Alien: Covenant

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I picked this poster above for one reason, the promotional art for Covenant kind of sums up the movie, bland and much of it a retread of something from another Alien film. Of the six, Covenant is probably my least favorite but after rewatching it I found some good, just at the end of the day don’t ask too many questions because god only knows you won’t get answers.

Covenant picks up a decade after the Prometheus disappeared with a colony ship heading to a suitable planet to terraform and colonize it. An android, Walter (also played by Fassbender) waits on the ship while the crew, colonists, and embryos sleep soundly. Until they hit the neutrino storm and after a malfunction, the captain of the Covenant dies in hypersleep by burning to death. The ship is partially damaged, the crew is distraught and saddened by the death of there Captain and they are years away from there destination. The religious second mate is promoted and tensions flare when he tries to put his foot down and urges them to push on rather than allowing them to mourn for a little bit. While repairing the ship in space, Tennessee, the ship’s pilot gets a strange transmission from a nearby planet. He captures it with his helmet and upon inspecting it, it’s a woman signing John Denver…yep…so Daniels, the Captain’s widow and Oram the new Captain butt heads when he decides to cut there trip short and investigate the planet that they detect can sustain human life. Daniels smartly calls this stupid. But nope…here we go. Ok, alot of this is derivative of other films in the series. They go down in normal gear, no space suits or even protective gear, nothing, which off the bat that level of idiocy already kind of hurts the movie because what happens next, I can’t bring myself to feel much sympathy. They find the Engineer ship crashed from the end of Prometheus and Shaw’s dogtag. A guy goes to take a shit in the woods and triggers a reaction from a tiny pod on the ground, releasing a spore form of the black ooze that drifts into his ear. Another dude inhales it on the crashed derelict. They get pale and delirious. Idiot 1 gets brought back to the shuttle, comatose kinda as something rips through his back. From his entrails we see a creature, the baby Neomorph attack Tennessee and Oram’s wives, and in a mishap the shuttle gets blown up. Idiot 2’s throat gets broken open by another neo and in a cool scene the group is attacked by the feral creatures. A hooded figure rescues them and brings them to his home, a Engineer Colosseum full of dead Engineers mummified in the pathogenic goo. The figure is David. Throughout the next half hour we learn Shaw is dead, killed by David as well as the thousands of Engineers and for ten years David has been experimenting with life forms and the goo in an attempt to create the ultimate lifeform- the Alien essentially. The neomorph finds it’s way into David’s sanctum and kills some more people. The crew catches on David is insane but Oram corners him, falling into David’s true experiment, the room of eggs. In a ridiculously fast time the creature we know and love is birthed from Oram while another dude has a facehugger on for three seconds and somehow gets impregnated…ok so the alien makes a pretty epic entrance and the ship scene we get from the trailors is fucking cool and intense, I give it that.

protomorph  In the end the finale feels very close to classic Alien only modernized and we find out David killed Walter and now he’s got a whole colony to experiment on and no one to stop him.

Ok, so Covenant is my least favorite of the series for good reason. Every other film in the series has it’s own unique identity while I feel Covenant is trying too hard to be others. It borrows a shit ton from Alien, Prometheus, and Alien 3. A complaint I hear about Prometheus was they felt the symbolism and messages were pretentious but Covenant kicked it up five or six notches. The characters were meh at best except Danny Mcbride as Tennessee and of Course Michael Fassbender as David and Walter. All the YouTube promotions they did, giving the characters more depth should have just been in the damn movie to begin with, seriously Scott just because Overwatch got away with it doesn’t mean you can too. What hurt most of all was there was a truly terrifying, beautiful movie in this but all the Prometheus criticism got to him and now we essentially got a knock off of two other movies wrapped around 25 minutes of good material. I’m shitting on this more than I want to but it is the biggest disappointment I’ve seen in a while, but if you want a movie that looks beautiful with some good kills and gore or you love Michael Fassbender, you’ll appreciate it. I don’t hate it but I wish we got Paradise Lost instead. alien c1

Sharknado 3

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It seems like each and every Sharknado movie gets more and more ridiculous.  This one starts out with Fin Shepard saving the President ( this movie is full of cameos. From Bill Engvall to Chris Jericho and many others in between. They even recreate that famous flag raising photo from Iwo Jima.

86f0d1fef907d24b99e343e3623967a3.jpg  I have said this in previous reviews and I will say this again, SyFy has without a doubt mastered the B movie genre. The Sharknado movies are not what anyone would consider a “good” or “well made” movie. But they are fun.

