Signs (2002)

Ok now I know this is less a Horror movie and more a sci fi movie but I feel like it still counts.

Anyway an ex minister still struggling with the loss of his wife wakes up to find weird crop circles in the field outside his house. The locals and his family assume its a hoax and hey who wouldn’t? Even tho the dog goes a bit nuts and his kid accidentally kills it.

As time goes on and his daughter leaves more and more glasses of water laying around and we are reminded again and again..and again..and again that his brother is an ex minor league baseball player. More weird things happen all around the world until we discover actual aliens from space are attempting to harvest people.

The movie is solid enough and actually pretty fun if you ignore the blatant plot hole created by the ending that was shoehorned in. While attempting to be clever with the water itself is deadly sort of like acid to the aliens he neglected to think of the fact that the Earths air itself has water in it which would pretty much kill them. That aside its not bad. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

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A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

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Have you ever seen a movie that you never thought would get remade because the original was too iconic to touch? When Rob Zombie’s Halloween debuted, that feeling hit me. The slashers I grew up with I somehow thought were untouchable but alas I was wrong. 2007 Michael got his; 2009 Jason got his so in 2010 Freddy got his. Jackie Earle Haley replaced iconic Robert Englund as Freddy Kruger, a very fine actor but ugh…lets begin.

So we begin at a diner in Springwood on a dark and rainy night. Two teens are talking at a table, friends of there waitress Nancy. In fact everyone at the diner knows Nancy, but it seems everyone else has something else in common too. The dude at the table is skittish after not sleeping because of horrible dreams. For some reason he walks into the kitchen and we see the the first appearance of Freddy. We do get an interesting perspective of our main character holding a knife to his throat on the outside, while we get to see Freddy holding him hostage in front of everyone at the diner. So he dies and we set into what is mainly a retelling of the original with some key differences. The biggest change is Freddy was the elementary school’s groundskeeper who allegedly  molested the kids and the parents cornered him and fried him alive because they didn’t want to have there kids deal with the trauma of going to trail; a huge part of the movie is the audience asking whether Freddy was a innocent man killing kids that lied and killed him or if he’s a child molester that’s out for revenge.

Ok, watch the original. This is a damn over CGIed, glossy Hollywood retelling that doesn’t have the charm or the imagination. I enjoy Haley as an actor but I don’t like him as Freddy. His make up isn’t great, looking more like a rash than realistic burns which is what’s it’s going for and he is far too gruff. What kills his movie are a lot of the effect choices, which makes the original that much more special. I don’t buy the teens as real teens, just prettied up celebs. Instead of atmosphere and freaky imagery we get gore and flashy ass jump scares. It’s a forgettable remake of Wes Craven’s classic but just meh. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Monster Squad (1987)

This movie is one of those classics from my childhood. A group of kids that love monsters and monster..movies…well shit this blog suddenly makes way more sense…

Anyway a group of monster obsessed kids end up befriending Frankenstein and attempting to prevent Dracula and his minions that include a wolf man, mummy and a creature from the black lagoon..I think. Was never really sure what the fish dude was…seriously someone let me know.

The movie was a pretty original idea, a group of kids must finish what Van Helsing started. With the help of a scary German guy they open a portal and fan himself will even make an appearance. This is a fun ride i suggest everyone takes. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

The Mummy (2017)

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I’m dedicating this post to a dearly departed mentor and friend of mine, Mr. Don Walsh, who loved the classic monsters and Halloween and knew what the season was really all about. The 2017 Mummy remake is literally everything wrong with modern movies and for my mentor and friend, I’m going to tear this bastard down and tell you why it’s ass cheese.

