to learn a lesson. At the end, Jill subdues Hoffman, priming him for the kill by locking him in a rickety chair with the famed bear trap on his head; but the chair breaks and Hoffman escapes, scarred and pissed off.

Saw 6 isn’t bad but it’s goofy. The acting and gore is pretty laughably over the top at times; the story of how the series comes together becomes more and more convoluted each entry to where you stop caring by either 5 or 6. It’s got some fair social commentary on the healthcare system but in the end, the movie is just meh. As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Well, I talked about the good, here comes the dung parade, 5 of the crappiest horror remakes that ruined them for everyone, that took great movies and took a massive dump on them. In no particular order, let’s begin with a movie I watched instead of going to prom…

 1. Prom Night- yep, this was my real life prom experience, watching this gaudy dog turd. First sign something wasn’t right- a Pg-13 remake of a R rated movie. We get all the preppy teen drama of a crappy teen movie and no gore of a tension-less slasher pic where the killer is a dude in a baseball cap and sport coat. Shit, I shoulda just went to prom.

 2. House on Haunted Hill- This hurt a little less than the next one but it hurt pretty damn hard. Vincent Price was a legend…having some dude with a pornstar stash pretending to be Vincent Price was infuriating. I remember watching it with my parents as a kid, loving the original, and thinking this movie was stupid.

 3. House of wax- oh this pissed me off. Turning a perverse, eerie classic staring on of the greatest horror icons of all time into a lame ass Friday the 13th knock off with famous cover celebs to play the “Teens”. And the house of wax has little to jack shit to do with the actual movie. Plus, Paris Hilton is a main character…enough said.

 4. A Nightmare on Elm Street- you know that saying “if everyone else jumped off of a cliff, would you jump too?”. Well, they sure as hell did. Lame effects, a miscast Freddy, and a really crappy “was Freddy actually innocent?” side plot that turns out bogus anyway killed this remake. The scariest part is wasn’t a dream, it’s real.

 5. Halloween- It’s rare when a remake misses the point of the original so badly as Rob Zombie did Halloween. There are no likable characters, Michael Myers’s is no longer an enigma but rather a “no shit” scenario why he turned, and Zombie’s usual penchant for vulgarity, brutality, and gross porn dialogue kill a simple classic. Granted, there are a couple things I like about the remake but still doesn’t assuage the pain of this crapper.

As always, thank you and may the gaming gods bring you glory.