Another fun part if the movie for example is when a sharknado hits the Daytona 500. Cars wrecking everywhere huge explosion and a plane crash into a river. Now i’m not why this was important or why it was done. But after the crash Ian Ziering and Cassie Scerbo exist the water and slow motion. Ian is surprising ripped for his age and Cassie is basically in lingerie and by the gaming gods she has a body that won’t quit.

All that being what it is any fan of the old school B movie will absolutely adore these movies. Many people however will probably hate it. As always may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Prometheus

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If you haven’t figured out how dedicated I am to the Alien series, I literally ran almost three miles to my nearest movie theater to catch this and I don’t regret it. I’ve heard the arguments why some thrashed the pseudo prequel to Alien- I say pseudo prequel in the way The Hobbit is a pseudo prequel to Lord of the Rings. Both happen before, both have relevant characters, and both in essence have almost jack shit to do with the main story. Many look at Hobbit separate from the LotR trilogy which I think is appropriate; Prometheus deserves the same respect.

Prometheus is the story of the crew of the ship named so as they journey to a desolate world in search for the Engineers of mankind. On earth,  Elizabeth Shaw and Charlie Holloway  discovers ancient star maps indicating that man was created by otherworldly beings and in these drawings are coordinates to another planet, LV-223. The expedition is funded by the Weyland-Yutani Corporation (the very same as in the Alien series though the movies refer to them primarily as just “The Company”). We get a brief glimpse of the founder of Wey-Yu, Peter Weyland, a decrepit old man and in the same breath introduced to Vickers, the edgy corporate head on the trip and David, the synthetic meant to be Weyland’s finest creation. David cares for the ship while the rest of the humans are in hyper sleep. LV-223 is barren of any life but they find a massive structure fans of Alien will know well as a space ship. Inside they find the severed humanoid head belonging to one of the Engineers, evidence something dark happened on that ship, and several containers of a black tar like substance. David sneaks a canister of it away, while Shaw investigates the head. David drops a single drop of the substance into Holloway’s drink and drinking it, him and Shaw bone. We learn Shaw still believes in god even after discovering our creators, she was close with her father and her mother died when she was young, and she can’t have children. Charlie wakes up with blood running out of his eye. Hours later his body starts irrevocably breaking down, his face swelling and contorting, his skin turn black. Vickers nukes Holloway with a flamethrower to cut the threat of contagion. Shaw is sedated and brought on board. The day before, two idiot crew members got lost on the ship and trapped there during a sandstorm. In the first WTF scene of the film, the hammerpede emerges from the ooze and kills them, the last victim falling into the ooze. After Holloway got torched outside the ship, the pit crew comes upon a terrifying surprise. There lost crew mate returns in a startling new way- in the theatrical version he looks like more a rabid ape man but a deleted scene reveals much more traditional alien features. He attacks with feral speed and inhuman strength; it takes like four guys with flamethrowers to bring his ass down, leaving four or five dead in less than two minutes. Shaw awakes to an even more disturbing fact, hours have passed since Charlie died and shes four months pregnant…and it’s not human. In a harrowing scene, she gives herself a C section on a med tube, revealing the baby trilobite, getting the hell out of there with the creature trapped in the tube. She discovers Peter Weylnd was on the ship all along and Vickers is his daughter, and both Shaw and Weyland want answers from a sleeping Engineer, but the question remains, why did they want to destroy us?

Prometheus is a good, thoughtful Sci-fi epic about man’s greatest question: where do we come from? Michael Fassbender steals the show as David, a complex character I couldn’t peg as truly good or evil but sympathetic. I also have to say Naomi Repace gave a very underrated performance as Shaw. The cinematography is beautiful and the movie has a great sense of wonder and awe in it’s scope; the score is a good blend of original score with small nuances of the Classic Alien’s score. If I have to pick a flaw it’s that it raises a shitload questions you know it won’t answer by the end. If you jump in expecting a A to B prequel, you will be severely disappointed but go in wanting a good classic Sci-Fi epic with some creepy if not disturbing body horror moments, you’ll enjoy it.

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Kerbal Space Program. Hardest game for PS4?

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A lot of times when people discuss the hardest games on PS4 or in general we hear about Dark souls and Bloodborne. Once in awhile I hear about Darkest Dungeon and once even Crash Bandacoot. Now this is . totally opinion based discussion and I don’t think there is a really right or wrong answer.

Enter Kerbal Space Program. This is a game I doubt most PS4 players have heard of let alone played. And it seems like a simple concept. You play in a make believe solar system on the planet Kerbal which is much like earth. There are other planets and moons of course and as you probably guessed by the title the object of the game is to build up the kerbals space program and build rockets and such to explore the solar system shown below.

