Category: Opinion

Have you ever seen a movie that you never thought would get remade because the original was too iconic to touch? When Rob Zombie’s Halloween debuted, that feeling hit me. The slashers I grew up with I somehow thought were untouchable but alas I was wrong. 2007 Michael got his; 2009 Jason got his so in 2010 Freddy got his. Jackie Earle Haley replaced iconic Robert Englund as Freddy Kruger, a very fine actor but ugh…lets begin.

So we begin at a diner in Springwood on a dark and rainy night. Two teens are talking at a table, friends of there waitress Nancy. In fact everyone at the diner knows Nancy, but it seems everyone else has something else in common too. The dude at the table is skittish after not sleeping because of horrible dreams. For some reason he walks into the kitchen and we see the the first appearance of Freddy. We do get an interesting perspective of our main character holding a knife to his throat on the outside, while we get to see Freddy holding him hostage in front of everyone at the diner. So he dies and we set into what is mainly a retelling of the original with some key differences. The biggest change is Freddy was the elementary school’s groundskeeper who allegedly  molested the kids and the parents cornered him and fried him alive because they didn’t want to have there kids deal with the trauma of going to trail; a huge part of the movie is the audience asking whether Freddy was a innocent man killing kids that lied and killed him or if he’s a child molester that’s out for revenge.

Ok, watch the original. This is a damn over CGIed, glossy Hollywood retelling that doesn’t have the charm or the imagination. I enjoy Haley as an actor but I don’t like him as Freddy. His make up isn’t great, looking more like a rash than realistic burns which is what’s it’s going for and he is far too gruff. What kills his movie are a lot of the effect choices, which makes the original that much more special. I don’t buy the teens as real teens, just prettied up celebs. Instead of atmosphere and freaky imagery we get gore and flashy ass jump scares. It’s a forgettable remake of Wes Craven’s classic but just meh. Best wishes and may the gaming gods bring you glory.

I’m dedicating this post to a dearly departed mentor and friend of mine, Mr. Don Walsh, who loved the classic monsters and Halloween and knew what the season was really all about. The 2017 Mummy remake is literally everything wrong with modern movies and for my mentor and friend, I’m going to tear this bastard down and tell you why it’s ass cheese.

So it begins with Spooky Shield- I’m calling them Spooky Shield- led by a posh, one glove wearing Dr. Henry Jekyll in a tomb looking for a red gem. Then we get Princess Mummy’s backstory. Ok, I’m saying this right now, I have no problem with the Mummy being a woman nor the actress who portrays her. Her story was fine and I’m sure she would have been really good if Universal didn’t try making her sexy as well as threatening. Anyway, we cut to Tom Cruise and his friend playing some live action Uncharted in Iraq. Tom Cruise tries his ass off to be charismatic and keep this movie afloat; I’m not even a Tom Cruise fan but I applaud the bastard for trying. So on accident he stumbles on the tomb Princess Mummy is buried- because after she was mummified alive, they took her all the way from Egypt to Iraq to keep her away from the crystal. So we find out Cruise had some military connection because the Army shows up and decides “let’s take this old Sarcophagus because reasons” and we meet the love interest who’s a archaeologist and who’s pretty much there for exposition and to get kissed by Cruise at the end. As soon they army takes the Sarcophagus, Cruise gets images where a not rotted Princess Mummy shows him stuff and flirts with him. Suddenly all of this apocalyptic shit goes down like the minute they leave the tomb, sand storms, random birds going batshit, the works. Cruise’s friend gets bitten by a spider on the plane out, gets possessed by it and gets gunned down by Cruise because he started killing people. So the plane crashes, Cruise gets hurled out of the plane and doesn’t have a scratch on him because Mummy curse. Ok. Sure. His dead friend starts doing his best Griffin Dunne impression from American Werewolf in London and keeps revisiting Cruise in his Pg-13 zombie ghost glory. So we see Princess Mummy come alive and…to me it looks likes she kills you by making out with you because pounces and multiple times it looks like she’s frenching your life away. She restores herself back to a sexy grey with black tattoos and a skimpy set of bandages that leave just enough to the imagination because I surely wouldn’t think dream of finding sex appeal in a mummy. So more visions and expositions and finally Tom Cruise and Princess Mummy meet. Not going to lie, they milk the fuck out of her walking in slo-mo against a hazy background. Well, when all is lost, she gets harpooned a bunch of times by Spooky Shield and they’re taken in. Here comes the barrage of Marvel ripoffs- Jekyll has a liar full of monster Easter Eggs like vampire skulls, old fashioned tools, and a jar with a certain webbed, scaly hand in it and we get a assload of exposition from Jekyll, including the revelation that the Mummy will always haunt Cruise’s ass because he was the first person to come across her; there’s another scene that feels like a half-assed Loki scene from the first Avengers. So we find out Jekyll has a dark secret of his own because he constantly carries a silver briefcase and constantly keeps injecting himself because him and Spooky Shield are scared shitless of him being Hyde. Cruise and Hyde fight, which Hyde is a joke. His skin darkens like a shadow casts over him and his eyes change color; I had to laugh because Spooky Shield acts like Hyde is the Hulk, an unstoppable badass, and he ain’t. He gets his ass kicked by a normal guy. So Princess Mummy escapes, Tom Cruise kills himself with the Death God dagger, became a living good mummy that’s Set personified and kills her and sets up a sequel. FUCK!

This movies sucks emu balls. I really can’t tell you how bad this movie pissed me off. You can definitely tell Universal tried way too hard to ripoff Marvel to form its cinematic universe and they blew it worse than other company has. There is no horror, simply special effects and attempts to be something else except what it should’ve been. Tom Cruise tried his ass off to be charismatic and likable but shit there ain’t no saving this turd fest. The effects suck, the story is bloated and boring, and it’s trying too damn hard to be trendy. The old Universal monster movies were great and made to frighten people, intrigue people, and they became legendary for a reason. The 1999 remake wasn’t a horror movie but it kept a horror element and gave the movie it’s own life without harming the reputation of the franchise. Watch that. Piss on the 2017 copy. Best wishes to everyone out there and may  the gaming gods bring you glory, because friends don’t let friends watch Mummy 2017.