So it begins with Spooky Shield- I’m calling them Spooky Shield- led by a posh, one glove wearing Dr. Henry Jekyll in a tomb looking for a red gem. Then we get Princess Mummy’s backstory. Ok, I’m saying this right now, I have no problem with the Mummy being a woman nor the actress who portrays her. Her story was fine and I’m sure she would have been really good if Universal didn’t try making her sexy as well as threatening. Anyway, we cut to Tom Cruise and his friend playing some live action Uncharted in Iraq. Tom Cruise tries his ass off to be charismatic and keep this movie afloat; I’m not even a Tom Cruise fan but I applaud the bastard for trying. So on accident he stumbles on the tomb Princess Mummy is buried- because after she was mummified alive, they took her all the way from Egypt to Iraq to keep her away from the crystal. So we find out Cruise had some military connection because the Army shows up and decides “let’s take this old Sarcophagus because reasons” and we meet the love interest who’s a archaeologist and who’s pretty much there for exposition and to get kissed by Cruise at the end. As soon they army takes the Sarcophagus, Cruise gets images where a not rotted Princess Mummy shows him stuff and flirts with him. Suddenly all of this apocalyptic shit goes down like the minute they leave the tomb, sand storms, random birds going batshit, the works. Cruise’s friend gets bitten by a spider on the plane out, gets possessed by it and gets gunned down by Cruise because he started killing people. So the plane crashes, Cruise gets hurled out of the plane and doesn’t have a scratch on him because Mummy curse. Ok. Sure. His dead friend starts doing his best Griffin Dunne impression from American Werewolf in London and keeps revisiting Cruise in his Pg-13 zombie ghost glory. So we see Princess Mummy come alive and…to me it looks likes she kills you by making out with you because pounces and multiple times it looks like she’s frenching your life away. She restores herself back to a sexy grey with black tattoos and a skimpy set of bandages that leave just enough to the imagination because I surely wouldn’t think dream of finding sex appeal in a mummy. So more visions and expositions and finally Tom Cruise and Princess Mummy meet. Not going to lie, they milk the fuck out of her walking in slo-mo against a hazy background. Well, when all is lost, she gets harpooned a bunch of times by Spooky Shield and they’re taken in. Here comes the barrage of Marvel ripoffs- Jekyll has a liar full of monster Easter Eggs like vampire skulls, old fashioned tools, and a jar with a certain webbed, scaly hand in it and we get a assload of exposition from Jekyll, including the revelation that the Mummy will always haunt Cruise’s ass because he was the first person to come across her; there’s another scene that feels like a half-assed Loki scene from the first Avengers. So we find out Jekyll has a dark secret of his own because he constantly carries a silver briefcase and constantly keeps injecting himself because him and Spooky Shield are scared shitless of him being Hyde. Cruise and Hyde fight, which Hyde is a joke. His skin darkens like a shadow casts over him and his eyes change color; I had to laugh because Spooky Shield acts like Hyde is the Hulk, an unstoppable badass, and he ain’t. He gets his ass kicked by a normal guy. So Princess Mummy escapes, Tom Cruise kills himself with the Death God dagger, became a living good mummy that’s Set personified and kills her and sets up a sequel. FUCK!

This movies sucks emu balls. I really can’t tell you how bad this movie pissed me off. You can definitely tell Universal tried way too hard to ripoff Marvel to form its cinematic universe and they blew it worse than other company has. There is no horror, simply special effects and attempts to be something else except what it should’ve been. Tom Cruise tried his ass off to be charismatic and likable but shit there ain’t no saving this turd fest. The effects suck, the story is bloated and boring, and it’s trying too damn hard to be trendy. The old Universal monster movies were great and made to frighten people, intrigue people, and they became legendary for a reason. The 1999 remake wasn’t a horror movie but it kept a horror element and gave the movie it’s own life without harming the reputation of the franchise. Watch that. Piss on the 2017 copy. Best wishes to everyone out there and may  the gaming gods bring you glory, because friends don’t let friends watch Mummy 2017.

Evil Within 2 Review

There is a fun, or maybe odd story about how I played the first Evil Within. It went something like this “hey savior try Evil Within” I said it looked kinda weird he told me to shut up stuffed it in my backpack and sent me home and next thing I know I was hooked.

So when part 2 was revealed we were both pretty excited. And I must say I was not at all disappointed. So without further ado, My Evil Within 2 review.

First lets get the obvious part out of the way. Visually the game looks amazing. No, obviously it is not the best looking game out there and I doubt anyone expected it to be. The game is creepy much of the time tho for what is not there. The insane gore level from the first game has been toned down in much of the early chapters. When it randomly comes back however it comes back hard and it means that much more.

The atmosphere shifts between Union, a town created by Mobius, and what can only be described as the background behind the scenes sort of like the halls for staff at malls and maintenance. This as as sort of a HUB for travel which will make much more sense when you play the game which I promise works well.

The game play reminds me of a small open world horror game, it was very rare I felt confined in my hunt for the core that shall remain nameless in my attempt to avoid spoilers. It is also why I won’t put a name to the sick bastard photographer you are hunting.

There are a number of improvements I enjoyed greatly. For example your office that acts as a central headquarters. Instead of a large area with multiple rooms with a chair for upgrades and another room for lockers and a central area where the nurse stands you have an office with a hallway and couple rooms. The chair,lockers and nurse are in one spot and it really streamlined the whole process.

The gameplay itself has been slowed down a bit. I found myself mostly sneaking through town stabbing creatures in the back of the head. I can’t lie, this was a lot of fun. Now, you can just run around killing stuff but that will also risk getting you killed, but it can be done

All in all, this game to me is a must buy and is absolutely in the running for game of the year as far as I am concerned. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Most Likely To Die (2016)

Honestly this movie is kind of like the B version of Scream at a rich dudes house the night before the high schools 10 year reunion. And I don’t mean that as an insult.

Ashley is the first to arrive hoping to seduce her ex boyfriend the host who also happens to be a bit down in the dumps and being cut by the New York Rangers. Of course she is the first one to die, and of course she dies running in a skimpy outfit down a semi wooded dirt trail. Yea its going to be like that.

Other notable movie cliches include a hot tub scene, a dead body in said hot tub, a high school crush reveal that results in sex, a recovering alcoholic that goes back to drinking, an older guy watching a hot chick get undressed that is creepy as hell you will think is the killer, that guy ending up dead..honestly the list can go on.

That list aside it isn’t done bad. While very cliche the high school revenge plot when done right is always fun and it is done fairly well, and I was fairly sure I knew who the killer was the whole time until it turned out I didn’t. If you like slasher flicks give this one a shot, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.