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This all sounds simple enough. And while I may not be the most intelligent person on Earth I do have a fundamental understanding of physics. And this game has kicked my ass since it came out. I have watched videos, some by an legitimate astrophysicist, read articles watched tutorials over and over again. The problem? Well while I have a fundamental understanding of how it all works what I do not have is the practical knowledge to go with it. I once managed to send a probe to one of Kerbals moons ( named mun) and can orbit Kerbal maybe half the time I am horrible at the game, tho I do enjoy the explosions when I fail. I have logged probably 60-70 hours into the game and have gone nowhere. So while I ran through bloodborne in half that time Kerbal continues to be a fun yet rage inducing experience. Is this the hardest game on PlayStation 4? Well for me yes, tho I imagine for most people it should be in the conversation. As always, may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy

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First i’m going to say, I did prefer the book. With that out of the way this movie is harmless…well mostly harmless. The movie starts off by introducing you to what is pretty much the main character Arthur who just never got the hang of Thursdays. His house is about to be bulldozed and he is laying in front of it to prevent this and the construction of a highway system. Around this time his friend Ford rushes up with a shopping cart full of beer and peanuts for what I can only assume was what he wanted to bring off Earth with him. He then bribes the crew to wait awhile before demolishing Arthur’s house. Coincidentally Ford was there to pick up Arthur and catch a ride off Earth before a fleet of construction ships destroy the Earth to build am intergalactic space highway.

This is much of what goes on in the movie. Seemingly weird and random things to create a humorous and interesting narrative. I would definitely suggest checking out the movie or even the book if you like comedy, and even more if you want to see Snape ( Allen Rickman) play a clinically depressed robot. As always thanks for joining me, and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

Carrie

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The classic that started it all for the legend that is Stephen King. I’m sure we’ve all either seen one of the 3 film adaptations or seen a parody of it somewhere, my first intro to Carrie was a moment in Tiny Toons for shit sake. If you haven’t been introduced to this classic, here’s the gist: a unpopular girl in high school gets bullied for being weird while at home she takes shit from her insanely over religious mother and learns she has the gift of telekinesis (the ability to move things with her mind.) When life looks to be looking up when she begins to understand the power and gets asked to prom by a popular guy, it violently goes to shit when she gets drenched in pig blood as a prank and Carrie goes apeshit. First I’m going to say I love the book. Every film has Carrie has a defenseless, skinny, quiet, girl but in the book we’re able to see her dark, hateful feelings boiling inside and her feelings on god which are interesting; of every adaptation I always enjoyed the book’s bleak ending the best. Carrie dies wounded on the side of the road after killing her mother, most of her classmates and destroying most of the town, just her and Sue Snell- the mean girl who took pity on Carrie. They talk one last time, Carrie driving her lifetime of pain into Sue’s memory like a nail, dying before sending out one last wave to scramble the minds of the town so they can’t remember much except that Carrie fucked them up. The 2002 film has an intersting ending where Carrie lived and her and Sue ran off, forever on the run. Of the films, 2002 was my favorite and most accurate to the book. For the original, Piper Laurie stole the show as Carrie’s mad mother, one of the scariest performances I’ve ever seen but Sissy Spacek is probably my least favorite Carrie. As for the 2013 remake, Chloe Grace Moretz gave a great performance as Carrie but besides that the movie was a modern day retread with DragonBall Z effects. Either way you go with it, it’s still a great story but I do recommend hitting the book first, it’s a quick but powerful read from a powerful writer.

The Amityville Horror (2005)

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Hey who wants to go back in time and watch Ryan Reynolds play a complete psycho and possibly murder his family? Did you say yes to that question? Than skip this review and just go watch the movie. Still on the fence? Keep reading.

There have been many iterations of the Amityville Horror with varying degrees of accuracy to the actual events. If you want to research the real story feel free, but its pretty boring and has very little in common with the movies. With that being said lets move on.

The special effects are pretty well done as is everything else you would want in a movie. By now we all know the story pretty well, family moves into house, shit starts getting weird, little girl gets an imaginary friend, things slowly get worse, wife realizes something lives in the house. Dad tries to murder everyone. However the real star of this movie and what truly makes this movie from typical demonic presence in a house movie into the realm of classic is Ryan Reynolds. From the onset he plays his usual self. a Fun loving guy that cracks jokes, and slowly descends into madness. And he does it amazingly well. Little things like simply being a bit snippy with the wife, and moves on towards insomnia. But at each stage he never truly lets go of the last, His performance was far beyond what I expected. As always, may the gaming gods bring you glory.